


hiding in your hands

by krakenian



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anger Management, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, F/M, First Dates, First Kiss, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Relapses, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Treebros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2020-10-09 20:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 57,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20516210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krakenian/pseuds/krakenian
Summary: “Why would I do that?”“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right? And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy!”“No, wait. I don’t even— what?”“Fuck you.”“But I really, I need that back. Please. Can you just, can you please give it back?” Silence. “I— I have a crush on Zoe.”Those black boots stop hitting the floor. Connor doesn’t look around though. Evan continues in a rush.“The, the letter is for my therapist. He wants me to write letters about my feelings to boost my confidence. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to write about Zoe. She just, I like her, and... ” Evan gets greeted with Connor’s expressionless face as he finally turns.





	1. sweaty hands

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys!!!
> 
> i watched dear evan hansen off-broadway once and finally got my mum to bring me to see it this summer yeet
> 
> summary: my life is complete and i can die happily now
> 
> anyways this is the first fanfic i have ever seriously written, or at least started to write, so please cut me some slack english isn't my first language thanks
> 
> basically i just hate connor dying so here you go hope yall enjoy:)
> 
> main characters based off (jic it comes in handy):  
evan: ben platt/andrew feldman  
connor: mike faist  
zoe: laura dreyfuss/mallory betchel  
jared: will roland
> 
> ps first paragraph gonna mostly be from the show so it be boring but it will get better (hopefully) i promise
> 
> pps i'll try my best to post new chapters asap but school just started and igcses suck so ye we'll see

First day of senior year. Evan trudges through the hallway, keeping his eyes on his feet and willing himself to turn invisible. It doesn’t work. Alana marches right into his face with a huge bright smile. 

“Hey. How was your summer?”

Evan jumps with a start and turns around, assuming that Alana is talking to someone behind him. Apparently not. 

“My…”

Before he can say anything else, Alana interrupts him. 

“Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service.” She says, smile plastered on her face. “I know, wow.”

“That’s —”

“Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or well, acquaintances, more like.”

“Do you wanna maybe, uh, sorry, I don’t know if you have to, uh, but do you want to sign my cast?” Evan blurts out, holding out a black Sharpie before Alana can say anything else.

“Oh my god, what happened to your arm?”

“Oh, I broke it. I was climbing a tree —”

“Really, my grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub back in July.” Alana states, nodding her head understandingly. “That was the beginning of the end, the doctor said, because then she died. Happy first day!” She exclaims before skipping off to homeroom.

Evan sighs before shoving his Sharpie back into his pocket. It was barely ten seconds before he heard an obnoxiously loud yet familiar voice. Of course it was Jared Kleinman.

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much? Or do you consider that an honour?”

“It’s not, I wasn’t, I wasn’t doing that.” 

“Paint me the picture. You’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s instagram up on your weird off-brand cell phone —“

“Shh! That’s not what happened, obviously. I was just, well, I was climbing a tree, and then I fell.” Evan anxiously looks behind him and cuts Jared off before someone else overhears.

Jared blinks. “You fell out of a tree?” He starts chuckling. “What are you, like, an acorn?”

“No I was, I don’t know if you know this, but I worked as an apprentice park ranger, um, at Ellison State Park. I’m sort of a tree expert now, I mean, uh, not to brag, but...” Evan starts rambling as Jared stares at him. “Well anyway, I tried, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree —“

“And then you fell.” Jared intercepts with mirth twinkling behind his eyes.

“Well except, well it’s a funny story, though, because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just lay there, um, uh, on the ground, waiting for someone to get me. I was just, any second now, here they come.” Evan turns and is faced with a blank look on Jared’s face. He hurriedly tries to make himself understood.

“Uh, I was saying to myself, any second now, here they come.” 

“Did they?”

“No, no that’s the, uh, that’s what’s funny...” Evan looks down at his feet.

“Jesus Christ!” Jared chuckles, looking like he was embarrassed for Evan.

“How was, what did you do for the —“ Evan takes a deep breath to calm himself down. “Did you have a good summer?”

“Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag, and I got to second base under the bra with this girl from Israel that's gonna be in the army, so yeah, hopefully that answers your question.” Jared turns to leave.

“Uh, do you wanna sign my cast?”

Jared slowly turns back around. “Why are you asking me?”

“Well, just, I thought, because we’re friends…”

“We’re family friends. That’s like a whole different thing and you know it.” Jared punches Evan’s arm gently to lighten the mood. “Hey. Tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance.”

“I will.” Evan promises. At least Jared has taken the time to talk to him. 

Jared opens his mouth to say something but closes it again as his eyes catches on something much more interesting. 

“Hey Connor. I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Jared sounds like he is going to burst into laughter at any second.

Evan turns around and sure enough, Connor is there. Six foot tall, Connor Murphy is in a black hoodie and black pants. He is wearing black boots and is carrying a worn brown messenger bag. He has long, unkempt hair and his black nail polish on his nails. Evan looks back at Jared when he hears his nervous chuckle. 

“I was kidding. It was a joke?”

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing. Can't you tell?” Connor says flatly. Jared doesn’t say a word. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor menacingly steps forward.

Jared laughs nervously. “You’re such a freak.” Before Connor can say anything, he quickly leaves for class. 

It is just Connor and Evan now. Evan laughs softly, feeling the awkward tension as none of them does anything to acknowledge each other.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?”

Evan flinches. “Wh— What?”

“Stop fucking laughing at me.”

“I’m not.”

“You think I'm a freak?” Connor is walking towards him now, anger in his eyes.

“No. I don’t —”

“I’m not the freak.” 

“But I wasn’t —” Evan tries to make himself smaller as Connor gets in front of him.

“You’re the fucking freak!”

Hands slam into Evan’s chests and his legs give way beneath him. He squeezed his eyes shut. When he opens them he catches sight of Connor storming off in a rush. But he sees something else. Not just anger. Was it frustration? Hurt? Or maybe guilt?

Before he has time to do anything else, Zoe’s in front of him.

“Hey. I'm sorry about my brother. I saw him push you... He's a psychopath. Evan, right?”

Evan can barely talk. Zoe Murphy is talking to him. Or is she? “Evan?”

“That’s, that’s your name?”

“Oh. Yes. Evan. It's Evan. Sorry...” He can feel himself losing control of his breathing. He shuts his eyes and wills himself to take deep breaths.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Well, just because you said, Evan, and then I said it, you know I repeated it, which is, that is so annoying when people do that.” He starts to ramble. 

“I’m Zoe.” She holds out her hand.

Evan starts to hold out his hand, but remembering how sweaty they were last time he tried to talk to her, he immediately shoves it back into his pocket. “Yes. No, I know.”

Zoe slowly lowers her hand. “You know?”

“No, no, no, just, I mean, I’ve seen you play guitar in jazz band. I love jazz band. I love jazz. Well, not all jazz. But definitely like jazz band jazz. That's so weird, I'm sorry.”

“You apologise a lot.” Zoe laughs. Evan can practically feel his face heating up. Oh god, how is she so perfect?

Before he can help it, he blurts out, “I’m sorry.”

Zoe smiles. “Okay, well, I’ll talk to you —”

“Do you wanna sign my cast?” Evan mumbles and thrusts his hand towards Zoe as she turns away, but regrets his decision and lowers it immediately when she faces him again.

“What?”

“What… what’d you say?”

“I didn’t say anything, you said something.”

“Me? I... No way... José.” Evan cringes at how lame he sounds.

“Um, okay… José.” Zoe leaves and Evan forces himself not to call her back, and at the same time mentally yells at himself for being such a dick. He wasted two perfectly good chances to talk to Zoe, just because he’s stupid, annoying, useless… 

Evan jolts out of his self-condemnation as his phone rings. 

“Shit, honey. I know I was supposed to pick you up for your appointment today. I'm stuck at work. Erica called in with the flu and I'm the only other nurse’s aide on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shift…”

“It's fine.” Evan sighs. Why is he not surprised?

“It's just, they announced more budget cuts this morning, so anything I can do to show that I am, you know, a team player.”

“It's fine. I'll take the bus.”

“Perfect. That's perfect. Oh, and I'm straight from here to class, so I won't be home until late, so please eat something. We have those Trader Joe's dumplings in the freezer.”

“Maybe.”

“Did you write one of those letters yet? Dr. Sherman's expecting you to have one. “Dear Evan Hansen this is going to be a good day and here's why”?”

“Yeah, no, I already finished it. I'm in the computer lab right now printing it out.” Evan lies.

“I hope it was a good day, sweetheart.”

“It was... Yeah, it was really great.” More lying.

“Great. That's great.” Evan can almost feel his mum struggling to find a perfect response. “I hope it's the beginning of a great year. I think we both could use one of those, huh? Shit. I have to run. Bye, love you.”

He has a free period, so he heads to the computer lab to do the letter Dr Sherman wants him to write.

Evan drops his bag onto the floor, opens his laptop and starts to type. 

Dear Evan Hansen: 

It turns out, this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because... Why would it be? Oh, I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don't even know and who doesn't know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe... maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of... Something. I wish that anything I said... mattered, to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow? 

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, Me.

He sighs. This isn’t what Dr Sherman wants. He knows. What did his mum say last time? Something about ‘building confidence’? He scoffs. These letters have hardly been helping and his mum clearly knows. In his annoyance, he prints out the letter. Just to see Dr Sherman’s reaction when he reads it.

Evan hears footsteps, but he doesn’t turn around, hoping whoever it is will get on with their own work and pretend that Evan is invisible.

“So…”

Evan flinches. He recognizes that voice anywhere.

Wh— What happened to your arm?”

“Oh. I, um, I fell out of a tree actually…” Evan clenches his fists tightly to stop them from shaking.

Connor laughs. Nervously? He can’t tell.

“You fell out of a tree? That is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard.”

Evan tries to hide his hurt and forces a chuckle as well. “I know.”

“No one’s, uh…” Connor takes a step forward, but seems to regret it and moves back, resigning to just pointing at Evan’s cast. “No one’s signed your cast.”

“No, yeah, I know.”

Connor remains silent for a few seconds, then looks up and mumbles, “I’ll sign it.”

“Oh…” Evan wasn’t expecting that. “You don’t, you don’t have to.”

But Connor wasn’t going to back down now. “Do you, um, have a Sharpie?”

Evan hesitates, then slowly takes his Sharpie out of his pocket and hands it over. Connor wastes no time taking the cap off, and lifts Evan’s arm up.

“Ow.” Evan winces as a sharp pain travels through his arm.

Connor looks up blankly for a second and proceeds to sign his name on Evan’s cast. Or no, scrawl. In huge letters.

Evan stares at the letters covering his cast and tries to make them disappear. “Oh...great...Thanks.”

“Yeah, well, now we can both pretend that we have friends.” Evan realises that Connor’s hands were shaking too, and he was breathing unevenly. Did he have anxiety too? It is then that Evan realises Connor is still waiting for his response.

“G— good point.” He slowly starts to leave.

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer.” Connor adds hurriedly, holding out Evan’s printed letter before Evan could get out of earshot. “‘Dear Evan Hansen’”, that’s your name, right?”

“Oh, that's just a stupid, it's a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment…” Evan reaches out for the letter, praying that Connor won’t read it.

Too late. “‘Because there’s Zoe.’ Is this about my sister?” Connor holds the letter out of Evan’s reach.

“No. Not at all.”

“You wrote this because you knew that I would find it.”

“Wh— What?”

“Yeah, you saw that I was the only other person in this computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out, so that I would find it.” Evan could literally hear the gears in Connor’s head turning.

“Why would I do that?”

“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right? And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy!” Connor starts yelling.

“No, wait. I don’t even— what?” Evan sees the hurt in Connor’s eyes. 

“Fuck you.” Connor starts storming off. 

“But I really, I need that back. Please. Can you just, can you please give it back?” Connor doesn’t look back. At that, Evan knows he has to tell him. The truth. “I— I have a crush on Zoe.”

Those black boots stop hitting the floor. Connor doesn’t look around though. Evan continues in a rush. 

“The, the letter is for my therapist. He wants me to write letters about my feelings to boost my confidence. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to write about Zoe. She just, I like her, and... ” Evan gets greeted with Connor’s expressionless face as he finally turns.

“How is this boosting your confidence?” Connor stares at the letter. “This is so fucking sad.”

“No, yeah, I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.” 

Connor looks blank. Evan takes that for judgement, so he quickly proceeds with his explanation. “And yeah, I like her, but obviously she doesn’t like me back, I mean, why would she?” Evan nervously chuckles and starts to ramble. “I’m nobody and she’s perfect, and, um, my hands are too sweaty, because I have anxiety, and she’s in the jazz band so she’s cool, so why would she like me? I mean, she probably doesn’t even know who…”

Evan slowly trails off as he realises Connor is no longer listening to him. Connor, seeing that Evan has stopped, looks up. Awkward silence hangs between them.

“Did you…” Connor cautiously starts, before clearing his throat and shaking his head. “Never mind.”

“No, no, it’s, um, it’s okay. You can ask.”

“Okay.” Connor puts his hands in his pockets and looks down before blurting out, “Did you say… um, do you have anxiety?”

Evan swears in his head. Why did he let that slip? He can feel himself starting to panic as he fumbles for a response. “Wh—, um, I, uh…” He starts to take deep breaths to calm his racing heart.

“No! No, it’s okay if you have anxiety. I didn’t mean to, y’know, try and expose you.” Connor looks frantic seeing Evan hyperventilate. He thinks for a bit then mumbles, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I— I do, actually. Have anxiety. Um, anyways, can I, it’s almost second period, so can I, I need to go to class, and I need my letter back…”

“Oh yeah, here.” Connor hands it over.

“Thanks.” Evan mutters before walking out of the computer lab as fast as he can without looking suspicious. He can feel Connor’s eyes still burning into him as he turns the corner, but he misses the faint smile growing on Connor’s face and the glint of hope in his eyes.


	2. definitely high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor starts to say something but his phone interrupts him with a loud ring. He jumps and takes his phone out. Evan can see the caller ID from where he is sitting. It is just one letter.
> 
> M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so connor meets miguel finally xd
> 
> kinda really want miguel and evan to be friends so probably won't make connor and miguel boyfriends? not sure yet but ye
> 
> if you guys want them dating tho please comment and i'll see what i can do:)
> 
> really really sorry ill try my best to update super fast but chapter 3 probably won't come out till at least a few days later or tops a week theres just way too much homework sigh

Dr Sherman is expressionless as he reads through Evan’s letter. After what feels like an hour, he puts it down slowly and looks up.

“Evan.” He’s disappointed. Evan can tell. “I thought I told you to write about how it was going to be a good day, hm?”

“Sorry…”

“You can at least try a little harder, okay? Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s wh—”

“But it wasn’t a good day,” Evan says so softly even he himself doubts whether he has actually said that out loud or not.

“I— I’m sorry?”

“Uh, it wasn’t a good day, so I shouldn’t lie and say it is.”

Dr Sherman leans back and massages his temples. Evan knows he’s getting impatient but he doesn’t really care at this point. “Evan, I’m trying to help you here. If you’re not going to—”

“How is this helping me?” Evan yells shakily. He could feel tears coming but he pushes them back in. “Wasn’t it you who told me to let my feelings out and never keep them in? Isn’t this the same thing?”

Dr Sherman looks like he has just got slapped in the face. Good, thinks Evan bitterly. Serves him right.

Evan can feel panic brewing up inside him and he knows it’s bad to keep it inside, but there’s no way he’s going to have a panic attack here. Anywhere but here.

Wiping tears away, he hastily grabs his bag, and, ignoring Dr Sherman’s calls, blindly opens the door and runs outside, away from the therapy center, away.

Evan has been running for around ten minutes before realising that he’s surrounded by trees. He starts to relax, but then sees a sign.

Ellison State Park

Shit. Evan quickly walks away, but it’s too late. Everything from this summer comes rushing back. The feeling of hopelessness, hanging on a branch with no foothold, wondering whether he would be better off to just let go. Disappear.

Evan feels like he’s drowning. His legs aren’t working anymore. He leans on a tree and shakily lets out quiet sobs. Evan can tell he’s starting to hyperventilate from the sobbing, and not wanting to pass out, he tries taking deep breaths to calm himself down. It doesn’t work. 

Everything seems fuzzy now. Is the world spinning, or is he? Evan can’t tell. He feels himself sliding down the tree and black spots are appearing at the edge of his vision.

Then one particular black dot starts to become bigger. And bigger. Evan is hallucinating, he’s sure. It has happened before. But when this black dot has almost covered his entire vision and he’s ready to pass out, Evan blindly feels a paper bag pushed onto his face and words of comfort murmured to him. 

Ironically, the fact that someone is here to help him is the reason Evan fully breaks down. He finally lets out those loud sobs he has been holding in since the therapy session has started. He is deathly scared that he’ll alert someone else in the park, but Evan knows that keeping his sobs quiet will only make his hyperventilating worse.

So he stays in that position, head in his hands, for as long as he needs to calm down.

Slowly but surely, Evan’s breathing slows down as arms hold him tightly, giving him comfort. He looks up slightly, and Connor’s anxious face stares right back at him. 

“You’re gonna be okay...” Connor murmurs as he subconsciously rubs Evan’s back.

When he sees that Evan doesn’t look like he’s going to pass out anytime soon, Connor withdraws his hand and hastily sits down next to him.

“I’m sorry.” Evan awkwardly breaks the silence.

Connor looks up and stops picking at his nails. “Don’t be. You couldn’t control that. It’s not your fault.”

“Did... How did you know, to, um, use a paper bag?”

Connor tenses up, and Evan regrets asking immediately. He braces himself for whatever Connor is going to do to him. But nothing happens.

Connor looks down at his hands. “I— I also have anxiety.” He mumbles so softly Evan thinks he might have misheard.

“Oh. Oh, um, I’m sorry...”

“You apologise too much.”

“I’m sor— okay.“ Evan stops himself just in time and looks at Connor.

“You want to say it again, don’t you?” Connor is chuckling. It’s an unusual sight, but who is Evan to complain? It’s better than angry and violent Connor, that’s for sure.

“Yes, very much so.” 

Connor starts to say something but his phone interrupts him with a loud ring. He jumps and takes his phone out. Evan can see the caller ID from where he is sitting. It is just one letter.

M

But that was enough to make Connor panic. His eyes dart around and he starts to pant loudly. 

“Are you okay?” Evan cautiously starts.

Connor doesn’t even seem to hear him. After a few seconds of pacing he sits back down, and with trembling fingers, presses the answer button like it’s a bomb waiting to explode.

“Connor? Is that you?” A teenage boy’s voice crackles through the phone.

Oh, it’s on speaker. Evan feels like he’s intruding on a private conversation, but he secretly wants to hear this. Does Connor have a friend? Or is it just a family friend who is forced to befriend Connor like Jared is to Evan?

“Where the fuck were you? Why didn’t you just reply? One fucking text, M. That’s all I’m asking for. I thought...” Evan can see Connor starting to tear up. “I almost...”

“I’m sorry.” Whoever M is, he does sound apologetic. At least to Evan he does. “I was at work, and I didn’t want to just, y’know...” He seems to be struggling with putting his thoughts into words.

Then there is silence.

Evan looks up at Connor, and he is opening his mouth to speak, but, after a second, swallows and closes it again, as if he wants to talk but don’t know what to say.

M clears his throat on the other end. “Uh, Connor, I...” He doesn’t know what to say as well.

“I really missed you Miguel.” Connor says quietly. Miguel. So that’s his name. “I’m really sorry for...” Here Connor takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry for, um, that day. I didn’t mean to push you away, I didn’t mean to just leave, I just, I got scared...” He trails off.

“It’s okay.” Evan hears sniffling on the other end. “I’m just happy you’re fine.”

Evan realises he shouldn’t still be here, so he quietly gets up and prepares to leave.

He feels something tugging on his hoodie. When he turns around, Connor’s eyes are frantic as he stops Evan from leaving.

Evan is confused, but he doesn’t have anywhere else to be. At least, nowhere he is wanted, so why not? He nods to assure Connor that yes, he will stay, then sits back down cautiously, not knowing why Connor wants him here.

The call eventually ends with Miguel promising to meet up with Connor soon. Connor finally relaxes and, leaning back against the tree trunk, closes his eyes. A single tear slides down his face.

Evan hugs his knees to himself and tries to make himself smaller. He doesn’t know what to do, Connor still hasn’t acknowledged him yet, did he somehow misread Connor’s meaning? Maybe he doesn’t actually want Evan here, maybe he should just—

“Um, so...”

Evan flinches.

Connor doesn’t notice, and continues. “Do you need to go home or something? Sorry I kept you here, I was scared of what Miguel might say, and I don’t know, I was just scared.” 

“No, no it’s fine, my, um, my mum won’t be home yet and uh, I have nothing to do.”

“So what happened?”

“Wh— about what?”

“Your anxiety attack. Or panic attack. I don’t know why they have two names for it. It’s confusing.” Connor says flatly like they were just talking about how one plus one is two.

Evan chooses to ignore the fact that Connor thinks an anxiety and panic attack are the same thing so he doesn’t have to say more than he already does. He also doesn’t know how he should explain his panic attack to Connor. His head is pounding from the tears he shed, and he is so exhausted that he just wants to go to sleep right now right here. But he owes Connor an explanation. He did just save Evan from another trip to the hospital.

He knows it’s somewhat because of the therapy session, but mostly it is because of him being in Ellison State Park once again. He doesn’t really want to tell people about the latter, though, so he just goes with the former.

Evan rubs his forehead in an attempt to stop it from throbbing. “Uh, I had a therapy session right after school,” He purposely avoids Connor’s eye contact. He’s going to think Evan’s such a huge freak by the end of this. “And, um, basically, I— I got upset with Dr Sherman, oh, he’s, uh, he’s my th— therapist. Then I ran out to, uh, ran out and ended up here, in this p—park.” Evan is stuttering really badly but Connor doesn’t seem to care at all.

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, I guess...” Evan replies nervously. 

They talk a bit more. Mostly about trees, on Evan’s part, and complaining about Mr Flores, their AP Calculus teacher, on Connor’s. 

Evan feels himself slowly drifting off as the sun begins to set. His panic attack must have taken a lot out of him. He distantly hears Connor yell ‘how the fuck do you mess up that equation?’ before he promptly loses consciousness.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan stirs as he hears a faint ringing. He groggily opens his eyes and feels something ticklish on the side of his face. He turns and glimpses a streak of blond right in front of him. Is that… hair? Evan bolts up as he remembers where he is. Connor has fallen asleep, slumped onto Evan’s shoulder. The ringing tone is probably coming from Connor’s phone in his pocket. As Evan ponders on whether to wake Connor up for his phone call, an especially loud ring saves him from his self-debate. 

Connor jolts awake with a start. He looks lost for a few seconds, then upon meeting Evan’s eyes and remembering where he is and why, he frantically takes his phone out again and fumbles with it, but snorts with disappointment when he realises it’s Zoe.

Connor answers with a yawn. “What.”

“Where the fuck are you, asshole? Band’s been over for half an hour and you’re not on the roof smoking weed.” Evan’s eyes widen as he struggles to accept that this is Zoe. His crush. Zoe Murphy. Yelling at her brother. And swearing. Right here.

“I skipped.”

“You piece of shit. You know mum needs me to drive you home when you’re high and you always are. Fuck you. I’m leaving. Guess you have to find a way back home yourself.”

“Fuck you too,” Connor replies and promptly hangs up. He sees Evan looking at him uneasily and raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“D— do you guys, um, I don’t know, always talk to each other like, like that?”

“Like what?”

“Uh, the swearing...”

“I always talk like that. To everyone.”

“Yeah, but Zoe d—“

“Why would you know about that?” Connor snaps. Evan flinches again, and Connor, noticing that, calms himself down. “Oh, sorry. Wait, I forgot, you like Zoe, you probably stalk her.”

Evan doesn’t know how to reply. Does he nod and confirm, or deny it?

Connor saves him from the agony of thinking. “Anyways, I gotta go. Guess we fell asleep, huh?” Connor chuckles, looking a bit embarrassed and Evan follows suit, a little awkwardly. Connor swings his bag over his shoulder and leaves, yelling out a goodbye to Evan without looking back.

Evan stays rooted under the tree until he shakes himself off from his trance. Did he just make a friend? Maybe his mum was right, maybe this is going to be a great year. A smile finds its way onto Evan’s face, just as another smile finds its way onto Connor’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good? or too fast-paced?
> 
> personally i feel like their friendship is a bit rushed this is in my opinion but i think connor keeps even more to himself idek
> 
> might edit a bit of the plot later if i have time school is a biatch
> 
> feel free to comment tysm


	3. dear connor murphy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> connor disappears from school for two days why?
> 
> i made connor a genius just cus
> 
> evan builds up his confidence and texts connor no email sorry yall
> 
> no angst in this chapter not that ik of angst will come soon guys soon

Evan slowly drags his feet towards his house when his mum starts to frantically call him. He texts back that he’s okay, and pries himself from his position against the tree trunk.

When he finally turns the doorknob and walks into his unlit house, Evan sees a piece of paper sitting beneath the flower vase, its edge flickering from the gust of wind that has just come in with Evan, like a tiny white flag of surrender. He walks over and slips it out, careful not to tip the vase over.

hey honey I just went out for class  
PLEASE order food it’s all online now there’s a twenty on your desk I don’t want you to starve yourself  
love you mum

Evan sighs. Of course she isn’t home again. When is she ever here? He trudges upstairs to his room and sure enough, a twenty-dollar bill lies on his desk, folded neatly next to his Ativan refills. He leaves the dollar bill where it is, and flops onto his bed, ready to go to sleep once he takes off his hoodie—

Wait. Did he hear something? Evan shoves his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. Feeling a piece of paper, he pulls it out. It is a crumpled slip of paper, greased with dirt and god knows what else. Evan smoothes it out and shines it under his table lamp.

646-491-1735

Evan softly smiles to himself and grabs his phone to add in the phone number. If he isn’t mistaken, Connor has written down his phone number on the slip of paper and put it in his pocket when he has been unaware or asleep. Evan is tempted to start texting Connor immediately, but knowing that he isn’t a person who would like socialising, Evan resigned to asking him about it at school the next day.

\------------ the next day ------------

Evan cranes his neck from his lunch table, trying to find Connor. He hasn’t been in his normal AP Literature or Calculus class, the only two classes Evan has with him. This isn’t unusual by itself, since Connor has always skipped classes. Deep down, Evan is amazed that Connor has kept up in his AP classes despite never listening in class (he is always high or sleeping) and has not once finished his homework properly. However, what is unusual about today is the fact that Connor isn’t even at lunch. If there is one period Connor would never skip, it is lunch. Evan has seen Connor devouring three portions of the school meals in ten minutes, then letting out a loud belch, which has promptly led Evan to lose his appetite for the day.

His hunt for the long-haired Murphy gets interrupted by a certain boy by the name of Kleinman. 

“What the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to stretch your neck? Oh, I get it, an acorn wasn’t enough, you wanna be a giraffe now?” Jared says as he drops down into the seat next to Evan.

“N—no I…” Evan trails off. He is hesitant to tell Jared about his new-found friendship, but another person helping won’t hurt. Right? “I was just, uh, looking for Connor. He, um, he wasn’t in, like, AP Calc or Lit, so… was he, I don’t mean to pry, but was he, um, in AP Bio?” 

Evan knows for a fact that Connor takes 4 AP subjects, Calculus BC, English Literature, Biology and Chemistry, and is keeping up quite well actually, only falling behind academic scholars such as Alana, which means that he has a shot at good universities, possibly the Ivies if he does well in the AP exams. Evan, to be honest, is impressed. Connor is obviously a genius; if he actually revised, he could no doubt get on the honor roll.

“Why? Are you guys like dating now?” Jared asks, joking.

Evan's heart stops for a second. “No! No, it isn’t like that! It’s just, um, it’s just that Connor is always at lunch, but he isn’t today, at least I can’t see him here, so, um, so I was just wondering. We… we are completely platonic, why, uh, why wouldn’t we be? I like Zoe, you know that, so it would be weird if I like her brother too, that’s why I don’t…” Evan starts to ramble.

Jared blinks, then promptly bursts into laughter. “Jesus fucking Christ!” He wipes tears from his eyes, then seeming to have calmed down, he continues, “And no, I didn’t see your boyfriend in biology…”

But Evan has already stopped listening. He wrings his hands anxiously. He can text Connor. He did give Evan his phone number, right? But then again, Connor might have given him his number just in case and doesn’t expect Evan to text him just because of one day of absence. God, this is so annoying. Evan rubs his forehead in frustration.

“Uh… Evan? Earth to Evan!”

Evan jumps as he realises Jared has been waving his hand in front of his face.

“Oh, s—sorry, I spaced out…” 

Jared sighs. “Of course you did. My camp friends are calling me so I’ll be spending the rest of lunch in the janitor’s closet, don’t bother trying to find me, okay?” Jared doesn’t wait for a reply. “Tell your mum I was nice to you, I mean, I was nice, so that’s technically the truth, anyways bye acorn!” Without another glance, he stands up with his tray and walks out of the cafeteria.

Evan exhales, somewhat disappointed but also relieved that Jared has left. He shakes himself out of his stupor and starts to focus on his lunch rather than where Connor Murphy is.

\------------ the next day ------------

“Alana Beck!”

“Here!”

“Mark Hansen!”

Evan cringes. He remembers telling Mr Flores about calling him Evan instead, but apparently he has forgotten. He mumbles a soft “yes” and makes a mental note to himself to tell Mr Flores after class.

He spaces out for the next few names called out, but snaps right back into attention when he hears—

“Connor Murphy!”

Silence. Evan looks around. Sure enough, Connor’s table is unoccupied. Is he absent again? As Mr Flores continues with the role call, Evan makes up his mind to ask Zoe about it. Maybe he can take care of his sweaty hands situation too. Two birds, one stone. 

Connor isn’t at lunch. Evan wipes his hands repeatedly on his pants until Jared actually starts to look concerned, and with trembling legs walks over to where Zoe is sitting with her friends.

“Uh, Zo—Zoe…?”

Zoe doesn’t hear him, and continues laughing at a joke her friend has made.

Evan coughs, louder than he has to. The laughter slowly dies down, and Evan feels five pairs of eyes burning into his skull. “Umzoecanitalktoyou?” Evan mumbles in one breath. 

“Hey Evan, sure, what’s the matter?” Zoe stands up and leads him away from her table.

“Uh, this, this might sound a bit strange, like maybe more than a little, because I usually don’t mind other people’s business, but in, like, in this case, I’m, you could say, um, what’s the word, concerned? Yes, concerned, uh, that Connor is, um, Connor… why hasn’t Connor been at school these few days?” Evan rushes his last sentence as Zoe herself starts to look more and more concerned.

“Why, um, why do you want to know? Oh, did my brother do something to you? You can tell me, he’s always hurting other people, I’ll make sure it’s settled—”

“No, nonono! It’s nothing like that,” Evan hurriedly cuts in. “Actually, Connor was, uh, really nice to me, actually, because, uh, I had a panic attack? Two days ago? And, um, basically, he helped me through it, he helped me a lot that day, yeah.”

Zoe stares at him suspiciously. “Okay then. That doesn’t sound like Connor though. Did he set you up for this? It won’t be the first time.”

After Evan assures her that no, Connor did not pay Evan to say nice things about him, Zoe hesitantly reaches into her pocket and takes out a pen.

“Here,” Zoe takes Evan’s hand and writes on the inside of his arm. Evan is literally screaming on his inside to calm down, calm the fuck down, or else he’s going to explode, because Zoe Murphy is currently having physical contact with him, oh my god… 

“That’s our address. Connor got into a fight with dad, and the next day he started to say he wasn’t feeling well. He locked his door and hasn’t come out since. At least not when we were home. I have no fucking idea how he goes to the toilet. Mum has tried so many times to go in but she can’t so she has resigned to just shoving food in below his door. You can go check on him later after school if you want to, he might let you into his room. But I’ve warned you, he’s a psychopath.” Evan numbly nods. Or thinks he nods. He is still staring at where Zoe has touched him. 

“I got to go to band now. You good?”

“Y—yeah, thanks.”

Zoe turns to leave with a wave, leaving Evan alone with his sweaty hands once again.

\------------ time cut ------------

It is now or never. Evan takes a huge breath, and presses send.

You:  
Hey Connor!  
I’m really sorry to be bothering you, you probably don’t want to hear from me, but it’s just you haven’t been in school these two days and I was just wondering, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I’m just worried I’m just wondering are you okay?

He stares at his phone and sits up straighter as the ticks turn blue after only a few seconds.

Connor:  
who tf  
get the fuck away from me i’ll block u

Evan freaks out and unintentionally starts to hyperventilate. He immediately starts to type again with shaking fingers.

You:  
Oh my god!  
Connor I’m so so so sorry, it’s me Evan.  
Evan Hansen.  
You gave me your phone number on Wednesday?  
At the park?  
Or at least I think you gave it to me.  
Did the piece of paper accidentally get into my pocket?  
It’s fine if it did I’m sorry I’ll stop texting you right now.

The ticks turn blue the second they get sent. But Connor doesn’t reply. Evan swears at himself. Connor is angry at him. He’s sure about that. Evan is about to put down his phone when he feels a buzz. Now two.

Connor:  
oh my b  
hi i guess

Evan really doesn’t mean to pry, but he has to ask.

You:  
Are you sick?

Evan stares at the three dots that indicate Connor is typing. Then just as quickly, they’re gone. And back. And gone. It has been three minutes before a lone message pops up on Evan’s screen.

Connor:  
why do u care

Evan bites his lip. He doesn’t want to offend Connor in any way, so he chooses his words carefully.

You:  
You’re kind of, I guess, my only friend…?  
Or I mean acquaintance.

Connor:  
oof 

Evan leaves it at that, just relieved that Connor doesn’t seem to be annoyed at him. He puts down his phone and starts on his environmental science homework. He has just got his laptop open to the right page when he hears a buzz again.

Connor:  
meet me at ellison

Evan swallows. Isn’t Connor supposed to be sick at home? But considering that it is Connor, Evan won’t be surprised if he can climb out of his window. And why would Connor want to meet him? Does he have something to say to Evan? Evan glances up at the clock on the wall. Five thirty. Enough time to go meet Connor and come back without his mum knowing. Making up his mind, Evan slips his phone into his pocket and walks out the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys ive been having writer's block ugh listening to sincerely me or just watching mike faist being mike faist isnt enough anymore hope this is good enough tho 
> 
> also not american so ive no idea how ap classes and exams work please comment and help if the plot isn't realistic tell me thankyou
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed the chapter


	4. mess that i am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan gets a reprise of his summer at ellison state park
> 
> but this time he is found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for suicide attempt and angst (im writing this for every chapter jic)

Evan treads softly on the fallen leaves, trying to make out Connor in the midst of the trees. Suddenly, he hears someone faintly calling his name. He abruptly stops and looks around in a circle, but he can’t see anyone.

“Hansen! Up here!”

Evan looks up, and sure enough Connor is straddling a branch like it is a horse right above Evan’s head.

“Come up,” Connor yells down as he continues to climb higher.

But Evan can’t. He distantly remembers having done the same thing Connor is doing right now, at the same place, and—

It’s just been downhill since.

So he stands there numbly until Connor calls for him again.

“Come on what’s taking you so long?”

Evan, being Evan, doesn’t want to annoy Connor, so he takes a deep breath, blocking out all the thoughts rushing into his head, and starts to follow Connor.

Panting like crazy, Evan heavily sits himself down on one of the sturdier branches and looks down. He’s only four feet up. So why is he so scared? Is it because of his broken arm? He reaches up for a branch to secure himself and feels it coming down with his hand. That does it. Tears start to pour down his face, and Evan buries his face in his hands, holding himself to try and stop his hyperventilating, to stop being a pussy, but it is all in vain. Evan feels himself losing his balance but he can’t do anything to stop it.

He falls sideways until a sharp pain shoots up his broken arm when he hits the ground. Evan faintly hears Connor yelling something and then promptly blacks out.

\------------ time cut ------------

“Evan... Shit. Evan, Evan, please wake up...”

Evan desperately tries to answer, but cannot even find the energy to open his eyes, let alone talk.

“Oh my fucking god, Evan, I’m so sorry!” Evan can feel Connor nudging his shoulder softly, then all that comes is searing pain. Just pain, nothing else. He distantly feels himself throwing up as his lunch dribbles down his chin onto his shirt. Before he can do anything else, he fades into oblivion again. 

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan groggily wakes up to someone draping a cool piece of cloth on his forehead. He forces his eyes open and squints at the figure, figures hovering over him.

“M—mom?” Evan ignores the world spinning around him and focuses only on Heidi. She silences Evan with a melancholy smile and squeezes his unhurt hand. Evan switches his gaze to the other figure, and suddenly realises that Connor is breathing unnecessarily fast and has tears running down his face nonstop. When Connor sees Evan looking at him, he immediately averts his gaze and looks down towards the floor. 

“Connor! What, what’s the matter? Did I... what did I...” Evan frantically says even though his words are slightly slurred and it hurts his jaw every time he opens his mouth.

Connor shakes his head and tries to talk but ends up choking on his tears and breaking down even more. Evan, seeing how panicked Connor is, sits up but a sharp pain in his head stops him before he is able to, forcing him to cry out and lie back down.

Heidi looks alarmed at Evan’s cry. She starts to step towards him but glances back at Connor, whose breath is hitching and seems to be having considerable difficulty breathing. 

Heidi clearly looks conflicted between who to help, and Evan, noticing this, immediately says, “It’s okay, I, I’m okay.” 

Heidi starts to say something but stops herself. She hesitates then nods, before replying, “Get some rest, you need it.” 

When she sees Evan’s agreement, Heidi taps Connor’s shoulder lightly and together they leave the room. Evan can still hear Connor crying in the hallway outside and his mom trying her best to comfort him. Evan has no clue what has happened? How did he get here? When did he get hurt?

“Mrs Hansen, I’m so, so sorry,” Connor takes a shaky breath. “It’s all my fault.” 

“Oh Connor, honey, no, of course it isn’t! Also, it’s Heidi.” 

“But...but if I haven’t...Ev—he wouldn’t have…” More sobbing. Evan is getting concerned. “He could have died!” Connor chokes out and Evan hears Heidi softly consoling Connor.

Evan is about to walk out and ask him why, but a wave of exhaustion washes over him and he drifts into dreamland.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan wakes up to a toilet flushing outside his room. His door is left slightly ajar and from his bed he can see Connor, sitting up in bed, looking at his computer in the guest room right opposite his. Evan notices dark bags under Connor’s eyes and unconsciously glances at the clock on the wall. Three-thirty. What is Connor doing staying up? Evan sits up as well. Fuck, his head is pounding. He rubs his head in an attempt to stop his head from spinning. It doesn’t really work, but oh well. 

Evan gingerly finds his footing on the floor and stands up. Instantly, black dots cover his vision. Ignoring this, Evan takes a step forward. At that, his legs turn into jelly and Evan stumbles forward, falling onto his knees with a crash. A sob rips through his throat. He hears his door bang open.

“Oh god, Evan. What happened?” Connor’s voice rings out and Evan can hear him crouching next to his fallen figure.

Evan shakes his head and tries to get up himself, but to no avail. The world is spinning too fast around him. He then feels Connor grabbing his arm and gently hoisting him to his feet. It has been only a few seconds before Evan loses his balance again and this time, falls onto Connor and they both half fall half crash onto the floor. Bile rises in Evan’s throat and before he can help it he throws up again all over the floor. Panting, he squeezes his eyes shut and wills everything to go away, the pain, the dizziness, the confusion. He hears a grunt as Connor finds a better position to hold Evan.

“H—Heidi? Evan, he, I don’t know what happened, but…” The door bangs open again. 

“Oh no. Evan? Evan dear? Can you hear me?” Evan feels his mom tousling his hair. He swallows and slowly nods, grimacing as that slight movement sends him into a fresh bout of pain.

“I think he has a concussion… He needs the hospital. Let me call an ambulance.” 

“No...no.” Evan mumbles. He hates ambulances. 

“Honey? What did you say?”

“I...I don’t want...ambulance. Car…”

Heidi sighs. “Evan, in your state, you can’t—”

Evan tugs at Connor’s shirt. Connor gets the clue and stands up, holding out his hand to Evan. Evan feels himself being pulled up, and after Connor makes sure Evan can stand, starts to help him out, with Connor fully supporting Evan’s weight.

They have only made it out to the hallway before Evan accidentally hits his head on the wall. Another wave of dizziness knocks Evan off. Evan can practically feel his legs give way beneath him. But he doesn’t fall. Instead, arms wrap around his chest and he is eased against the wall. Connor’s worried face flickers in and out of focus in front of him and he can hear Heidi calling the hospital. His tired brain tries to protest but instead shuts down again.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan blearily opens his eyes to a completely white ceiling. He has only just started to move before his mum crushes him in one giant hug. 

“Oh, Evan. I was so scared…”

“Mum, I—”

“Evan?” Evan turns and sees a doctor standing in front of his hospital bed. “Can you please tell me what you remember about getting hurt?”

Evan furrows his brows and tries to think with his throbbing head. He thinks back to when he has talked to Zoe in school, then tries to continue, but comes up blank. He tries again, but talking to Zoe is the last thing he remembers. 

“I don’t know,” Evan says softly. “Why, why can’t I… What happened? Why can’t I remember?” Tears spill from the edge of his eyes and he starts to hyperventilate. 

“Hey honey, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Heidi grasps Evan’s hand as a form of comfort.

The doctor then leaves, and calls for Evan’s mom after a few minutes. Evan can hear their hushed whispers from beyond his curtain and strains to listen.

“Evan has mild amnesia from his concussion. Don’t worry, it’s not severe and there is no permanent damage, so he can get discharged later today. I will prescribe some pain medicine for him to take if his headache gets unbearable. He should stay home for a week just to be safe. He also rebroke some of the bones inside his arm, which means he needs to get a new cast…”

They walk out, and Evan cannot hear them anymore. Ten minutes later, Heidi comes back in. 

“Mum, I have amnesia? What happened?”

Heidi looks stumped for a moment, as if she doesn’t know what she should say. Hesitantly, she starts to relay the story to Evan.

Apparently Evan fell off a tree when he was with Connor in Ellison State Park. He fell unconscious and Connor couldn’t do anything because he didn’t have a car and his phone ran out of service. It was then that Heidi started calling Evan on his phone and Connor, hearing Evan’s phone ring, took it out and answered. Between gasps and heavy breathing, Heidi got the story that Evan fell out of a tree and fainted and immediately drove the car to the park.

Heidi took Evan back home with the help of Connor. Since it was late already, and the day after is a school day, Heidi volunteered to call Connor’s mum to tell her that Connor will be staying the night at the Hansens’. But then they had realised Evan had a concussion and—

“Wait,” Evan interrupts. He knows this part of the story already. “Where’s Connor now? School hasn’t started yet.” It is five o’clock, according to the clock on the wall.

Heidi bites her lips. “Connor’s outside. He thinks it’s his fault you got hurt. He’s pretty sure you don’t want to see him.”

“Can u tell him to come in?”

Heidi pulls at her hair. “Honey, you should give him some time, he—”

“Please?”

Heidi leaves silently.

Connor trudges in with Heidi right behind him, He has his hands in his pockets, his eyes on the floor. 

“I’ll let you two have some time alone,” Heidi whispers and leaves the room.

“Hey,” Evan doesn’t know how to start. Connor stays silent.

“Thanks for, y’know, telling my mum. You didn’t, you didn’t have to stay here for me…”

“It was my fault.”

“Connor, it wasn’t—”

“It was. I’m sorry.” Evan can’t see Connor’s face, but his shoulders are shaking.

“No! No, no, please don’t think it was! It would have happened anyway…” Evan trails off as he sees Connor taking a deep breath and wiping his face. 

“I should go.”

“Wh—what?” Evan isn’t expecting that.

“I need to get to school. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Finally, Connor lifts his head. Tear streaks mark his face. They make eye contact for a brief second, then Connor breaks it, his face hardening, and walks out of the room.

Evan tries to follow him, his eyes blurring from fresh tears, but gets stopped by his mum who is just walking back in. Evan is pretty sure she has heard their entire conversation. Heidi wraps her arms around her son’s shaking body, and Evan resorts to burying his face into her shoulder for as long as he needs it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh this took so long sorry!!
> 
> i apologise for making evan hurt physically and emotionally but its the only way i can think of to get him and connor to be closer and also for connor to meet heidi
> 
> criticism very welcome please comment guys


	5. take you home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ev?”
> 
> Evan turns around and sees Connor fighting back sleep. “Yeah?”
> 
> “I, just, thank you…” Connor’s eyes slowly flutter shut, and within seconds, his steady breathing fills the room.
> 
> Evan smiles to himself. “You’re welcome,” he whispers, before taking one last look at the sleeping figure and stepping out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god 3k words wHAT?
> 
> tw for angst and depression and everything else

Evan sits on his bed, legs criss-crossed and he stares blankly at the wall in front of him. A light knock sounds from outside his door, causing him to jump.

“Come in.”

Heidi cautiously opens the door slightly and peeks her head in. “Hey. Ready for your first day back to school tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Honey, what did I say? I already let you stay home for two weeks. You need to be engaging with people, not running away from them.” Heidi sighs and rubs her temples.

“It’s not about that.”

“Then wha—“ Heidi stops herself as she understands. “Oh, Evan, everything will be fine with Connor. He’s a sweet kid and I’m glad you made a new friend.”

“Not anymore. He made it pretty clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He probably just pitied me but now I’m too annoying and he doesn’t want to put up with me and my sweaty hands anymore.”

“Of course that’s not what happened honey.” Another sigh. “I’ll let you get to sleep, it’s getting late. Why don’t you try to text Connor again? It won’t hurt.”

“Maybe.”

Heidi leaves without another word. Evan sits there silently until he can no longer hear his mum’s footsteps. He then flips open his computer and opens it up to his text messages with Connor. In total, Evan has probably sent more than 100 messages to him in the last two weeks and has received no replies. It’s not like Connor blocked him, though, because Evan can see that Connor has read every single one of them almost immediately after Evan has sent them, so that isn’t the case.

They all went something like this.

-  
Please Connor it’s not your fault!

I promise it isn’t.

I’m so sorry that you think you should take the blame but I just panicked it had nothing to do with you.

Am I bothering you? I’m sorry for bothering you.

If I’m being annoying you can tell me I’ll stop I understand if you don’t want to talk to someone like me.

-

Evan purses his lips together and closes his computer, flopping down onto his bed in frustration. What’s the point of texting Connor? It’s obvious he’s ignoring Evan. Or else he would probably have written back by now.

Trying to block out all these negative thoughts, Evan switches off his bedside light and closes his eyes. Maybe, maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe tomorrow will actually be a good day. Maybe, just maybe, he can reach out his hand, and he will be found.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan closes his locker gently and turns to leave as the bell signalling the end of lunch rings. He hugs his books to his chest and stares at his feet as he walks to class. As he turns a corner, he sees a pair of black boots in front of him and his brain freezes. Evan slowly looks up, and sure enough, Connor’s expressionless face greets him. Something fleets through Connor’s eyes for one second, but it is gone before Evan can make out what it is.Then Connor looks away and brushes past Evan, his footsteps echoing in the corridor. Evan stays rooted on the spot, until he shakes himself out of his trance and tries to forget what has just happened. 

Evan has just stepped into his AP Literature class before he remembers Connor is in his class too. But by this time, the teacher has seen Evan and it is too late to ditch the class. To make matters worse, he has been assigned to sit right behind Connor, according to the seating plan. All Evan can do now is to hope Connor will ditch class.

Surprisingly, and to Evan’s dismay, Connor comes to class. He glances at the seating plan then proceeds to stride to his seat. He stops and stares at Evan for a second before dragging his chair out loudly and flopping into it.

Staring at the back of Connor’s head for a straight fifteen minutes, Evan can’t stand the tension anymore. When the teacher tells the class to do a discussion while he steps out for a talk with another teacher, Evan clears his throat timidly.

“C—connor?”

Evan gets greeted with silence.

He raises his voice slightly and tries again.

Still no reply.

“Connor, I… please.”

Connor turns around.

“What.”

Evan swallows. “I, I just… I was worrying, because you didn’t reply to my messages, but you were reading them, so I don’t, I don’t know, and, um, sorry if you think it was your fault that I fell out of that tree, because it wasn’t…” Connor doesn’t react, and Evan hastily continues. “Y—you helped me, when the, when I had a panic attack that day, and that’s what… that’s more than I can say for anyone else in this school, so… I just, please, it’s not your fault.”

Connor’s face softens but he catches himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“You don’t understand, do you? I don’t want anything to do with you. Now stop fucking talking to me.”

Evan feels like his heart has just broken into a million pieces. Tears are starting to form at the edge of his eyes, and he can’t breathe. Why won’t he breathe? Numbly, Evan stands up and walks as fast as he can to the door. When he walks out, his teacher looks at him questioningly and he mimics going to the bathroom. At his teacher’s approval Evan practically stumbles down the hall, turning a corner and crashing into his locker. He fumbles with his lock and flings the door open, grabbing his Lexapro and downing a couple of pills. He leans against his now closed locker door and feels himself sliding down inch by inch until he is sitting on the floor. He pulls his legs towards him and bangs his head against them. 

Stupid Evan, stupid stupid stupid. Why did he have to do that? Of course Connor doesn’t like him. When has anybody? He’s so stupid.

Evan hears something rustling at the end of the hallway and looks up. He sees the edge of a black boot turning the corner and leaving him alone once again. Is that Connor? What is he doing there? Did he follow Evan here?

The bell rings, signalling the end of school. Evan sighs. He will have to go back to the classroom to get his bag, but at least he won’t have to see Connor for the rest of the day.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur. Evan can’t get Connor’s expressionless face out of his head. At nine thirty, Evan finally gives up on doing any homework and is about to go take a shower when his phone rings. He looks at it. Unknown caller ID. Hm.

“Uh, I, h—hello?”

“Evan, is that you?”

Evan’s heart leaps. He recognises that voice anywhere.

“Zoe! Oh, um, hi, what…”

“Is Connor at your house?”

“Connor, no, why would he be? We’re not friends anymore. In fact, he doesn’t want anything to do with me, so why would he want to come? I mean, we probably weren’t friends to begin with, so I don’t know, but…” Zoe’s words has just dawned on him. “Wait, Connor’s not at home?”

“No. I searched everywhere. Dad and mum aren’t home. Dad has a work thing and mum’s on vacation with her friends. What do I do, Evan? Mum is going to kill me!”

Evan can hear Zoe starting to freak out on the other end. He pulls himself together because, well, Zoe Murphy is talking to him, on the phone, which is one step away from dating him! No, that’s too far. More like ten steps. Or a million, since it’s Evan.

“Uh, I can help you find him. I have nothing to do anyways.”

“You will? Oh my god thank you so much. What’s your address? I can come pick you up.”

After Evan gives his address to Zoe and she hangs up, promising to arrive in ten minutes, Evan scribbles a note to his mum, telling her that Connor is missing and that he is helping Zoe to try and find him. As he is writing, Evan can’t help but smile at the change of events. Sure, Connor is missing and of course Evan is worried, but Zoe, THE Zoe Murphy, has just called Evan and is on her way to pick him up.

Evan carefully buckles his seatbelt as he slides into Zoe’s car and tries to calm his breathing. He can’t believe it. He, Evan Hansen, is in Zoe Murphy’s car right now.

“—an? Evan!”

Evan jolts back into attention as he realises Zoe is talking to him. “What?”

“Where did you say Connor might be?”

“Oh, um, we went to this park called Ellison State Park together? I’m just thinking, he might have gone there, I’m like twenty percent sure. Or maybe ten—”

“How do you get there?”

Evan starts directing Zoe to the park, all the way yelling at himself for fucking up every single thing possible. Why are his hands so sweaty again? Ugh, this time it has been sweaty even before he has thought of it. What is wrong with him?

Before long, Zoe stops the car in front of the main entrance. 

“I’ll stay here. It’s not like Connor would want to see me anyway.”

Evan wants to say he doesn’t think Connor wants to see him either, but decides against it and simply nods as he gets out of the car.

Evan squints as he tries to make out any silhouettes in the darkness. He shivers as the cold is getting to him. He can’t help but feel scared for Connor. If he is actually outside, in mid-September and at night when it is basically 0 degrees, he can freeze to death. After a few minutes, he sees a blob of black on the ground against a tall tree. He steps forward cautiously. It is indeed Connor. Evan can see Connor’s legs pulled up against himself and his face is buried in between his knees. Evan notices that Connor is shaking pretty badly, and he’s sure it isn’t just from the cold. 

Evan steps on a twig and it snaps. He freezes. Connor flinches and looks up. In that second, Evan can see his lips quivering, tears threatening to spill from the edge of his eyes and he looks so, so lost.

The moment Connor sees Evan, he breaks down completely. His head drops as he finally lets out loud sobs that ring out in the park. Connor tries to brush away his tears but they just keep on coming.

Without hesitation, Evan rushes over and bends down, wrapping his arms around Connor to hug him. He can feel Connor tensing up but eventually relaxes and gives up on trying to hide his tears, instead, resolving to just crying into Evan’s shoulder.

“What happened?” Evan asks softly.

“Y—you’ll hate, hate me…” Connor murmurs between sobs. “I’m sorry, I…”

“Hey, hey, don’t worry about it, okay? I’m here, I’m here.” Evan pulls Connor even closer.

Gradually, Connor’s sobs reduce to soft gasping and sniffles. Evan can’t help but notice that Connor’s skin is freezing cold and his teeth are chattering nonstop. He slowly pulls away from Connor and stands up, brushing himself off on the way. 

“Come on.” Evan holds out his hand to Connor. 

“Just… just leave me…” Connor stays where he is, shivering from the cold.

Evan crouches back down. “It won’t do anyone good if you stay here, okay? Zoe’s outside, she can drive you back home.”

Connor hesitantly nods and starts to move. Evan stands back up and helps Connor up as well. After making sure Connor is stable on his feet, Evan takes off his hoodie and drapes it around Connor’s shoulders. Connor looks at Evan, and god, he can practically see the hurt and sorrow in Connor’s eyes. He gives Connor a small smile and starts to walk back to the entrance. He hears loud rustling from behind him, and when he looks back, Evan can see Connor stumbling a few steps.

Concerned, Evan walks back to where Connor is and holds Connor’s arm to support him. He sees that Connor can’t really walk in a straight line, probably from the cold. Evan tries his best to help him, but it is ten minutes before they see the light emitting from Zoe’s car.

Evan opens the door, and after letting Connor into the car, slides in himself too. 

“Oh, thank god! Jesus Christ, Connor, what the fuck were you thinking? Did you think because mum’s not here she’ll let you get away with this? Just— fuck you, Connor. Fuck you.” Zoe starts the engine.

“I’m sorry,” Connor mumbles softly, staring at his legs as he fights back tears that are coming again.

“Oh, uh… oh okay.” Zoe, clearly surprised at that reply, looks at the mirror and catches Evan’s surprised reaction too.

Evan can hear soft gasps and he looks back at Connor, whose tears are once again streaming down his face. He pulls Connor in for a hug again and he buries his face into Evan’s chest. Zoe looks at them through the mirror and starts to say something, but Evan shakes his head and Zoe nods, getting that Connor doesn’t want another person to see how messed up he is.

After a few minutes, Evan realises that Connor’s breathing has slowed down and he pulls away carefully. Connor’s head slides from Evan’s chest to his lap. Even in the darkness, Evan can see that Connor has fallen asleep. He must be exhausted.

The rest of the ride falls into awkward silence until Zoe pulls into Evan’s driveway. “Thank you, Evan.”

“Uh, Connor, he…”

Zoe turns around and sees her brother sleeping peacefully, half his face is covered by his hair. She hesitates but then says, “You can just wake him up. I don’t want to keep you out here any longer.”

“No, it’s, um, it’s okay. I can stay, um, here for a bit longer…”

Zoe nods and turns back around. She sighs and rests her head on the steering wheel, before thinking of something and turns back to face Evan.

“I was thinking… Connor won’t want to stay in the house with me alone, since dad and mum aren’t here. He obviously feels better with you around, and this just happened, so I…I don’t know. This seems like a lot to ask, but would you mind if Connor stayed at your place tonight?”

“No, no, I wouldn’t mind. At all. Of course, uh, of course he can stay.”

Zoe flashes him a tired smile. “I can’t thank you enough.” She starts picking at her nails. “Do you know what happened?”

“Wh—what?”

“Do you know what happened today? Why Connor ran off?”

“Oh, um, he didn’t say, he just said, uh, he said I would hate him if I know.”

“He was talking to someone on the phone today after school. He was in his room, and then he started yelling to, what was the name, Michelle? Yeah, Michelle, something like that. Then he just stomped out of the house and didn’t come back. If I had known, I wouldn’t have waited for so long before…”

Michelle. Miguel. Evan knows he can’t tell Zoe though. “I’ll ask him about it.”

Zoe doesn’t reply for a moment.

“Me and Connor, when we were young, we were very close. Like he was my best friend.”

Evan looks up in surprise. Zoe seems to be talking more to herself than to Evan. He chooses to stay silent.

“I don’t know when um, this all started? Like the arguing. But we were happy once. Then Connor… he started shutting himself out and… and nothing helped. I do want to help him, I really do, but sometimes, it’s just… it’s hard.” Zoe seems to be struggling with her words. “I just… I just hope someone can help him… become who he was before. I, I’m glad it’s you.”

Evan is speechless.

Zoe looks up at Evan and chuckles softly. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

“No, it’s okay.”

A motorcycle vrooms past them, and Connor jolts awake. He looks around frantically with his bloodshot eyes until they rest on Evan and he remembers where he is. 

“Glad you’re finally with us. Evan’s kind enough to let you stay here because I know you don’t want to be cooped up in the house with me. You’re welcome. Now get the fuck out of my car.”

Connor, too tired to say anything, just gets out of the car. Evan takes that to mean he should leave too, but not before saying bye to Zoe. Evan helps Connor up onto the steps and, seeing that the lights are on, rings the doorbell, because it means that Heidi is home from work.

The door flings open and Heidi sags with relief. “Oh thank god.”

She moves out of the way to let the boys in. The moment she closes the door, though, she rushes over to Connor and feels his hands.

“Honey, you’re freezing. Take a shower first, I’ll bring hot tea up to Evan’s room for you.”

“Thank you.” Connor murmurs, still slightly shivering from the cold.

“Don’t mention it.” Heidi smiles and squeezes his hand.

Evan starts walking up the stairs and Connor follows. When they get up to the second floor, Connor starts to make his way to the guest room but Evan stops him.

Connor’s eyes fill with confusion. “Wh—?”

“You’re exhausted. The guest bed isn’t exactly comfortable, you can sleep in my room.”

“But where are you going to sleep?”

Evan opens his door and gestures to his bed. “It’s big enough for the both of us. Come on, take a shower or my mum’s never going to let that go.” He holds out a spare pair of pajamas for Connor.

Connor looks like he is going to smile, but then the day’s events come rushing back and he sighs, nodding, taking the pajamas and stepping into the bathroom.

Heidi comes up ten minutes later. She puts down the tea and smiles at Evan. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, Connor’s not, obviously, but…”

“I’m proud of you, Evan.”

Before Evan can say anything, Connor comes back into the room and Heidi starts fretting over him, making him promise to drink the tea and get enough rest. When Heidi leaves, Connor slides into bed and puts down his finished tea on the bedside table. Evan bends down to get his pajamas, and then opens his door to go take a shower.

“Ev?”

Evan turns around and sees Connor fighting back sleep. “Yeah?”

“I, just, thank you…” Connor’s eyes slowly flutter shut, and within seconds, his steady breathing fills the room.

Evan smiles to himself. “You’re welcome,” he whispers, before taking one last look at the sleeping figure and stepping out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry sorry sorry for so much angst even im sad now but its necessary hehe i promise more fluff next chapter
> 
> heartbreaking enough?:)


	6. these broken parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets his bracelets off and they drop onto the bed. Evan feels like a truck has just rammed into his chest. He can’t breathe. He can’t do anything. All he can do is stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self-harm and angst

Evan groans as his alarm clock starts ringing. He switches it off and tries to pull his blanket up again, but realises it’s stuck.

He opens one eye and in his face is a mop of blond hair. Immediately, the events yesterday come rushing back and Evan sits up, too awake to continue sleeping. He carefully slides down from his bed and walks to the other end.

Connor is curled up in a ball, his hair in his face that flies outwards and back with each of his breath. Evan doesn’t want to wake him up, but since it is a school day, he has no choice.

“C— Connor. Connor.” He gently shakes Connor’s shoulder. 

“Hm?” Connor’s eyes open halfway.

“We have to go to school. Come on.” When Evan sees Connor starting to sit up, he leaves his room to brush his teeth and change his clothes.

When he is done, Evan walks back to his room and sees Connor sitting on the bed, attempting to fight off sleep but nodding off every few seconds.

Evan’s heart breaks a little, but he knows he has to get Connor awake. They are already running late. He rushes to the bed and taps Connor on his leg.

Connor flinches and sits up, combing his hair on the way. “I’m awake! I’m awake.”

“You know, if you’re so tired you don’t have to go to school. My mum can cover for you.” Evan says, noticing the dark bags under Connor’s eyes.

“No, I, it’s okay, I don’t want to ditch you.”

Evan can’t describe how happy that one sentence makes him.

Connor, coughing, swings his leg down and winces slightly. He tries to cover it up but Evan, who has been watching closely, notices it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Connor.”

“Fine, my head feels like shit and it won’t stop spinning. Happy?”

Evan bites his lip as he thinks. “You’re probably just dehydrated from crying. I’ll get you some Tylenol and water, you just wait here.”

When Evan gets downstairs, he bumps into his mum getting ready for work.

“Hey honey! How’s Connor?”

“He has a headache. Where’s the Tylenol?”

Heidi rummages in a cabinet and takes out a bottle of Tylenol, handing it over to Evan. “Here you go. Actually, I’ll go up to check on him too, he might have caught a cold.”

Evan follows his mum back upstairs. When he gets to his room, Connor is standing up, steadying himself with the bedside table and also coughing non stop. Heidi goes over and eases Connor back onto the bed, feeling his forehead.

“You’re heating up. Evan, dear, can you get me the thermometer from the bathroom cabinet?”

Evan comes back with the thermometer and watches as his mum puts it in Connor’s ear.

BEEP

Heidi takes the thermometer back out.

“Oh my...”

Evan stands on his tiptoes and tries to peek over his mum’s shoulder. His blood stops.

103 F

“What?” Connor cranes his neck and tries to see.

Heidi shows him the temperature displayed on the thermometer and forces him to lie down. “You can’t go to school today. I’ll go down and get some more medicine for you. Evan, will you be okay going to school by bus?”

“Uh, I— yeah, I guess...” Evan fidgets with the hem of his shirt. He doesn’t really want to, but he knows his mum should stay here to take care of Connor.

Connor senses Evan’s uneasiness and interjects, “No, call Zoe and tell her to come pick you up. She won’t mind.” He breaks into a hacking cough again and Heidi shoves him a glass of water.

Evan’s heartbeat immediately goes up. That’s the second time in two days he will be talking to Zoe Murphy. Perhaps things were actually looking up.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan packs up his stuff as Zoe’s car pulls into his driveway after school. “Thanks Zoe.”

“No problem. I’ll wait here for Connor. Tell him to hurry up.”

Evan unlocks the front door and steps inside. It is completely quiet. He climbs up the stairs softly and slowly turns the doorknob. Connor’s back is facing Evan, and from the distance it looks like he is sleeping peacefully. But when Evan walks closer, he sees Connor’s tear-streaked face and how his breathing is still a bit irregular from crying.

Evan doesn’t have the heart to wake Connor up, so he texts Zoe.

You:  
Hi Zoe!  
Connor’s asleep and I don’t want to wake him up...

Zoe:  
its ok ill pick him up later?

You:  
Sure!  
Unless...  
Connor still seems a little down he can stay another night?  
Only if it’s okay with you, obviously if you want him to go home, of course he should.

Zoe:  
no its ok  
mum and dad r coming back tmr night so it should be ok  
i can drive you to and back from school tmr too  
so ill pick him up tmr if hes going to school?

You:  
Okay, see you!

Evan puts his phone back in his pocket and walks over to his bed. But before he makes it over, his foot hits a hard object and sends it skidding. He bends down and realises it is Connor’s phone. Or was, since the screen is completely shattered and tiny glass shards are on the floor next to it. Evan doesn’t even have to ask to know that Connor threw the phone there. There’s no other explanation. Evan picks the phone up and tries to turn it on. Surprisingly, it works and Evan can see a few missed calls and text messages from the same person.

M

Evan sighs and places the broken phone on his bedside table. He knows he will have to talk to Connor about Miguel and also how he ignored Evan the past two weeks sooner or later. It’s not good for the both of them to bottle their feelings up. 

He slides into bed, careful not to wake Connor. After a few minutes of just sitting there, Evan reaches for his book he put under his bed last night and accidently knocks his lamp off the table, sending it flying and crashing onto the ground. Evan freezes, the loud crash ringing in his ears, but it is too late. Connor stirs, then realises Evan is here, looks up at him with half-open bloodshot eyes. Evan offers him a half-smile, realising from Connor’s embarrassed expression that he knows that Evan can see he has been crying. 

Connor shifts, moving his head onto Evan’s lap. His shoulders start trembling, and Evan knows he is crying. Just silently. Evan doesn’t know what to do, so he subconsciously rubs circles on Connor’s back. 

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay.”

Connor replies with audible sobs this time and buries his face in Evan’s shirt.

Evan is helpless; he’s just a boy and he has no way of helping Connor. He’s stupid for thinking he can do this, he should just have told Zoe about it. Now his heart is breaking over this boy in front of him and how he has no way to help him, and he’s just useless, totally useless, completely useless… 

Evan snaps back to reality when he hears strangled gasps and realises that Connor is curling in on himself, hyperventilating heavily and having a lot of trouble breathing. Evan starts to panic but stops himself, knowing that Connor needs his help right now.

He bends in and wraps his arms around Connor’s shaking body, trying his best to show Connor that he cares, he really does, and he’ll be here for him anytime, anywhere.

“Breathe, Connor, breathe. I’m here. You’ll be okay.”

Connor shakily takes in a breath but chokes, ending up in a mess of coughing and gasping. “I— I can’t. I’m, I, I’m sorry…”

Evan is on the brink of freaking out himself. He can see from Connor’s scared face that he is losing oxygen and he can pass out anytime. 

“Hey, shh… it’s okay.” Evan takes Connor’s hand and squeezes it, then brings it up to his own heart. “Here, feel my heartbeat and breathe in and out slowly, okay?”

Connor squeezes his eyes shut, tears spilling from the edge of his eyes and nods slightly, sweat dripping from his forehead. Evan purposely exaggerates his breathing to help Connor. After what feels like an eternity to Evan, Connor’s gasps reduce to pants and Evan awkwardly releases Connor’s hand as Connor sits up slowly.

“I, um, thank… thank you.” Connor whispers, looking down at the bed.

“It’s okay.”

Evan hears a buzz, and reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone. But there are no notifications. He frowns and looks at Connor, then realising that Connor has a frantic look on his eyes.

In that second, he completely understands. He reaches over for Connor’s phone and sure enough, someone is calling him. Miguel.

“No. Please.” Connor’s eyes are wide as he mumbles hoarsely. Evan stares at him then thinks for a second, before slowly nodding and gently places the phone back on the table. The soft sound of phone knocking on wood makes Connor’s shoulders sag with relief the moment he hears it. He puts his head in his hands, making Evan think that Connor is starting to cry again, but all Connor does is sit there with his eyes closed, looking extremely exhausted despite getting enough sleep.

Evan scoots closer to Connor and hesitantly puts a hand on Connor’s lap. “What happened?” Evan whispers it, scared that that question alone can break Connor.

Connor looks down and focuses on Evan’s hand that is on his lap, as if it is the most fascinating thing in the world. He doesn’t reply.

“Please, Connor. I, I just… I want to help.” Evan tries again.

“You will hate me.” 

Evan doesn’t even realise Connor has spoken until he is done, but it was so soft Evan is positive he has been hallucinating.

“I, um, I’m sorry? What did you say?”

“You’ll hate me,” Connor says, a bit louder this time, though it is slightly muffled as his hands are still covering his face.

Connor then feels his fingers being involuntarily pried away from his face. He lifts his raw eyes and is greeted by Evan’s concerned face. “Connor, no matter what you did, I won’t hate you. I understand if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to, but I just want you to know that nothing you say will ever make me hate you, okay?”

Evan sees Connor starting to take deep breaths, and knowing this means he’s thinking of telling Evan, he patiently waits, still holding Connor’s hands. 

“Uh, um, I— well, Miguel, he wanted to know more about me, and he started getting mad because I wasn’t really letting him in, but I just, I can’t, I really can’t.” Connor looks up at Evan, and Evan nods encouragingly, not wanting to make Connor feel bad. 

Connor looks relieved at Evan’s nod and he continues. “And then, he was, uh, yelling? He said if it was going to be the same thing as last time, then there’s no point bothering…” He trails off. “Wait, no, sorry, I shouldn’t start there.”

“It’s okay, just take your time.” Evan squeezes Connor’s hand.

“So last time he, uh, Miguel, when he called me at the park? We were making up for a fight, I guess. That day, we were hanging out in his house, and he wanted me to take off my bracelets, but I don’t want him to see that—” Connor stops suddenly. Evan looks up in surprise and Connor has a horrified expression on his face. Like he said too much. Too fast.

“See what?” Evan asks gently.

But Connor seems to regret saying anything in the first place and adamantly shakes his head, muttering “you’ll hate me” over and over again.

“Connor,” Evan releases his hand to pat his leg but he doesn’t react. “Connor, look at me.”

Connor hesitates, then slowly looks up, shifting his gaze every few seconds. 

“I’m really sorry you feel like you can’t tell anyone, Connor. But if you do want to tell someone, just know that I’m here for you, yeah?”

Licking his lips, Connor squeezes his eyes shut and swallows. Slowly, he lifts the sleeve of his hoodie covering his left arm and exposes his black bracelets. Evan looks on, confused. He has no idea what Connor is trying to do. Connor then unclasps his bracelets, taking longer than it should because his fingers are shaking badly. 

Finally, Connor gets his bracelets off and they drop onto the bed. Evan feels like a truck has just rammed into his chest. He can’t breathe. He can’t do anything. All he can do is stare.

Across Connor’s entire forearm are numerous scars, some of them more healed than the others. But before Evan can take a closer look, Connor drags his sleeve back down. Evan turns to look at Connor, who is hugging his legs and trying to make himself smaller.

Evan carefully reaches over and takes Connor’s arm. Connor flinches but doesn’t pull away, instead just looks down with teary eyes. Evan slowly lifts Connor’s sleeve, making sure to stop if Connor doesn’t want to. 

Long jagged scars snakes down Connor’s arm. The skin around the scars is also slightly discolored, suggesting that it has not healed properly.

“Did… did you do that?” Evan asks, barely a whisper and looks up at Connor. Connor bites his lips and nods, then looks away immediately, closing his eyes as if bracing himself for impact.

Evan has so many questions, but he knows judgement isn’t what Connor needs. He knows Connor showed him his self-harm for a reason. Without thinking, Evan releases Connor’s arm and wraps his arms around Connor. Connor jumps, startled, but slowly wraps his arms around Evan too, burying his face into Evan's shoulder.

At that moment, Evan knows everything is going to be alright. Maybe not now, but everything is going to work out. He just hopes Connor knows that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry sorry sorry ik i promised more fluff but its not there yet
> 
> connors first pov will come next chapter too yay
> 
> is this too fastpaced idk please comment


	7. for forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Of course. Ev’s such a great friend.” Whoops. There goes the nickname slip again. But Heidi doesn’t seem to notice. She takes Connor’s hands in hers. 
> 
> “Promise?” Heidi looks straight into Connor’s eyes, like she is searching for something.
> 
> “Promise.”
> 
> Heidi exhales and wraps her arms around Connor. “Thank you.” She whispers into his ear. Connor, taken aback, freezes for a few seconds before hesitantly hugging her back. This is nice. He doesn’t get enough hugs to begin with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for angst and stuff
> 
> also spoiler: a description for throwing up its not horrible but like just in case people dont like it

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Evan pulls away after a while. Connor takes a shaky breath and quickly wipes away the few tears that are on the edge of spilling out.

“Do you… do you want to tell me what happened… then?”

Connor picks at his nails and opens his mouth to speak. But he can’t. All he can hear is Miguel’s voice yelling at him, telling him what a disappointment he is, and how no one in this world will ever want to be with him. Dizziness overtakes Connor, and knowing that he is going to hyperventilate again, he bends down and holds the sides of his hands, breathing very heavily. Nausea claws at Connor’s throat, and he tries to force down the bile, but he can’t control anything anymore.

“C— Connor? Are you, what’s…” Connor can hear Evan say. 

Shit. He can taste the bile in his mouth now. From the edge of his eyes Connor sees Evan snatching a small trash can from the ground and shoving it towards Connor. He is just in time. 

Vomit spews out of Connor’s coughing, choking mouth. His stomach keeps on contracting violently and forcing everything up and out. His face is white and dripping bile, sweat, and tears that he doesn’t know are spilling out until he tastes them. He lurches forward and sinks to his knees. Connor feels a hand rubbing his back, as he continues heaving even though there is nothing left to go.

Connor wants to leave, to run far away and leave Evan forever so he wouldn’t have to deal with Connor’s mess anymore. But before he can move a muscle, Connor’s fucked up brain decides to take a rest. Whether it is because he's dehydrated from crying, or that he’s still sick, Connor doesn’t know. He doesn’t give a shit anymore.

\------------ Evan’s pov ------------

Evan doesn’t know what to do. In all his years of getting sick and panic attacks all over the place, this has never happened. To him, at least. Evan cautiously reaches out and starts rubbing Connor’s back who is still heaving but trying to regain his breathing. Then, just as quickly as this whole incident has started, Connor’s body straightens, and in the next second promptly goes slack.

Evan catches Connor’s head right before it hits the trash can. He tilts it back and he catches sight of Connor’s eyes rolling to the back of his head before they close. Evan is about to freak. What is he supposed to do? Evan lays Connor gently on the bed and closes his eyes, massaging his temples. Relax. He knows how to do this. 

Taking off Connor’s hoodie for him, Evan places his hand on his wrist. Steady heartbeat. Good. He hesitates then shakes Connor, gently. Connor doesn’t wake up. Getting panicked, Evan shakes harder, but Connor stays limp.

Forcing his breathing to stay normal, Evan props Connor up against the headboard of his bed and dashes downstairs, filling up a glass of water. When he gets back to his room, Evan slowly tips the glass towards Connor’s already opened mouth, careful not to spill any water. 

Evan puts the glass on the bedside table when he is done. For one second, nothing happens. Then Connor suddenly starts coughing and lurches forward, water dribbling from his mouth down his chin. Relief floods Evan but he knows this is far from over. He rushes towards Connor and pats his back as wheezing sounds fill the room. 

When Connor somewhat regains a bit of control for his breathing, he lifts a trembling hand and wipes off the bile and water from his mouth. 

“Th— thank you…” Connor says shakily as he leans back against the headboard with his eyes closed.

“It’s fine. Just, um, stay here, okay? I’ll go get you more water.” Evan eyes the empty glass of water on the table.

Evan gets back to his room and sees that Connor has fallen asleep sitting up. Walking over, Evan wakes Connor up and gives him a glass of water, then sits down on the bed next to him. After a few moments, Evan notices Connor’s eyes drooping and grabs the glass as it slips out of Connor’s hand.

Connor’s eyes fly back open. “Shit. Sorry sorry sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just finish this and go to sleep. You need it. I’ll clean this up.” Evan gestures to the blanket and trash can while Connor quickly finishes the water.

Connor looks like he is going to protest but starts coughing, earning him a concerned look from Evan and all he can do is muster a small thank you. Evan nods and takes the trash can and blanket out.

When he comes back, Connor is asleep. Evan takes one last look at the sleeping boy and goes to do his homework.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan wakes up as he hears buzzing sounds from behind him. He lifts his head and realises he has fallen asleep doing his homework. 

“Did you sleep well?”

Evan turns around. Connor is sitting on the bed with a book. Evan can see that he has at least washed his face and fixed his hair.

“You could have woken me up, you know.”

“Yeah, but you looked really drained. You’re probably tired from dealing with my shit.”

Evan frowns. “Don’t say that.”

“What? It’s true.”

“So… um, are you feeling better?” Evan cringes right after he finished his question. “Sorry, that’s a stupid question, I’m really sorry, why did I—”

“No, no, I actually feel better.” A pause. “Thanks.”

Evan starts to say something but Connor’s phone buzzes again with yet another call from Miguel. They both turn towards it but make no movement to pick it up or silence it.

“So, uh, what… what did Miguel, um, what happened after… you shouldn’t tell me if you aren’t comfortable with it. Only if you want to. I’m not trying to push you or anything.”

Connor grips the blanket and swallows.

“Um, so he, he wanted to see… this,” Connor gestures at his arm. “But then I freaked out and I left, and we made up that day at the park. But I— uh, he… we got into a fight yesterday, and he said I just, um, that I just want attention, but that’s not true. And I got angry and I yelled and said I would kill myself and he wouldn’t even notice, then I just hung up on him and ran to the park until…” Connor says in one breath, particularly rushing his last sentence. He looks like he is going to cry again.

Evan looks over at Connor’s phone and his screen is still on with the phone call. “You know, you should…you should answer him. He probably didn’t mean that.”

Connor looks like he is considering it, but then he sighs and shakes his head. “I can’t, I just— I can’t.”

“Miguel’s probably terrified that you’re going to…” Evan doesn’t want to say the next part.

“I know, but just,” Connor takes a deep breath. “Not today. I really can’t. Please.”

“I— okay.” Evan glances up at the clock. Seven-thirty. “Do you maybe… want to get dinner?”

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan lifts his head from Connor’s shoulder as he hears the front door open. 

“Evan? You here? Is Connor staying too?”

“Yeah, we’re here!” Evan yells back down.

“Is Connor feeling better?” Evan looks over at Connor and raises his eyebrows questioningly. Connor just shrugs. Evan reaches for the thermometer on the bedside table, but before he can get it, his door swings open and Heidi stands at the doorway, taking in the pizza boxes, empty chip packages and soda cans just lying on the floor.

“Evan! Connor’s sick. You can’t just…” Heidi shakes her head and snatches the thermometer off the desk as she rushes in. 

“Mrs Hansen, er, Heidi, it’s not Evan’s fault, I, um, I wanted to eat it too.”

Heidi replies by shoving the thermometer into Connor’s ear. She takes it out after the tell-tale beep. “It’s getting better, but it’ll be better if you stay home from school tomorrow as well.”

“Yeah, okay, thanks.”

“No problem. Just, just don’t stay up too late. Evan has school tomorrow.” Heidi leaves and closes the door behind her gently.

Evan leans into Connor again as he starts up the movie again on the computer sitting on the bed. After a while, Evan can feel himself sliding out of focus and knows he is going to drift off soon.

“Evan?”

“Yeah?” Evan mumbles with his eyes closed.

“I’m really sorry.”

That wakes Evan up as he realises Connor stopped the movie. “For what?”

“When I ignored you.”

“It’s okay.” Evan sits up.

“No, it’s not, and I’m sorry. I told you… I said that I didn’t want anything to do with you, and I know how it feels to be… to not have anyone, and I’m just— I’m sorry. I was just scared, y’know, that, um, I was going to hurt you… if we become friends. I know that’s a shitty excuse and I’m so so so sorry. I know that doesn’t fix it, but I really am.”

“No, it’s actually okay. I understand. Don’t apologise.”

“You’re just super nice, but okay. What happened in AP Calc today? Did Mr Flores mess up big time again?”

Evan stares at Connor for a second, then realises he is spacing out again. “Wh— what? Sorry, sorry, I spaced out.” He digs his palms into his eyeballs until they start to hurt, all in an attempt to stay awake for Connor.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“No, it’s nothing, I’m just, like, really tired.”

“When did you sleep yesterday?”

Evan mumbles something that sounds like four-thirty to Connor.

“Jesus Christ, Evan. Why?”

“I just… I couldn’t. It’s probably the new anxiety medication.” Evan turns to see Connor looking at him with a concerned expression and adds hastily, “But it’s fine. It happened before. Nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah.” Evan puts his head on Connor’s shoulder again. He can feel Connor looking at him, before turning back to his computer and starting the movie. Evan tries to stay awake, he really does, but when the movie is ending and Connor shifts, he feels his head sliding down and he can’t do anything to stop it. Distantly, he hears Connor calling his name but he drifts off before he can reply.

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Les Miserables is coming to an end. Connor sniffles and subtly wipes away his tears despite having watched it at least ten times. He moves to untangle his legs from under the mattress and feels Evan’s head sliding down from his shoulder, to his chest, then to his lap. 

“Evan? Wh— “ Oh. He’s asleep. Connor frowns and looks at the clock. It is only nine-thirty. Evan must have been really tired. Connor makes a mental note to himself to talk to Evan about his insomnia tomorrow. He rubs his face and takes the medicine on his side of the bed, downing a glass of water at one go. He still has a slight headache, but it’s more of a dull ache than anything. Before he can do anything else, a knock sounds and the doorknob turns.

“Ev— oh…”

“He just fell asleep.” Connor smiles faintly at Heidi.

“Oh, um, okay then. Is… are you feeling better honey?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Heidi nods, seemingly satisfied, and is about to walk out of the room. But just before she reaches the doorway, she turns around, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Connor, can you… can we talk?” She gestures to the hallway.

“Um, I, sure.” Connor is confused, but he does as he is told. He carefully shifts and lifts Evan’s head from his lap and places it on the pillow. Evan stirs, moving his hand to clutch his blanket tightly, but doesn’t wake up. Connor walks slowly to the hallway, where Heidi is waiting for him.

“What, What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just…” Heidi gazes towards Evan’s direction affectionately. “Evan, he, um, his father left us when he was young. That’s when the anxiety started, I guess? We weren’t sure. But since he was small, Evan… he just had a hard time letting people in, but when he talks to you, well, for one his stutter is almost completely gone and I can see from his eyes that he feels safe with you. I’m not going to force you to do anything. I’m just asking, please, please, please don’t hurt my son. I know I haven’t been a good mum, but please, Evan hurting is the last thing I want to see after he’s gone through.”

“Of course. Ev’s such a great friend.” Whoops. There goes the nickname slip again. But Heidi doesn’t seem to notice. She takes Connor’s hands in hers. 

“Promise?” Heidi looks straight into Connor’s eyes, like she is searching for something.

“Promise.”

Heidi exhales and wraps her arms around Connor. “Thank you.” She whispers into his ear. Connor, taken aback, freezes for a few seconds before hesitantly hugging her back. This is nice. He doesn’t get enough hugs to begin with. 

When they finally pull away, Connor can see tears in Heidi’s eyes. He knows he shouldn’t say this, but Heidi has a right to know. 

“Heidi?”

“Yes honey?”

“Um, Evan kind of mentioned…um, he said he is having trouble sleeping? Like yesterday, he said he slept at four thirty, so I just, I wanted you to know…” 

“Thanks for telling me.” Heidi smiles at Connor and rubs his arm gently.

Connor walks back into the room and is clumsy enough to trip over the power extension unit on the floor. He swears, very loudly, causing such a ruckus that he wakes Evan.

“Huh? Connor? Wh—” Evan murmurs sleepily.

“Sorry Evan. I tripped over the socket thingy.”

“Why… why were you… why did you go out?” Evan looks like he is struggling to untangle himself from the web of sleepiness.

“Your mum was just— “ Connor stops himself just in time. “She was just checking on my temperature and shit. Evan, you look like you’re about to pass out. Go back to sleep.”

Evan doesn’t need Connor to say it twice. He falls back asleep within a second, his breathing steady and his mouth hanging open. Connor slides back under the blanket and looks over at Evan. He looks so much more peaceful when he’s asleep. When he’s awake, Evan’s anxiety overtakes him and it’s hard to find a moment where he isn’t furrowing his brows in worry or hyperventilating in a panic attack. But now, he looks like there’s not a worry in the world. 

Connor yawns. The sleepiness in his medicine is getting to him. He buries his body under the blanket and stares at Evan’s sleeping face. Everything that has happened today comes rushing back to him. But it doesn’t swallow him; he embraces it. At that moment, Connor makes a wish. A wish that time can stop so he can be in this moment, for forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk where im going with this but ye
> 
> hope u guys enjoyed it!!


	8. so big/so small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who’s M?”
> 
> Connor’s eyes fly open once again. “Wh— I, how... you, what—“
> 
> Zoe points at his phone which is sitting on the couch in between them. Its screen is on with a text message.
> 
> M:  
connor please
> 
> Snatching the phone off the couch, Connor slides it under him and sits on it. “It’s my pot dealer, fuck off.”
> 
> “M... it’s that Michelle girl, right? The one you were calling? That day when... you guys were arguing and—“ Zoe’s eyes go wide. “Connor Murphy are you fucking dating?”
> 
> Connor stares at Zoe and forces his face to stay expressionless. He won’t show her how close she is to the truth. “I’m gay, remember?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for everything again yay because i love writing sad stuff
> 
> me for the last few chapters: you idiot stop making ur chapters so long or else no ones gonna read them
> 
> no one:
> 
> literally no one:
> 
> me: spits out 3.5k this time 
> 
> SIKE

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Connor wakes up to bright light shining through the open window. He squints and turns to look at the clock. Nine. Hm. Wait, that means, did Evan—

Connor sits up. Yeah, he’s the only one in the room, which means that Evan’s at school. Sliding off the bed, Connor notices his computer and wallet on the bedside table. Zoe must have brought them over. He turns on his phone and shoves it into his pocket, staggering over to the bathroom and running his hand in his hair along the way. He looks at himself in the mirror. He definitely needs a shower, there’s no doubt about that. But before he can do that, his phone starts buzzing from all the undelivered messages from last night and this morning.

His heart aches at seeing Miguel still sending him messages, but he knows if he gives in now he’ll just break down. There are also a few messages from Evan, asking Connor if he’s feeling better and telling him to get whatever he wants to eat from the fridge if he’s hungry.

Then he scrolls down and he sees Zoe’s message from this morning.

Zoe:  
wtf did u do to evan he looks so tired and worn out but he said he’ll come to dinner

Connor is confused by the second part of the message for a moment but then he sees her messages from yesterday night.

Zoe:  
shit im so sorry   
i thought moms coming back tmr but it’s today  
she freaked when she realised u aren’t here and i had to tell her and now she wants evan over for dinner dad will be here too we’re fucked sorry

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Connor drops his phone and grabs at his hair, sliding down against the wall until he reaches the floor. He holds the sides of his head with his hands and tries to stay in control of his breathing. No, this isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. His mum’s vegetarian lasagna plus his dad’s yelling plus evan and his anxiety will be enough to make anyone freak out. But for now, Connor needs to think of ways to mentally prepare Evan for this trip to hell.

\------------ Evan’s pov ------------

Evan closes his locker door gently and puts his head against it. He jumps as someone taps him on the shoulder. Turning around, he sees Jared there with a huge grin on his face.

“Should I be the first to say congratulations?”

“Huh, for… for what?”

“Did I or did I not just see you get out of a car with Zoe Murphy?” Jared purposely drags out the last syllable. 

“Yeah, uh, yeah. What’s wrong with that?”

Jared’s jaw drops. “What’s wrong with that? Evan, what’s wrong with you? You have a crush on her, and now she’s driving you to school. Oh my god, my boy is growing up! Go get her, I say.”

“It’s…” Evan is too tired to do this with an over-enthusiastic Jared today. “It’s not like that, okay?”

“Oh yeah, then what is it like? First base? Second base?” 

Evan stares at Jared with a horrified expression. “Jared, wh— I, it’s…”

Jared’s eyes open wide. “Jesus Christ, was it a home run? God please tell me it is, I will actually—”

“Jared, Jared, please stop. It’s nothing like that. Connor is staying at my house sick so he told me to ask Zoe to drive me to school. See? Nothing in particular.”

“Ah, yes, Connor, how could I forget?” Jared looks down at the ground before saying, “What is it with you and the Murphys? Is it like your life-long wish to fuck them or something?”

“Oh my god, Jared! Just stop!” Evan yells and immediately regrets it. He has never raised his voice in front of Jared. Well, there has to be a first time for everything.

Jared seems momentarily speechless. He fumbles for a second. “What, I, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Can you leave, please? You don’t have to talk to me,” Evan says quietly, trying to keep his voice steady.

“What do you mean I don’t have to talk to you? I’m here on my own accord. I WANT to.”

“No, you don’t.” Evan feels anger bubbling inside him and forces it down again. “We’re family friends, remember? The car insurance? Or is that too insignificant for you to remember?”

Jared looks down at his feet for one second. “This has nothing to do with that. Can’t I just talk to my friend?”

“We’re not friends, Jared.”

“Come on…” Jared chuckles, squeezing Evan’s shoulder.

On another day, Evan might grit his teeth and tolerate Jared, but the white noise in his head today is unbearable. He pushes Jared’s hand off.

“Stop pretending.” Evan can’t get the anger out of his voice. “Maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, isn’t because of your so-called car insurance, but it’s because you don't have any other friends.”

Jared looks like a deer caught in the headlights. His mouth opens and closes for a few seconds, and then he settles for “Fuck you, Evan. Asshole” and immediately walks away.

Evan catches the look on Jared’s face before he can turn away from Evan, how the twinkle in his eye leaves and gets replaced by a hurt so deep Evan can’t describe. The anger inside Evan leaves him the second Jared does. Now all he is feeling is guilt, guilt, guilt. 

Throughout the day, Jared’s pained face stays with Evan as his head keeps on yelling at him. Who cares if Jared is only talking to him because of his car insurance? At least Jared talks to him. Now he has no one. Well, except Connor. But he’ll probably get sick of Evan soon too. He keeps on spacing out in class until his Literature teacher Mr Griffiths asks him if he wants to go to the nurse. Evan literally trips over himself in his haste to get out of the classroom.

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Hearing the front door open, Connor looks up from his computer where he is watching Netflix. “Evan, that you?” He yells, his voice slightly cracking. His voice is still hoarse from being sick. There are a few moments of silence before another voice pipes up that Connor decides is obviously not Evan’s. 

“Yeah, I’m here too. I’m driving you guys over. I don’t want to hear mum and dad fight over the mayonnaise or something before I absolutely have to.” 

Zoe. Well, won’t Evan be happy. He probably won’t even remember Connor is still here. Connor immediately forces himself to stop thinking like that. He already knows Evan likes Zoe, it’s not like it’s that big of a deal. It’s not like Connor likes Evan. Platonically, of course he does, but romantically— He doesn’t. He doesn’t. Does he? Connor bangs his head against his computer. Just because he has come out doesn’t mean he has to like every single boy he interacts with.

The door to Evan’s room opens and Evan comes in, his eyes trained to the floor, with Zoe trailing in from behind, looking slightly concerned. Connor needs to only glance at Evan’s face to know something is wrong. He has dark eyebags and there’s something missing from his eyes, though Connor can’t put a finger to what it is. They just look duller and… sadder.

“Hey.”

Evan’s eyes snap back up to meet Connor’s. “Oh, um, uh, h— hi…” 

“Zoe said you’re coming to dinner with us?” He tries to keep conversation going. 

“Y—yeah, I, um, I asked… asked my, uh, my mum, sh—she said it’s, um, that it’s fine…” Evan is still standing awkwardly at the doorway, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Connor can’t help but notice how much Evan is stuttering.

He walks over to Evan and taps his hand lightly. Evan flinches away. Connor tries to hide how hurt he is by that one move.

“Evan, you okay?”

“Yeah, why would, why would I not… I, I’m fine.” His eyes keep on darting to and back from Zoe, who is standing there listening to their conversation with apparent awkwardness.

Connor understands. “Zoe, can you wait for us downstairs on the couch?”

“Of course, yeah. Just come down when you’re ready.” Zoe looks relieved to flee the scene.

When he can’t hear Zoe’s footsteps anymore, Connor slowly reaches over to take Evan’s hand. This time, Evan jumps but he doesn’t pull away. Connor counts that as progress and squeezes Evan’s hand gently.

“Bad day?”

“No, um, I… yeah, kind of. It’s just, sorry… meds. Tired.”

Connor can tell that there is something Evan isn’t telling him, but he knows better than to call him out.

“You should sleep now. If you’re not feeling up to it, you don’t have to come to dinner. Mum will understand.”

“N—no, I can, uh, I can come,” Evan is staring at where Connor’s hand is touching his.

Hastily, Connor drops Evan’s hand and shoves it into his pocket. “There’s still two hours. Take a rest.”

“Okay, um, y— I guess…” Evan takes an uncertain step towards the bed but then stops when he doesn’t see Connor move.

Connor immediately snatches up his phone from the bedside table. “I’ll give you some privacy. Come down when u feel better, yeah?”

Evan nods half-heartedly and rubs his face, starting towards the bed again. Connor takes this to mean that he should leave and steps into the hallway, gently closing the door behind him. He has just reached the first floor when he realised that this is the first time he will be alone with Zoe when he is sober in god knows how many years. 

Zoe looks up from the couch when Connor comes down. “Hey.”

Connor nods in reply and hovers awkwardly, thinking about sitting down next to her before finally deciding against it and resigning to sitting on a nearby chair.

“Jesus Christ, I don’t have girl cooties. There’s plenty of space here.”

Turning red, Connor goes to sit on the couch. He has just leaned back with his eyes closed before Zoe’s voice breaks the silence.

“So… uh, what’s up?”

Connor’s eyes open. “God, Zoe, just because we have to coexist doesn’t mean we necessarily have to talk to each other.”

“Oh. Okay,” Zoe’s says in a significantly smaller voice that fills Connor with guilt. He squashes it down and closes his eyes again.

Connor has just started to drift off before—

“Who’s M?”

Connor’s eyes fly open once again. “Wh— I, how... you, what—“

Zoe points at his phone which is sitting on the couch in between them. Its screen is on with a text message.

M:  
connor please

Snatching the phone off the couch, Connor slides it under him and sits on it. “It’s my pot dealer, fuck off.”

“M... it’s that Michelle girl, right? The one you were calling? That day when... you guys were arguing and—“ Zoe’s eyes go wide. “Connor Murphy are you fucking dating?”

Connor stares at Zoe and forces his face to stay expressionless. He won’t show her how close she is to the truth. “I’m gay, remember?”

Zoe blinks. “Oh yeah... sorry. I, um, I forgot.” She whispers it.

He needs an excuse. Now. Before Zoe can connect any more dots.

“I’m going up to check on Evan.”

Slowly, Connor opens Evan’s door and steps gently into the room. Instantly Evan turns towards him with red eyes, probably from crying, and Connor freezes, having expected Evan to be sleeping. He fumbles with his words for one second before his eyes land on his computer sitting on the bedside table.

“Oh, hi, um... I just wanted to get my computer? I’m sorry if I’m bothering you...” Connor trails off as he realises Evan isn’t paying attention anymore. His eyes are glazed over like he is spacing out, fixed on a random spot on the wall.

“Uh, Evan... Evan?”

Evan startles and his eyes settle on Connor’s again. “S—sorry, I just... sorry, yeah?” Connor’s heart aches over Evan’s vulnerable voice, which sounds like it might break any second.

“You really should get some rest.”

“I know.” Evan shifts his gaze towards the ceiling and doesn’t close his eyes.

Connor sighs. He takes his computer and reaches for the doorknob before stopping, his hand falling back against his leg. “Do you... Evan?” He turns around.

“Yeah?”

“Do you... maybe wanna, I guess...” Connor inwardly cringes at how not smooth he can possibly get. “I can... I can stay? If you want? Like, if you don’t want to be alone, I can, y’know...”

“I—” Evan’s voice cracks and he clears his throat. “I’d like that,” he finishes in a whisper.

Connor nods and drags a chair from the table to the bed. He sits down and offers Evan a smile, before opening his laptop and flipping through random movie websites.

At some point, Evan turns his back towards Connor so Connor can’t tell if he’s sleeping or not. But whether or not he does, Evan bolts up, hands going to his hair when he hears a soft knock at the door.

Zoe peeks in timidly. “Mum said... she said we should go now? Dinner’s gonna be ready in five, she said, but we all know that means thirty.”

Connor looks over at Evan. He looks terrible. “You sure about going? You really don’t have to, our parents are a handful but mum will understand if you can’t come.”

“No, I... I can come. I’m fine.” Evan shakes his head and stands up. Connor can see that that line is meant for Evan to reassure himself more than anything else, so he doesn’t say anything.

\------------ time cut ------------

Cynthia opens the door with a huge smile plastered on her face. “Evan! Make yourself at home. I’m so happy to finally see you.”

Evan gives her a tired smile. “It’s good to see you too, Mrs Murphy.”

Connor sees his mum’s smile grow even bigger. Is that even possible? “Please, it’s Cynthia. Connor, can you please show our guest the way to the dining table? I need to deal with the mashed potatoes.” She turns and runs back to the kitchen.

“I think Evan knows how to walk, mum,” Connor yells to the back of her head.

“Manners,” she yells back.

They have just started dinner. Larry and Cynthia are already arguing and it’s getting louder and louder. Great. Just great. Connor flattens his potatoes in an attempt to release his frustration.

“Larry, can we please not do this in front of our guest?”

“Yes, Connor has a friend. Wow, surprise, surprise. Does that mean I have to drop everything in my life for it? God forbid, it’s actually normal for people to have friends, Cynthia. It won’t be long before Evan realises how disgustingly selfish Connor is and leave him. I won’t blame him. I would too.”

Rage rushes into Connor’s head. Distantly he hears Cynthia screaming something and he is about to yell too, but someone nudges his elbow first.

He looks up. “Wh—“ Zoe nods towards Evan with a worried expression and Connor turns.

Evan’s brows are furrowed and his hands are trembling nonstop under the table. He also seems to be slightly hyperventilating. Connor can literally see anxiety dripping from his face.

All of his anger leaves and gets replaced with worry and concern. Connor slides his chair back and stands up. “I don’t feel well. I’m going up.”

“No, young man, you are staying right here.”

Cynthia slaps her husband’s lap. “Larry you know he has been sick the past few days. He’s not faking and you know it.”

Connor pretends not to hear them. He taps Evan’s shoulder. “Come on Ev, we’re going up.”

“Oh, we... we are?”

Not bothered to reply, Connor starts up the stairs two at the time and he can hear Evan following him. He yanks the door open and lets Evan go in before entering himself, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Are you okay?” Evan says in a small voice.

“Huh?”

“You, uh, you said... you aren’t feeling well? Downstairs... um, that’s why you came up...?”

“Oh, that was just an excuse. I’m fine.” Connor flops onto his bed.

“Oh.” Evan is still standing awkwardly by the door. Connor pats the seat next to him and motions for Evan.

Cautiously, Evan sits down and slowly relaxes but his eyes are still flitting around the room.

“Do you want to stay here tonight? You can text your mum.”

“No, I— it’s okay. I’ll go home.” 

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“It’s fine... but thanks.”

“Uh, there’s no school tomorrow... it’s a Saturday. Um, I can come? If... if you want me to?”

“Y— you don’t have to…”

“No, I want to.”

“Oh, uh, sure... thank you.” Evan looks really uncomfortable but Connor doesn’t know why.

The door opens and Zoe stands at the doorway.

“There’s a reason I have a door, Zoe. It’s for people to knock on. Have you thought of that?”

“Mum told me to come and check on you. But I guess I don’t need to, since you’re perfectly fine and you’re just using it as an excuse to leave me alone with their arguing.” Zoe spits out that last sentence.

Evan looks like he doesn’t want to get caught up in a sibling crossfire. Connor notices and purposely changes the subject.

“Drive Evan home, will you? He isn’t feeling that well. If you don’t, I’ll just steal your car and we both know what the better choice is.”

“You don’t have a license.”

“That won’t stop me.”

Zoe flips him off. “Come on Evan.” She glares at Connor as she purposely closes the door with more force than needed.

Connor throws off his act as soon as the door shuts. He closes his eyes and throws his pillow across the room in helplessness. He knows he should be there for Evan. There’s obviously something wrong. But he has no fucking clue how to help. Every time he thinks of something to say, it sounds so stupid in his head and he just chickens out.

Connor lays there in self-deprecation for seconds? Minutes? Then he hears a knock and he turns in a way so that his back faces the door, feigning sleep as the door opens.

“Connor.” It’s a gruff voice. Larry.

What is he doing here? Never mind, Connor just has to pretend he’s asleep and Larry will leave soon enough.

After moments of silence, Connor is positive Larry is going to leave, when suddenly he feels Larry’s hand on his forehead. Tensing, Connor musters up all his self-control to not wince and to keep his face slack while he is screaming internally.

Agonising seconds pass and Larry withdraws his hand. Connor listens to his footsteps fade and the door closing once again. He sits up, wild-eyed. What has just happened? 

Once when Connor was five he had a cold and he was crying because of a headache or something. Larry had yelled at him for it because he told Connor he has to man up, which resulted in a really bad fight between his parents that they have not talked about since. After that time, every time Connor has fallen sick Larry has pretended to not know or to not care.

Connor shakes himself out of his thoughts, deciding not to overthink it. Larry is probably just making sure that Connor isn’t dying.

His phone buzzes. Connor reaches over to check what it is.

Evan:  
Sorry!!   
I’m so sorry but please you don’t have to come tomorrow.

Connor frowns and immediately texts back.

You:  
is everything ok

Evan:  
Yeah, I just have stuff.  
With my mum.  
I’m really sorry.

You:  
its fine honestly dont apologise   
see you monday then?

Evan reads it but doesn’t reply. Connor bites his lips. Evan’s probably just tired, but Connor can’t shake away the feeling that there’s something else. After making up his mind to ask Evan about it tomorrow, Connor resigns to just laying in bed and staring at the ceiling until he slowly drifts off, all the time feeling just so small in a world so big.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> legit just going with the flow guys so suggestions are very much needed and welcome dankeschön
> 
> sorry for boring yall to death i promise i will try to get better;)


	9. truck in the driveway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re okay. See? They’re gone, I’m here.” Connor rubs Evan’s back slowly in circles.
> 
> “Imsorrysosorryimsorrysorry…” Evan’s eyes are drooping but he is fighting as hard as he can to keep them open.
> 
> “Shh, breathe with me, okay?”
> 
> “I let go. I, I let go, I’m sorry,” This time it is barely a mumble, barely a whisper.
> 
> “Wh—? Never mind, it doesn’t matter now. You’re okay, yeah? I’m here.” Connor is starting to struggle with holding Evan up. He grunts as Evan lurches forward, coughing up phlegm.
> 
> “I let go, I let go… Connor, I—” Evan stops abruptly as he closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh, going limp in Connor’s hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for suicide attempt panic attack drugs anxiety yeah its just a sad sad chapter basically
> 
> this chapter is dedicated to our best friend ben platt its his birthday today i repeat mr benjamin schiff platt is turning 26 today whoop whoop i love you so much ty for existing can't wait for the politician to come out tmr

You:  
ik stuff is overwhelming for u now but im here if u need me k im ready whenever u r

Connor bites his lips as he presses send. He holds his breath as he sees the ticks turn blue, and then the three dots wiggling as a response is being formed.

Then the dots leave and Connor exhales, throwing his phone back onto his bedside table while he slumps into his chair.

It’s Sunday and Connor has been texting Evan nonstop for the past two days. He’s been checking his phone basically every minute but never has there been any messages back.

\------------ time cut ------------

“Connor Lawrence Murphy you will not be giving me this attitude.”

Connor barely notices the glass of milk tipping over and spilling over his jeans amidst his anger. “Fuck you! You never cared about me, why start now?”

“Young man, you will mind your language, or else— where do you think you’re going?”

Already stomping up the stairs with as much force as he can muster, Connor doesn’t bother coming up with a reply. Today is exhausting enough. First, he wakes up with a white noise buzzing in his head, feeling really spaced out, then the thing with Evan, now this. He can’t cope with this anymore.

Connor flops onto his bed face-first with a groan and covers his head with a pillow. His phone suddenly starts buzzing vigorously. Ignoring this, he continues laying there until the buzzing stops. Silence. Then the silence gets punctured by one long buzz.

In annoyance, Connor lifts his face from the mattress and digs into his pocket for his phone. Taking it out, he turns it on and squints to read it. Connor almost falls flat on his face in shock.

Missed Call  
Evan

Evan:  
I’m soryr

Connor immediately goes back to call Evan but he doesn’t pick up.

Shit. That doesn’t sound good. What is Evan apologising for, exactly? There’s nothing he did wrong, unless… Unless—

In his haste, Connor trips over himself trying to get out of his room. He steadies himself and forces his hyperventilating down as he bangs on Zoe’s locked door.

Zoe opens the door and raises her eyebrows when she sees Connor. “What.”

“Can I— I need your car... I, please,” Connor says between gasps and wheezes.

“Uh, chill there for a bit, bro. You know you can’t drive your licence got taken away. Plus my car? Smelling of weed? Ha, no thanks.” Zoe is about to close her door.

Connor desperately keeps it open with his leg. “Zoe, please... It’s not, not for weed, I— Evan, he... I don’t know, but he might—“

Zoe stops trying to force her door close the second she hears Evan’s name. With eyes wide, she runs over to her drawer and withdraws her car keys. Connor holds his hand out, expecting Zoe to give the keys to him, but instead she holds it even closer to her chest as she shoves past him.

“Nope. Still not letting you drive. I’m coming with you.”

\------------ time cut ------------

“Here?” Zoe turns into the driveway of supposedly what is Evan’s house.

“Yeah.”

Zoe kills the engine and Connor wastes no time in getting out of the car, sprinting to the front door and ringing the doorbell.

Heidi opens the door. Her hair is disheveled and to Connor, she looks really tired like she could have been crying but he shakes it off, thinking that he might just be seeing stuff.

Heidi stares at Connor blankly for one second before she pulls herself together and gives him an unsure smile. “Oh. Hi, honey. I, uh, I didn’t know… Evan didn’t say you’re coming over today?”

“No, I just came. Um, I didn’t tell Evan. Sorry.” Connor grimaces as he realises he could just have asked Heidi to check on Evan. He has had her phone number ever since that time Evan fell from the tree. But it’s too late now. “Is Evan… he just seemed really down on Friday, so… I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure he’s okay.” He bites back ‘I think your son might be trying to commit suicide.’ Heidi doesn’t need to know that. At least not yet.

Heidi’s face softens. “Aw, that’s so sweet of you. Thank you.” She beckons for Connor to come into the house and shuts the door. The second the door closes, her entire posture sags and she rubs her eyes in exhaustion. “It’s not really my place to say… Evan’s just— he needs time to cope with it. I’m trying my best, but…” Heidi looks towards the direction of Evan’s room and sighs.

In his head, Connor is screaming. Coping with what? Evan can be hurting himself right now and Connor's right here in the house but he can’t stop it. “Can I go up? To, uh, see if he’s okay?”

At Heidi’s nod, Connor doesn’t waste one second and rushes up the stairs, hand going into his pocket for the hairpin he put in there earlier at his house. Evan’s door is locked, with no surprise. Connor picks the lock as fast as he can with trembling fingers and finally hears the satisfying click. He wrenches the door open and his eyes land on Evan sitting on his bed, who is desperately gasping for breath as tears run down his face. Connor shifts his gaze to Evan’s outstretched palm, and his heart stops upon seeing more pills than he can count.

Evan locks his eyes onto Connor’s as shock slowly runs through his face.

“Evan,” Connor whispers. He doesn’t know what to say.

At Connor’s voice, as if he finally realises what he is going to do, Evan’s hands shake and all of the pills spill onto the bed. Racking sobs echo in the small room as Evan buries his face into his hands and pulls his legs towards himself, like he is trying to make himself disappear. At the first sob, Connor yanks his legs from where they have got numb at the doorway and runs towards Evan, enveloping him in a tight hug. Nothing else matters now. 

“I— ImsorryImsorrysorrysorry…” Evan mumbles in between sobs. 

“Shh, it’s— I’m here. I’m here. It’s gonna be okay.”

“I can’t… they, they won’t l— leave!” Evan chokes out the last word and his body heaves with sobs.

“Wh— who won’t leave?”

Evan’s eyes are wild as they take in the pills on the bed. “Them. They, they’re killing me…” He wrestles out of Connor’s grip and snatches up one of the pills and hits it against the headboard of his bed. “I— It won’t break… make them, make them go a— away…”

Connor manages to grab hold of Evan’s hand again. “Hey. Hey—”

“What— Evan…what, what’s happening to him?” Connor turns to see Heidi with a horrified expression on her face.

Connor tries his best to stay calm as he wrestles Evan’s hands from the pills over and over again. “Hallucination. Can you… can you take the pills away? So he doesn’t see th—” Connor gets cut off as Evan’s hand flies to one of the pills again. 

From the corner of his eye, Connor can see Heidi starting to pick up the pills with shaking hands and tries to turn Evan to direct his attention elsewhere. At this point Evan starts to cry hysterically and nothing Connor is doing is helping at all.

“See? They’re gone. The pills. They can’t hurt you anymore, okay?” Connor says coaxingly once Heidi finished retrieving all the pills and leaves the room, probably to flush them away or something.

Evan responds with more sobs. “They come back… make, make them leave, p— please…” He struggles to get up but Connor forces him back down. Evan gags and chokes before retching, but nothing comes out.

Heidi comes back, wringing her hands. Connor shakes his head. He’s all out of ideas. She stands there for a second, then her eyes shoot up and she disappears from the room. Minutes passed and Evan seems to be fighting for oxygen. Connor tries to get him to breathe but to no avail. Suddenly, Connor hears footsteps get louder and Heidi runs in once again, this time holding a syringe in one hand and an antiseptic wipe in another.

Connor scoots over for her. He doesn’t know what Heidi wants to do, but what he does know is that she’s a nurse. She probably knows what she’s doing. Heidi wipes Evan’s arm with the wipe and prepares to inject him with whatever is in that syringe. However, the second Evan sees the syringe he yells and twists away violently, breaking into more sobs again. Connor grabs him and tries his best to keep Evan still until at last, Heidi gets the syringe in and she falls back in relief. 

Connor looks on with wide eyes. He has no idea what is supposed to happen. At first, nothing happens. But slowly and surely, Evan seems to be struggling not as fervorously and Connor carefully starts to loosen his tight grip on Evan’s hands.

Evan reaches out for an imaginary pill on the bed again and Connor gently pushes his hand away. This time the hand falls limply back to Evan’s side.

“You’re okay. See? They’re gone, I’m here.” Connor rubs Evan’s back slowly in circles.

“Imsorrysosorryimsorrysorry…” Evan’s eyes are drooping but he is fighting as hard as he can to keep them open.

“Shh, breathe with me, okay?”

“I let go. I, I let go, I’m sorry,” This time it is barely a mumble, barely a whisper.

“Wh—? Never mind, it doesn’t matter now. You’re okay, yeah? I’m here.” Connor is starting to struggle with holding Evan up. He grunts as Evan lurches forward, coughing up phlegm.

“I let go, I let go… Connor, I—” Evan stops abruptly as he closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh, going limp in Connor’s hands.

Connor looks up, alarmed. Did Evan faint, or—

“No, it’s fine. I sedated him… to numb, uh, numb his brain.”

“Oh. Um…” Connor lays Evan down onto the bed and wipes his hands onto his jeans before going over to sit on Evan’s chair. “Do I… I can stay here? In case he wakes up, uh, I can…”

Heidi smiles sadly. “I think he just needs some time alone.” Her smile disappears. “When I came… the pills, um, did Evan… did he, was he trying to…”

“I think so.” Connor can’t meet Heidi’s eyes and trains his eyes on his nails. The polish is chipped badly. Hm. He should really apply another coating soon.

Heidi sighs and leans back in her chair. “I didn't know.” 

“I don’t think Evan wanted anyone to.”

“No, that's not what I... I didn't know that he... that he was... hurting. Like that. That he felt so... I didn't know. How did I not know? He could, he could have…”

Connor decides to stay silent.

“That day… Friday. That morning, Evan, he overheard me on the phone with his dad… because he’s coming to New York for work and I tried to get him to visit but…” Heidi shakes her head. “Evan thought it’s his fault. That his dad refused to visit. I told him it’s not, but he always said, if he doesn’t have anxiety, his dad might never have…”

“I’m sorry.” Connor has nothing else to say.

“Then that night, after you guys had him over for dinner, he came back… and I forced Mark to come. Evan was so happy for one second… then he, Mark, he started calling Evan out for his anxiety, and he called Evan… he called him a couple of loose screws…” Heidi’s chin wobbles and tears look like they are threatening to spill out. “I kicked him out, but Evan, he heard everything. He hasn’t left his room since… I thought, I thought he just needed some time.”

Connor opens his mouth and, upon realising he doesn’t know what to say, closes it again. His phone rings and he hastily takes it out. Zoe.

“Hello?”

“Is Evan okay?”

“Ye— No, not right now, but… hopefully he will be.” Connor steals a glance towards the sleeping boy.

“Are you staying, or, um, ‘cause it’s kinda getting late, and…”

“Um…” Connor turns to Heidi, who he’s sure can hear the conversation.

“You should leave, honey. I don’t want to bother you any more than I already have. I’ll, uh, I’ll take off work tomorrow just, just in case he…” 

Connor nods numbly and says to the phone, “I’m coming. Give me five minutes.”

A few minutes later, Connor waves a tired goodbye to Heidi and slides into the car. Zoe is looking at him with a concerned expression. “Is… are you o—”

“Yes. Just drive,” Connor snaps. He really isn’t in the mood to deal with small talk. Zoe gives him one last worried glance, then starts the car up again.

When they get back to the house, Cynthia is waiting for them. “What were you guys thinking? Leaving without permission? And at night too! Especially you, Connor…” Connor walks past her and stomps up the stairs.

“Connor, come back here! I was scared—” 

Connor doesn’t. Tears are pricking his eyes and he just wants to get away from everyone as soon as possible. He can hear Zoe talking to his mum and them saying his name a few times. Of course they are talking about him again. But Cynthia doesn’t call for Connor again and in some part of his mind, Connor is grateful Zoe is helping to back him up.

Slamming his door shut, Connor leans against the door and slides down, screwing his face up to stop himself from crying. He feels so… helpless. Like nothing he will ever do would help. Like nobody would realise that he actually… that he actually cares. Is this how his mum feels taking care of him? His therapist? Maybe even, even his dad? It’s all because of him, it’s all his fault. Connor can feel himself spiraling and grabs at the carpet to ground himself, taking deep breaths at the same time. He pushes his negative thoughts out of his head. Maybe Connor just can’t be saved. It’s just too late. Well, if he can’t save himself, at least he’ll find a way to save Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my heart it hurts too 
> 
> sorry for making them all so depressed idk where im going
> 
> suggestions plz


	10. he's come to get me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can I hug you?” Connor asks softly. “Would that be okay?”
> 
> “Y—yeah, I… p— please, ” Evan chokes out.
> 
> Connor pulls Evan’s shaking form into his arms and let Evan fall into him. He can feel sobs racking the boy’s body and tears sinking into his own shirt. He tightens his grip.
> 
> “I got you,” Connor whispers into Evan’s hair. What he would pay to see Evan be happy right now. “I got you, Ev.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for everything again yay
> 
> unrelated but OMG FREAKING OUT RIGHT HERE THE POLITICIAN IS SOOO SOOO GOOD BEN PLATT ASJDHSJKDHKAJSHD ANYONE WHO HAS WATCHED IT HMU IN COMMENTS OR SOMETHING PLEASE IM SCREAMING

Connor stalks through the corridor with his head down. There are way too many people and too little space. Already, Connor can feel pins pricking his skin while a constant white noise fills his head. He blindly shoves open the door to the library and staggers inside, slumping onto a beanbag, aware of his racing heart and clammy hands.

He gets through the first double period just fine. It is AP Literature and naturally Evan isn’t there. Connor doesn’t expect him to be, what with what happened yesterday, but he still felt a pang of disappointment when he sees the unoccupied seat. Connor mainly spaces out during Literature. He got a 94 on the last test without revising for it at all. No one has to know that though; he told Larry he got a 37 just to spite him.

However, the white noise in his head gets louder as the day goes on and Connor ditches Chemistry and Calculus smoke weed. Kind of feeling guilty because he is trying to quit drugs, Connor stops after a few minutes and just takes a walk to clear his head instead.

\------------ time cut ------------

“Hey Murphy!” 

Connor inwardly groans. It’s lunch period, and all he is trying to do is sneak past the cafeteria without anyone talking to him. Is that too much to ask for? 

He clenches his fists and turns around to Jared’s stupid grin. “Kleinman.”

“Hello to you too.” Jared gives a funny little wave.

“Fuck off.”

“Oof. I’m hurt. We’re buddies, you and I, right?”

“No. Goodbye.” Connor turns to leave, but something tugs on his bag before he can. He looks down, sees Jared’s hand there and pries it off, preparing to leave again.

“Okay, fine. I won’t joke around. But Connor, please…”

Connor stops moving. He won’t turn around, at least not yet. But he does want to hear what Jared has to say. It’s not usual to hear the words ‘I won’t joke around’ coming out of the mouth of someone like Jared. 

“What,” Connor says through his gritted teeth.

“Uh, Evan… do you know where he is?”

Connor turns back around and glares at Jared. It’s not like him to ask, unless he did something. If Kleinman did something to Evan, Connor will actually—

Jared sees the look on Connor’s face and hastily adds, “Oh, um, I was just asking, y’know. It’s not anything particular. See, it’s ‘cause me and Evan— whoop, Evan and I, sorry AP Lit nerd, anyways we’re cool friends, right? Me and Evan. Evan and I. I’m just worrying for my fri— jesus, take it easy there!”

Connor has grabbed Jared by the shirt and has forced him against one of the lockers. “What did you do to him?”

“Wh— what do you mean?” Jared chuckles nervously and eyes Connor’s balled fist. “I didn’t do anything. Why, uh, why would I?”

Connor pushes him harder against the locker. “What. Did. You. Do.”

“I— it wasn’t anything bad, I swear! I was just asking him like, whether he, oh shit, um, whether or not he… ifhelikedtofuckmurphysand, uh, then he started yelling at me so, um, I kinda said fuck you, uh, to him. Andalsoasshole.” Jared looks up breathlessly and catches Connor’s anger rising. “I didn’t— I was just fooling around at first. We always do that! But he was in a bad mood, I guess, so he started saying shit about me to me, like to my face, like how I have no friends and stuff, and I just, I got angry, okay? Just because he has anxiety doesn’t mean, uh, that he can say bad things to everyone else while everyone has to tread carefully around him. Life, it… it just doesn’t work this way.”

Connor knows Jared didn’t mean it, but he still hurt Evan. A lot, probably. “Well, maybe if you’re such a great friend to Evan, maybe, just maybe you would know why he’s in that bad mood you claim he is in. Or maybe, you would have noticed that he looked upset before you ask him if he wanted to bed Zoe.” Nevertheless, Connor loosens his grip on Jared and steps back to let him leave. 

But at this point, Jared doesn’t seem to be wanting to leave anytime soon. “You, uh, you know about Evan… how he likes, um, Zoe?”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Oh, well, um, okay, that’s… that’s a surprise. Wait, wh— why was Evan… you said, um, so why did he look so tired?”

Connor swears at himself. “Never mind, I, uh, I shouldn’t have let that slipped. Don’t worry about it.” He tries to weave past Jared to leave.

Jared blocks him from leaving. “Wait, what happened?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Connor says forcefully, emphasising every word. 

“Can you… just tell him, if you see him, ‘cause he’s not replying to my texts, so. Tell him I’m sorry, okay? I really am. Just… yeah, that.”

Connor nods and before Jared can react, brushes past him, turns the corner and slips out of sight.

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor slams the door shut as he ducks into Zoe’s car. The bang makes Zoe wince and as it echoes in the car Connor pretends not to notice Zoe staring at him even after she has started the car. Until he can’t help himself.

“Yes, continue staring. Did mommy and daddy not tell you that it’s rude to stare?” Connor’s voice almost cracks but he catches himself just in time.

“You, uh, Connor, you…” Zoe struggles with her words. “Y— you know if you need to talk… if you ever feel, uh, y’know, you do know you can… I’m here for you, right?” 

Connor looks up, surprised. He can feel his tears coming and he tries his best to force them back down. “Oh, uh, yeah, thanks, Zo,” He whispers, before he realises he has used Zoe’s nickname, the one he gave her way back when they were still talking. When they were best friends. That does it. 

Tears spill from the edge of his eyes and Connor puts his face into his hands. Fuck. No. He can’t cry in front of Zoe. No. The more Connor tries to force himself to stop crying, the faster the tears start to fall. He quickly wipes them away but they just keep on coming.

Distantly, Connor hears Zoe open the passenger seat door next to him. He doesn’t remember her pulling over, but oh well.

“Shit. Connor, it’s... Connor, I’m here, okay?” Before Connor can do anything, Zoe wraps her arms around him.

This is when Connor breaks down. He lets out loud sobs he’s been holding in since god knows when and through his tears Connor can vaguely see Zoe’s worried but helpless expression, her eyes wide. He doesn’t blame her. Zoe has never seen Connor cry since... fourth grade? Maybe even earlier.

He buries his face into Zoe’s shoulder. “I’m so... Zoe, I, I’m so sorry...” Connor breaks into more sobs.

“Uh, shit. I don’t know how to do this. Do you...?” Keeping one hand around Connor, Zoe reaches out with her other and tousles Connor’s hair. “Oh, fuck, it’s so soft. No offense, but I thought, like after so long, it’ll be... I don’t know, like greasy or something.”

Connor half-laughs and half-cries into Zoe’s shoulder through his tears. Eventually, Connor’s sobs turn into snivels and he pulls away from Zoe, face flushed red.

“I, um, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… you shouldn’t have to, y’know, deal with me, and, uh, deal with this mess.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad… Imgladigettobehereforyou,” Zoe says in one breath and looks at Connor with apprehensive eyes, as if she is scared Connor is going to lash out.

“I’m glad too.” A beat. “Thank you, Zo.”

For one second, Connor thinks that Zoe is going to cry too, but she puts on a small smile and goes back to the driver’s seat, subtly wiping her eyes.

They sit in silence as Zoe weaves through traffic and stops at a traffic light. Connor recognizes this crossroad. It’s near Evan’s house. That reminds him—

“Oh, um, can you drop me off at Evan’s place?”

“Sure.” Zoe doesn’t question it. She knows where the line is. Connor should be thankful for her more.

Zoe pulls into Evan’s driveway. “Text me and I’ll come and pick you up.”

Connor nods and looks back as the car speeds away. He tears his eyes from the road and faces the door of Evan’s house. Bracing himself, he raises his hand. One knock. Two knocks. 

No one comes for a minute. Connor is about to take out his phone to text Heidi when the door is pulled open and she is there. Connor can’t help but see dark bags under her eyes. Her eyes look red. She might have been crying. They stare at each other for a moment, before Heidi makes an attempt to smile, but it ends up looking like a grimace.

“Is he okay?” Connor asks stupidly. Anything to break the silence.

Heidi sighs and looks down, her chin wobbling. “He just… he woke up just now, but…” She swipes at her eyes and moves back to let Connor in, gesturing to Evan’s room. Connor does, cautiously, and starts up the stairs.

Evan’s door is left slightly ajar. Connor pushes it gently and hesitantly walks in. Evan is lying on his bed, back facing the door. He slowly sits up when he hears Connor come in.

Evan’s eyes are red like his mum’s, and tears are spilling down his face onto his clothes, his hands, the bed. He pulls his legs towards himself and places his head on his knees, shoulders trembling violently. Connor’s heart breaks into a million pieces. He rushes over and carefully touches Evan’s shoulder, remembering how Evan has flinched the last time Connor has tried to touch him.

“Can I hug you?” Connor asks softly. “Would that be okay?”

“Y—yeah, I… p— please, ” Evan chokes out.

Connor pulls Evan’s shaking form into his arms and lets Evan fall into him. He can feel sobs racking the boy’s body and tears sinking into his own shirt. He tightens his grip.

“I got you,” Connor whispers into Evan’s hair. What he would pay to see Evan be happy right now. “I got you, Ev.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for making it so short lol
> 
> kind of hitting a block so idk whats gonna come next
> 
> just a heads up really sorry but its test season yEs already sue my school so ye not gonna update as frequently soz
> 
> hope u guys like it so far please like and comment<3


	11. falling in a forest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I let go, I th— I let go, I thought no one, that no one would notice… if I just… leave. I’m sorry, I let go, I let go, I let go…” Evan tries to pull away from Connor but Connor doesn’t let him.
> 
> “Hey, I don’t really… I don’t understand. What do you mean…?”
> 
> “I— I told you I, that I fell… and my arm, it b— broke…”
> 
> “Yeah, I know that, but what—” Connor’s eyes widen. “Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for suicide attempt anxiety and ye
> 
> also unrelated but: anybody else thinks the plots for deh and politician episode 1 to be insanely similar when u think about it

Connor doesn’t know how long they stay that way. His arms hooked around Evan’s shoulders, and Evan’s quaking frame, so fragile, so vulnerable. All he knows is that Evan has cried until his tear ducts are dry and now is just curled up, head against Connor’s chest, eyes squeezed shut, silent except for the occasional gasp or sniffle.

Connor stays as still as he can, not wanting to disturb Evan before he is ready. Eventually, Evan rubs his eyes and grimaces slightly as he pulls away, sitting up and looking anywhere but at Connor.

“H— hey, Evan, hey.”

Evan starts picking at his blanket, staring pointedly at his bed and his bed only.

“Ev, hey, it’s okay. Can you look at me?”

Evan does. Connor’s eyes almost involuntarily widen but he puts it off by blinking a few times. Evan's face is red and blotchy, his eyes are bloodshot and his eyelashes are brimmed with tears.

Taking Evan’s hand, Connor slowly squeezes it and then starts rubbing his thumb left and right on the back of it. He tries to give Evan what he would consider a reassuring smile, but Evan inhales shakily and starts shaking his head.

“What’s wrong?”

“I… Connor, I t— tried…” The tears are coming again. “I’m sorry…”

“Hey, wh—”

“I— I tried to kill myself,” Evan says in one breath. He tries to say something else but fresh sobs stop him from doing so.

“I know, I know, but I’m here, okay? I’m here for you, you know that?”

Evan vigorously shakes his head and stutters out, “N— no, not… not that, not last night” and abruptly starts muttering apologies over and over again.

Connor is getting worried. He has no idea what Evan means. “Eva—”

“I let go, I th— I let go, I thought no one, that no one would notice… if I just… leave. I’m sorry, I let go, I let go, I let go…” Evan tries to pull away from Connor but Connor doesn’t let him.

“Hey, I don’t really… I don’t understand. What do you mean…?”

“I— I told you I, that I fell… and my arm, it b— broke…”

“Yeah, I know that, but what—” Connor’s eyes widen. “Oh.” He looks at Evan and realises that his eyes are filled with deep dejection. Connor’s heart breaks once more and he reaches out for a hug again. 

Tentatively, Evan lets Connor wrap his arms around him and buries his face in Connor’s chest, shoulders trembling. Before long, Connor notices that Evan’s breathing has slowed down considerably and sneaks a peek at his face. His eyes are closed and his mouth is opened slightly. Connor can’t help but smile at how peaceful Evan looks and wishes it can be that way for eternity.

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor has visited Evan every day after school the entire week, four on the dot, never late. Every day, Evan fidgets a little less, smiles a little more. It’s not much, but seeing Evan get a little better every day is mainly what motivates Connor. 

It’s Sunday today, and he’s holding a tupperware box full of homemade pasta that his mum has forced him to bring to Evan’s place. Flipping Zoe off, Connor slams the car door and walks up the steps upon hearing Zoe speed off immediately. There seems to be a silent unison where they agree to pretend Connor hasn’t cried in the car that last time and that they still hate each other. Connor doesn’t know if Zoe’s pretending, because truth is, he knows how horrible he has been to her in the past. He won’t blame her. But he is. He is pretending. There’s nothing more that he wants than to fix things with Zoe, but he knows it’s not that simple.

Shaking himself from his depressing spiral into nothingness, Connor knocks on the door. The first thing he realises is that the ‘to be fixed’ sign in front of the doorbell is gone. Connor bites back a grin and presses his finger to the doorbell and holds it there for a few seconds. The bell is so soft Connor is convinced that if he hasn’t been expecting the sound he wouldn’t have heard it. Heidi opens the door almost immediately. 

“Oh, hi sweetie! You’re early today.”

“Uh…” Connor glances at his watch. Three-thirty. “I guess. Mum kicked me out because she wanted me to give you guys this and she said it will go cold. Take my advice, just don’t eat it,” Connor says, shoving the tupperware box towards Heidi.

Heidi grins. “Say thanks to her for me. By the way, Evan’s catching up on some sleep since he got new meds, but feel free to wake him up.”

After nodding and promising to help Heidi force Evan to drink more water, Connor climbs up the stairs and opens Evan’s door slowly. Evan’s entire body is under the blanket and his face in his pillow. Walking over, Connor reaches out a hand to pat him. 

But before Connor can do that, Evan’s head swivels around and he smirks. “Boo.”

“Gah!” Connor jumps back. “Jesus, Evan, you scared me. Your mum said you were asleep. Or did you just fake it so you don’t have to do your homework or something?”

Evan yawns and rubs at his face, sitting up as he does so. “I was actually sleeping, but— ” He then turns to glare at Connor. “You’re like, a really loud walker.”

Laughing, Connor sits on the edge of Evan’s bed. “So, you ready for school tomorrow?”

Evan groans and flops back onto the bed, face first in his pillow. “Don’t remind me,” he says, voice muffled by the pillow.

Connor sighs and snatches at Evan’s pillow. And succeeds.

“Hey! Give it back!” 

“Never.” Connor grins and holds the pillow behind his back. He forces a straight face. “But seriously, Ev, you have to go to school tomorrow.”

“You would have thought a parent would let their kid stay home longer after he tried to kill himself.”

It takes Connor a second before he realises Evan is joking. He frowns. “Don’t say that, please.”

“I, I’m sorry,” Evan mumbles, memories rushing back to him all at once.

“Hey.” Connor taps Evan’s leg, desperate to change the subject. “Don’t apologise. Let’s go watch something.”

\------------ time cut ------------

The Politician has been playing on the TV for about an hour and Connor’s eyes are glued onto the screen. He senses tiny movements next to him and turns. Evan’s eyes are half-open and he doesn’t seem to be staring at anything in particular, but he is leaning forward with every second. Connor nudges him and he bolts up, eyes snapping open and looks around wildly.

“Wh— what’s happening?”

“How the fuck do you sleep so much and still get tired?”

Evan laughs softly. “Oh, uh, a— after I told Dr Sherman I can’t sleep with, um, with my meds before, she gave me new ones. And they cause drowsiness? I think? S— so now all I have to do is, um, is to catch up with the last five years of sleep.”

“That’s great. Seriously. I’m glad you feel better.” 

Evan looks up at Connor and his eyes soften. “Thanks.”

Connor shifts a bit. “Here, if you’re tired, you can use me as a pillow. I don’t mind.”

“N— nonono, I can’t. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Buuuuullshit,” Connor sings.

Sticking his tongue out at Connor, Evan shifts as well, head leaning against Connor’s shoulder. After a few minutes, Connor glances at Evan. He isn’t fully awake, but he isn’t exactly asleep yet. Evan notices Connor looking at him and pulls a funny face, causing them both to burst out laughing.

\----------- time cut ------------

Heidi coughs to let the boys know of her arrival. Connor turns around. 

“Food’s on the kitchen table. Feel free to come and get some.”

“I’m not hungry. It’s not even five.” Evan mutters without lifting his head from Connor’s shoulder.

Connor can sense Heidi struggling to find a perfect response. “You can come when you’re hungry, okay? It doesn’t have to be now.” She leaves.

Connor kind of feels bad for her. “You know she wants what’s best for you, right? You don’t have to be so harsh to her.”

Evan closes his eyes and sighs. “I know, but… it’s hard sometimes. S— sometimes I feel like, like she doesn’t even care. I know that’s not true, because, uh, she’s working every day for me, but sometimes I just… I want her to actually be here. I, um, I know that makes me a shit person, but I don’t care, which makes me selfish and a shittier person, and— ” 

Connor cuts him off before he can spiral any longer. “You’re not a shit person. It’s understandable why you want her here. Just because you do doesn’t mean you’re selfish.”

“I guess…” Evan starts to mumble. He’s probably falling asleep again. “I… I don’t know, maybe… like probably, but I really… wait what was I talking about, I—”

“Evan, you’re falling asleep. Just shut up and fucking go to sleep.” 

Evan opens his eyes blearily and smiles up at Connor before he exhales and goes limp, his head rolling down to Connor’s chest and the ghost of his smile still evident on his face. Connor feels himself matching it with a grin, and not wanting to disturb Evan’s sleep, switches off the TV, wraps his arm around Evan’s shoulder and closes his eyes as well.

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor wakes up to a few gentle pats on his shoulder. “Huh? Wh—” He opens his eyes and is greeted by Heidi’s face.

“Um, sorry. Someone has been calling you nonstop for the past fifteen minutes? And I just… I thought you might want to answer it.” She is holding out Connor’s phone.

Connor can see the caller ID. It’s Zoe. Shit. What time is it? He grabs his phone, mutters a thank you as Heidi smiles and leaves, checking the time. Eight. Well fuck. Swiping to accept the call, Connor places the phone against his ear and starts stroking Evan’s hair, who is curled up with his head on Connor’s lap.

“Zoe?”

“Did you like, die?”

“Yes, I’m in hell. Congratulations, that’s what you always wanted.”

“Haha, very funny. Are you coming back or what?”

“Oh, uh…” Connor looks down at Evan. “I… I don’t know. Probably? But Evan’s asleep and I don’t wanna wake him now, so…”

A sigh comes from the other end. “Fine. Text me latest at ten if you’re coming back, or I swear, hell is gonna be the least thing you have to worry about.” Zoe hangs up before Connor can say anything else. 

Connor puts his phone down onto the sofa and leans back. Heidi comes back into the room after a few seconds, seeing that Connor has finished his phone call.

“Do you need to go home? You can wake Evan up.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“You sure? It’s getting late, sweetie.”

“Yeah, I don’t mind.”

“Okay.” Heidi smiles at Connor. “Evan’s really lucky to have you as a friend.”

Finding himself turning red, Connor hastily says, “I’m luckier to have him.”

Heidi beams. “Well, I’m glad for both of you, then. I’ll leave you guys to it.” At Connor’s nod, she leaves the room once again.

Connor looks at Evan’s sleeping figure and slowly reaches for the TV remote again, careful not to jolt Evan too much and turns on The Politician again. After a while, a loud shout from one of the characters inside the show causes Evan to wake up.

Prying himself off from Connor’s lap, Evan stretches and groans.

“Morning sunshine.”

Evan rubs his eyes and grins. “What time is it?”

“Uh, almost nine.”

Evan, who has been rubbing his face, stops halfway. “W— wait. You’re kidding, right?” He snatches his phone off the sofa and turns it on. 20:48. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Connor shrugs. “I was sleeping too. Your mum woke me up at eight.”

“Oh.” Evan starts picking at his fingers. “I was thinking… Connor, um, you should—”

“What.”

“Y— you should, uh, you should maybe… call Miguel. I mean, it’s been more than a week, and…”

“No, no and no. He probably thinks I’m dead.”

“He knows,” Evan mumbles.

“Wait. What? What does he know?”

Evan looks so scared and takes a deep breath. “Uh, last Thursday night… h— he was calling you at two something, um, in the morning, and I, I just, I felt really bad, because he might have th— thought, um, that you were going to… so I, uh, I picked up and I told him, that you’re okay, and that you, um, that you just need some time…”

“You what?” Connor stands up.

“S— sorry,” Evan whispers.

Connor struggles to wrap his head around this. Evan. Talking to Miguel. He can’t tell if it’s good or bad. He slowly sits back down on the sofa. “I— okay. You know what, at least now I don’t have to be the one to tell him that I’m not dead.” He chuckles.

“Yeah, that.” Evan seems to sag in relief when he sees that Connor isn't angry at him. “But… but you should still, uh, talk to him.”

“Nah, I’ll pass.”

There are a few seconds of silence before Evan pipes up again. “I— I won’t go to school… tomorrow.”

“What? What does that have to do with th—”

“I— if you don’t call, um, Miguel, I won’t… I won’t go to school. Tomorrow. Or ever. Until you call him.”

“Wh— no, that’s not… how could you? Evan!” Connor splutters.

Evan gives him a smile. “Then call him.”

Putting his head in his hands, Connor sighs. He knows he really should call Miguel, but he’s afraid. Afraid that if he tries to reach out, his heart will only get broken again. 

Connor takes a deep breath and lifts his head. “Okay, so I call Miguel now, and in return, you go to school tomorrow.”

“Y— yeah.”

“You can’t back out tomorrow though. Promise?”

Evan exhales. “Promise.”

“Okay. Okay. Here goes.” Connor picks up his phone and scrolls to Miguel’s contact, stealing a nervous glance towards Evan and receives a reassuring nod in return. With bated breath, Connor slowly presses his thumb against the screen and lifts the phone to his ear.

One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Four—

The line crackles on the other end. “Connor?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot twist surprise im not dead
> 
> sorry to anybody who has been waiting for updates;/ 
> 
> this week has been traumatizing so yeah life is as usual whats new


	12. a total trainwreck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Am I... is it ever going to change? Am I going to feel this way forever? Will I ever stop thinking that... that dying is the only way? That no one would ever care?” Evan’s voice cracks on the last word. Tears run down his face but he makes no move to wipe them away.
> 
> Connor bites his lips until the tears threatening to fall no longer do. He reaches out and pulls Evan’s shaking frame into a hug, letting his own fingers slide through Evan’s hair as he whispers reassuring words to him.
> 
> “I do care, Evan. I really do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for suicide talk, panic attack and stuff
> 
> omg thank you guys so much for 1k reads i—

“Uh, hi. Hi…” Connor’s lips start trembling. He purses them together.

“Connor, I’m really really sorry. I got angry, and I didn’t mean anything I said. I was so worried when you said… I just, I feel so bad.” Connor stays silent, and Miguel hurriedly continues. “You’re still my best friend, please, Connor, I really didn’t mean it.”

“I know.” Trying to blink away the tears forming in his eyes, Connor can see the vague form of Evan’s broken arm reaching over and squeezing his leg.

“I know you have anxiety, I shouldn’t have just… just said that. I’m such a shitty friend. I— sorry. I’ll be better, I promise.”

Connor traces his name on Evan’s cast. “You’ve said that before,” he mumbles softly.

“Said what?”

“That you’ll be a better friend.”

A sigh comes from the other end. “Connor, you know I’m trying. I can’t just— fuck, I can’t just suddenly turn into this perfect person. I’m really sorry, I know that doesn’t change anything, I know you won’t forgive me just like that, but…”

“It’s okay. I do forgive you.”

There’s silence on the other end for a few moments. “That’s… thank you, Connor. I know you have anxiety, I shouldn’t just have, I could tell you needed a drink, but I kept on pushing, I didn’t…”

Irritation starts crawling up the back of Connor’s neck. He doesn’t bother keeping his voice down anymore. “What do you mean, I need a drink? Do you think that my anxiety just goes away with alcohol?”

“No, I know it doesn’t. I just mean that you’re easier to be around when you’re drunk or high because you… I don’t know, you let yourself talk freely or whatever.

Anger bubbles up inside Connor and he clenches his fist tightly. “I’m trying to quit drinking. If you’ve been a good friend, you would know. Drinking doesn’t make my brain less fucked up than it is. I have anxiety, but it doesn’t make me stupid, okay, Miguel? I still have a fucking brain. If all you associate with me is being drunk, then you don’t know me anymore. I’m actually trying to get into college. Did you know, M, did you know?”

“Connor, wh—”

“Bye, M.” Connor hits the end call button and only realises then that his breathing is heavy. He tries to take deep breaths, noticing that Evan is staring at him nervously. 

Evan opens his mouth to speak, but Connor cuts him off, not wanting to hear anything that might trigger his anger any further.

“I’m leaving.”

“Oh. Okay.” 

Pretending not to see how Evan visibly deflates, Connor shoots a text to Zoe to tell her to come pick him up and proceeds to sit side by side awkwardly on the sofa with Evan for what seems like an eternity.

When Connor can’t stand it any longer, he stands up, running his hand along his hair and gives out a short laugh. “Fuck, I need weed.”

“You, uh, y—you really shouldn’t…” Evan pipes up.

Connor spins around and snaps, “You’re not my mother, Hansen.” At the same time, his phone chimes. It’s Zoe. He stalks to the front door and opens it, slamming it behind him, catching Evan’s petrified face as he does so. 

The second he slides into the backseat of Zoe’s car, Connor is flooded by guilt. He turns on his phone.

You:  
hey im really sorry i didnt mean to yk yell at u  
ik i should work on managing my anger more really didnt mean it sorry

Evan checks his phone almost immediately.

Evan:  
It’s fine! No problem at all!!

You:  
cool

“Are we picking up Evan tomorrow?”

Connor looks up. Zoe is looking back at him through the rear view mirror. “Oh, uh… probably?”

You:  
we’re picking u up tmr for skl?

Evan:  
Oh, you don’t have to…

You:  
ok saint evan be ready at 730 we will be there

Evan:   
Thank you.  
:)

You:   
np

“Yeah, we’re picking Evan up. Seven thirty.” Connor shifts in his seat.

“‘Kay.”

The rest of the ride falls into awkward silence. Connor glances at his sister a few times and once or twice she catches him at it, causing Connor to turn red and duck his head back down. All he wishes for is another chance with Zoe. Another chance that he doesn’t completely fuck up. Another chance to be a good brother. But he knows that ain’t possible.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan is sitting on his front steps when Zoe pulls into the driveway and he stands up immediately, making his way over. Opening the door for him, Connor nods in greeting.

Evan climbs im. Rather clumsily. “Uh, h— hey…” He turns to Zoe. “Th— thanks, um, thank you for driving… driving me.”

Zoe flashes him a grin. “It’s all good.” 

Connor can practically see Evan melting in his seat and reaches over to tap his leg. Evan blanches a bit, making Connor a little concerned.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I, just…” Evan swallows and exhales. “Just nervous.”

Connor looks closer at Evan and notices bags under his eyes. “Are you sure? You look kind of tired.”

“I couldn’t, um, really sleep? Because… ‘cause things were running in my mind, and, so… yeah.”

Connor puts a hand over Evan’s shaking hand. “Hey Evan, you know you have nothing to worry about." He reassures Evan with a smile.

Evan mimics it half-heartedly before lowering his gaze back to his lap.

Connor stares at Evan for one last second before peeling his eyes off him. Jesus, when did Evan get so cute? Everything from his hair to his freckles to his eyes that seem to swallow Connor whole… Connor rubs his eyes. No, he will not have a crush on his one and only friend who definitely does not have feelings other than platonic ones for him. Shit. Connor stops himself midway through licking his lips. What is he thinking? No one in their right mind would ever like him. He has accepted that already. Forcing Evan’s face out of his mind, Connor rests his head against the window and slowly drifts off to the rhythm of the car engine.

\------------ time cut ------------

“Um, C— Connor?” Connor wakes up to a timid voice right next to his ear. Evan’s voice. But before he can attempt to pry his eyes open, another voice, significantly louder too, he might add, destroys his eardrums.

“You can just yell.” Connor feels someone shoving his shoulder and winces. “WE’RE HERE!”

Groaning, Connor groggily opens his eyes. “I hate you.” He pushes himself up and reaches for the door, preparing to leave.

“Love you too, buddy.”

Connor slams the car door shut and sees Evan jump in the background. He pretends he doesn’t see it and turns to face the school, sound still ringing in his ears. Not a good start to the day, but oh well.

He starts walking briskly to the gates, with Evan trailing a few meters behind him. Stepping into the gates, Connor subconsciously tightens his grip on his bag, slightly shifting the position of the strap. His only goal is to get to his locker. Talk to no one, look at no one. That’s his best strategy. After Connor shuts his locker door and fixes his lock, he looks back and makes out Evan’s figure, who is still at his locker at the opposite end of the corridor, fiddling with his lock. Connor goes over.

He gets there just as Evan finishes, his lock falling against the locker door with a small bang. He notices that Evan looks like he’s on the verge of panicking. But again, he always does.

“Hey. We have Literature, right?”

“Y— yeah.”

Connor turns and starts walking, expecting Evan to follow behind. However, he has taken only a few steps before he realises that Evan isn’t walking. Connor turns around. Evan’s eyes are wide, flitting through the wide corridor, taking everything in, the people, the chaos. Tears are threatening to run down Evan’s face. His mouth is slightly open, probably hyperventilating, if not soon. Fuck. Connor forgot. Evan. People. Freaks out. And Evan hasn’t been to school for one week. If that doesn’t make it worse, Connor doesn’t know what it is. Shit, this can’t be good.

Connor starts to walk back over. “Evan?”

\------------ Evan’s pov ------------

Evan can’t move. Not even if he tried. All he can see is everyone in front of him. All out to get him. White noise fills his head. He thinks someone calls him. Or is he just hallucinating? Evan can’t help but think back to that day. Last Sunday. This feels weirdly similar. Just then, a wave of dizziness hits him. Oh shit, he forgot to breathe. Before Evan can fall, though, hands reach out to steady him. He looks up with blurred eyes, realising that he has been crying for at least a while without noticing it.

“C— Con—”

Connor shushes Evan with a small smile, one hand reaching for Evan’s and the other rubbing his back comfortingly. He opens his mouth to say something, but before he can—

A voice rings out. “What the fuck did you do to him, Murphy?” Oh no. Is that Jared? No. Evan remembers how rude he has been. How hurt Jared has looked. No, he can’t deal with that now. His legs give way and he falls onto Connor.

“Shit. Evan? Hey, Ev, can you hear me?”

“He’s having a panic attack.”

“Yeah, no shit, sherlock.”

Evan tries to say something but he ends up wheezing. He’s losing oxygen. Fast. He can’t pass out in school, no, that’s the worst thing that can ever happen. He will forever be known as the kid who broke down and fainted at the lockers before school even started. That can’t happen. He can’t let that happen.

He weakly tugs at Connor’s shirt, who immediately stoops down to look Evan in the eye.

“Yeah?”

“I… I don’t w— want him, Jared… to see me like, like th— this…” Evan mumbles between gasps of breaths.

“Hey breathe, you’re okay. I’m here. Can you walk?” 

Evan nods. Or thinks he does. At the same time, the bell signalling five minutes before first period starts to ring. Good, the less people that see him like this, the better.

Connor moves forward slowly, still supporting Evan, who starts walking with shaky legs. 

“Where are you going?” 

Evan’s heart stops for a second at Jared’s voice and he almost falls but catches himself, stumbling a few steps. 

“Away from you, dickhead. Go to class,” Connor says as soon as he checks that Evan isn’t going to lose his balance.

So they continue their agonizing walk down the hallway for what seems like hours to Evan, until the battle in his head gets way too intense for him to handle and his legs fail him, giving way beneath him. Evan falls sideways into a row of lockers and instinctively turns so he slides down towards the floor with his back against the lockers. 

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Connor falls with Evan, never once letting go of his hand. The tears are almost all gone, but if Evan’s anxiety is anything like Connor’s, the panic attack is far from ending. Evan heaves and starts curling in on himself more and more.

“Evan. Evan. Do you have your meds with you?”

Evan inhales shakily. “F— front… front pocket of, of m— my bag…” He lurches forward into a coughing fit.

Hastily, Connor opens the zip of Evan’s bag and shoves his hand into the pocket, feeling for anything that remotely feels like meds. His hand closes around a small bottle and he tightens his grip, pulling it out. Skimming the label, Connor sees the word Xanax and wastes no time opening the bottle and tipping it, pouring out two pills and gives them to Evan. He looks on as Evan receives the pills and with fumbling hands, pours them into his mouth, wincing as he dry swallows them. Connor screws down the lid and starts rubbing Evan’s back, all the time watching his reactions carefully.

Gradually, Evan’s breathing starts to even out and he closes his eyes, letting his head fall against the lockers.

“I, uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t... I forgot to take my meds th— this morning. I’m really sorry...”

Connor can see Evan getting riled up again. He squeezes his hand gently. “Hey. It’s okay. No offence, but you look exhausted. Let me bring you home.”

Upon hearing that, Evan sits up, his eyes widening. “N— no! I promised... you call Miguel, I come to school. I can’t leave, not after...”

“Evan, it’s fine. You aren’t ready, that’s fine.”

“But, my mum...”

“She’ll understand too. Take tomorrow off as well, and if you feel better, you can come back on Wednesday, yeah?”

“I promised you though.”

Connor sighs. “It’s okay, Evan. Come on, I’ll drive you.” He stands up and holds a hand out for Evan.

Evan hiccups before grasping onto Connor’s hand. “Y— you can’t, you don’t have a licence. Or a car.”

Pulling Evan up, Connor laughs. “I know Zoe’s locker combination. Her car keys are there. She won’t notice.”

Evan is too tired to argue. He just nods and takes a few seconds to steady himself before following after Connor.

After retrieving Zoe’s keys from her locker, the two boys walk side by side to her car. Connor opens the door to the passenger seat and waves his hand around like a chauffeur.

“Sir, your ride,” Connor says, mimicking a British accent.

Evan can’t help but give Connor a tired smile. He ducks and slides in while Connor shuts the door and goes over to the driver seat.

Slamming the door shut, Connor buckles his seatbelt and looks over at Evan. His hands are trembling and he can’t seem to keep them steady enough to buckle in his seatbelt.

Connor leans over. “Here, let me help.” He easily takes the seatbelt from Evan’s hands and buckles it.

“Sorry,” mumbles Evan.

“Don’t apologise. You’re good.”

Connor puts the car in reverse and backs out of the parking lot. To Evan’s surprise, Connor’s driving isn’t as bad as he thought it would be. Yes, he does go past the speed limit sometimes, but it is a fairly comfortable ride. Too comfortable, maybe, that Evan starts nodding off five minutes into the ride.

Pulling the car into Evan’s driveway, Connor lightly taps Evan on the shoulder, causing the latter to jump, his eyes flying open. “W— we’re here...?”

Connor nods and they get out of the car. He notices that Evan’s hands are still slightly trembling, so he holds his hand out.

“Give me your key.”

Evan does. Connor unlocks the door, opening it and walking in after he lets Evan in first. Evan keeps his head down and directly goes to the stairs, not bothering to take his shoes off. Connor takes his shoes off at the doorway before quickly following after Evan.

When Connor gets into Evan’s room, Evan is sitting on his bed, staring out of the window. His breathing is shaky.

“Ev,” Connor starts cautiously, walking towards the bed and slowly sits down next to Evan.

Evan pulls his gaze away from the window and looks at Connor. His eyes are bloodshot.

“Am I... is it ever going to change? Am I going to feel this way forever? Will I ever stop thinking that... that dying is the only way? That no one would ever care?” Evan’s voice cracks on the last word. Tears run down his face but he makes no move to wipe them away.

Connor bites his lips until the tears threatening to fall no longer do. He reaches out and pulls Evan’s shaking frame into a hug, letting his own fingers slide through Evan’s hair as he whispers reassuring words to him.

“I do care, Evan. I really do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow heavy much
> 
> i promise evan will get better soon im sorry for making him suffer a relapse but thats life:/
> 
> comments and kudos please cus they be making me happy


	13. helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, uh,” Connor whispers into Evan’s ear. “Your mum… she is really worried about you. Do you think you can talk to her?”
> 
> Connor feels Evan nodding and mumbling something incoherent against his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda going through a hamilton phase rn so like chapter name... yall get it
> 
> *gasp* thanks for 100 kudos guys 
> 
> TW for lots and lots and lots of angst and suicidal thoughts

Connor stays with Evan until he eventually falls asleep, wearing himself out from crying. Having assured Evan that he will not leave him, he can’t go back to school. At least, not yet. Not until Evan wakes up and they talk things through.

Lunchtime rolls by uneventfully. It is nearly three before Connor puts aside his computer where he has been watching Netflix and blinks a couple times, rubbing his eyes and standing up.

Connor walks over to the window and looks down at where Zoe’s car is still parked and sighs. He can’t possibly leave Evan before he wakes up, and Zoe is going to freak out if she can’t find her car.

Pursing his lips together, Connor digs his phone out of his pocket and texts his sister before bracing himself for whatever she is going to throw at him.

You:  
i took ur car  
evan had a panic attack so i drove him home and i kinda can’t leave he’s sleeping so  
dont kill me

Zoe replies at three on the dot, as soon as school ends.

Zoe:  
CONNOR  
FUCK  
not the evan part is he ok  
BUT CONNOR MURPHY IF U DID ANYTHING TO MY CAR

You:  
jeez  
i did nothing  
evans fine  
r u gonna go home

Zoe:  
im coming over  
i need to check my car

Connor exhales and throws his phone onto the table, making a quiet bang. Evan stirs and turns, but doesn’t wake up. Frowning, Connor sits down on a chair. Knowing that Evan is a really light sleeper, Connor realises that Evan must be really exhausted to not wake up.

A light knock sounds from downstairs within fifteen minutes. Connor runs down and opens the door, getting greeted with Zoe’s relieved face.

“Thank fuck you didn’t scratch my car,” Zoe says as she steps into the house.

“I already told you I didn’t.”

“I know, but you’re you.”

“Wow, thanks.”

Zoe shifts from one leg to the other and looks around the house. “Is Evan’s room upstairs?”

“Yeah, he’s sleeping.”

“Is he... what happened?”

“Promise not to tell anyone?”

At Zoe’s nod, Connor continues. “So last Sunday night when you drove me over? Evan... uh, he was going to overdose, and... kill himself.” He pretends he doesn’t see Zoe covering her mouth with her hand. “And after that, he got new meds and I thought he was getting better, his mum probably thought so too. So he came back to school today, you know that part, but he obviously wasn’t ready... he had a panic attack at the lockers and I drove him back here. When we arrived he told me, asked me if he was ever going to stop feeling like he wanted to die...”

Zoe’s eyes are as wide as plates. “Oh my god, I didn’t... I never, never thought that Evan was—”

“Hurting so bad?” Connor finishes Zoe’s sentence for her.

“Yeah.”

At that moment, Connor almost tells Zoe about how Evan likes her. Just to force her to date Evan, to make Evan happy again. But he stops himself before he does, because Evan probably doesn’t want that. Plus, on a much more selfish note, Connor still wants Evan for himself.

Before any of them can say anything else, footsteps get louder and louder and Evan stands at the bottom of the stairs.

“Con, d— oh.” Evan’s hoarse voice pierces through the quiet of the house. His face changes into one of shock as he registers the newcomer in the house. “Z— Zoe, um, hi...” he squeaks.

Zoe gives him a smile and a small wave. “Hey Evan.” She looks like she wants to say more but doesn’t.

Evan stumbles backwards, his breathing becoming erratic. “I, wh— what… I d— I…”

Connor gets to Evan in a few easy strides. “Hey, you need to breathe. It’s okay.” 

Evan nods hurriedly and focuses on his breathing, his eyes flitting towards Zoe every few seconds. Sensing the mood in the room, Zoe clears her throat awkwardly and gestures to the front door.

“Uh, Connor, I’ll be waiting outside…?” 

“Yeah, sure.”

It might just be Connor, but the tension in the room has just gotten ten times stronger. “Oh, um, Ev… you feeling better?”

“I— ” Evan stares at his feet and gives Connor a half-hearted shrug.

“Wh— what can I do?” Connor whispers. He has never felt so helpless in his entire life.

That sentence seems to jolt Evan back into reality. He looks up. “I— I’m sorry, Con, you should, you can leave, you’ve been here long enough. I should be able to deal with this by myself, you don’t have to— you shouldn’t have to be here just out of pity or whatever, I’m… I will be fine.”

Evan’s subtle change of tense in his last sentence does not go unnoticed by Connor. “Ev.” Connor doesn’t remember when they have started being on a nickname basis. But oh well. “I am not here out of pity, okay? You’re my friend. I won’t ever leave you, you got that?”

Picking at his nails, Evan hesitantly nods. 

“Do you want me to sleep over here today?” 

“Oh n— no, you don’t need to… I don’t want to bother you or anything.”

“You won’t be bothering me, I have nothing to do anyways.”

“No, I— it’s fine.”

“Seriously, I can stay.”

Evan just shakes his head. “I’m fine. I— I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Connor says slowly, drawing out the last syllable. “I guess… bye then. I’ll come tomorrow afterschool.” He turns to leave when Evan does not seem to be going to reply anytime soon.

Connor walks over to the front door and places his hand on the doorknob—

“Connor.” 

It is more like the sound of an intake of breath more than anything else. Connor is positive he’s hallucinating until he swivels around and Evan stands there, eyes frantic, his trembling figure practically radiating vulnerability.

Letting out an involuntary “Oh,” Connor rushes back over to Evan, pulling his best friend into his chest so hard that it knocks both of their breaths away. But it’s needed, he knows. Evan is snivelling, breathing shakily into Connor’s chest, his frail body shaking in his friend’s embrace.

“I’m s— sorry I’m a mess, I’m such a failure…”

Connor pulls away, staring Evan straight in the eye. “Don’t say that. Never say that. You once got third place in a national poetry competition. In sophomore year you handed in your 60-minute environmental science paper after ten minutes and ended up getting one hundred and ten percent for naming all the trees in the photos as well. You probably also saved me from dying of hypothermia at Ellison. So. No, Evan Hansen, you’re not a mess, and you’re not a failure.”

Evan laughs shakily, making Connor’s stomach flutter. “I didn’t think you, uh, you remembered… or even n— noticed, in the first place.”

“What? That you saved me from hypothermia.”

“N— no, the… the environmental science paper.”

Connor shrugs. “I wasn’t as rebellious in sophomore year. I didn’t really have the guts to be high all the time then? So I did pay attention, sometimes. And you were like, probably the only interesting thing that happened in that entire year.” Only after Connor has said that out loud does he realise how wrong it has sounded like and feels himself starting to blush. He lets his hands linger on Evan’s shoulders for one more second before awkwardly dropping them down.

Luckily, Evan doesn’t seem to catch it and looks unfazed. He quickly swipes at his eyes which are brimming with tears and calms himself down before murmuring a thank you to Connor.

“Um.” Clearing his throat, Connor shoves his hands into his pockets. “I’m staying here with you. Don’t even try to argue with me, ‘cause.”

Evan’s breathing hitches and he takes a few deep breaths, closing his eyes. “Okay.” Pause. “Thank you.” 

“Of course. Hey, you had a panic attack, you should get some rest. I’ll come up after I tell Zoe to leave without me.”

Evan stares for a moment then nods, turning around to walk up the stairs slowly, his body still riddled with anxiety. Seeing Evan start to go up, Connor makes his way to the front door and to the driveway, where he knocks at Zoe’s car window to get her attention.

Zoe looks up, evidently startled, before recognizing Connor and sliding down the window. “Why aren’t you getting into the c—”

“I’m staying over here for the night.”

Zoe purses her lips before saying quietly, “Mom wants you to spend more time in the house.”

“Well, fuck her.”

“Connor!”

“No, but seriously, I really don’t think Evan should be alone right now, since… y’know.”

“Fine. Don’t blame me if mom gets mad at you though.”

Connor nods and proceeds to turn around, thinking that their conversation has ended.

“Connor?”

He stops in his tracks, turning back to face Zoe. “Yeah?”

She’s biting her lips. “I just… Con, I— I think Evan, he’s making you… nicer. More bearable. I don’t know. Forget it.”

Connor swallows the lump in his throat, trying to say something, but he can’t, he can’t, he messed everything up with Zoe, he can’t fix anything, his brain is fucked up and he just. Can’t do anything properly. 

By the time Connor is able to pull himself out of his spiral, Zoe has turned on the engine and with one last look at him pulls out of the driveway. Sighing, Connor goes back into the house.

He arrives at Evan’s room to find Evan curled up on his bed, his eyes fixated on Connor’s name on his cast. Evan looks up as he walks in.

“Hey. I know you just slept, but like you can sleep again.”

Evan rubs at his eyes. “Can’t,” he mumbles. 

“Um…” Connor looks around for something, anything to break the silence. His eyes fall on Evan’s bookshelf. “Oh! You have The Little Prince too? It’s my favourite book as a child.”

Connor thinks Evan is attempting to smile. He’s not sure though. “I— I, uh, I don’t think I ever read it… in full.”

“Do you maybe… feel free to say no, but I can read it out loud?

Evan licks his lips and nods slowly. Without wasting a second, Connor drags a chair over next to the bed and flips open the first page.

Connor starts reading. Evan stares at the ceiling, the hint of a smile tugging at his lips the entire time. Connor can’t tell how long they stay like that. He only realises that Evan is starting to drift off because he makes it a point to look at him every page or two. Connor doesn’t try to stop him. Only when he is certain that Evan is fully asleep does Connor fold the corner of the page and put the book down.

It feels creepy watching Evan sleep, but Connor doesn’t think that leaving the room will be a good idea. He selects another book and reads that silently. Hearing a soft bang as the front door opens and closes, Connor puts down the book and goes downstairs.

“Hey Heidi.”

Heidi turns around from where she has just sat down, putting down her bag. “Oh, hi sweetie! I didn’t realise you were coming today. If I had, I would have cooked something or—”

“No, no, it’s fine. Uh, actually… I want to talk to you about, about Evan? He, um…” Connor starts fiddling with the strings on his hoodie.

Heidi gestures to the chair next to hers and Connor slides into it. 

“Uh, so, Evan had a really bad panic attack at school? So I, um, I drove him back here and I don’t— I’m not sure, but based on what he said I think he’s having increased suicide thoughts? Yeah, um…”

Heidi is standing up. “Is he in his room?”

Nodding, Connor stands up too. “Sleeping.”

Connor reaches Evan’s room and steps back a little to let Heidi open the door. As the door hits the wall, Evan stirs and blinks, looking confused until his eyes rest on Heidi’s. He immediately sits up. 

Heidi gives Evan a small smile. “How are you doing, honey?”

Evan looks from Connor to Heidi, then to Connor and back to Heidi. Connor can see the realization dawning on his face. There’s no use hiding it. Evan definitely knows that Connor told his mum.

Looking frantic, Evan scoots backwards until his back touches the headboard. “I’m sorry, I, sorry, you shouldn’t have to— I’m fine, it’s okay, you don’t have to worry about me, I—” He twists away as Heidi goes to touch his shoulder.

Trying again, Heidi is met once again by Evan’s rejection. Connor can tell from Evan’s heavy breathing and shaking figure that he is on the edge of another panic attack. He walks over to Heidi and taps her on the shoulder.

“Should I… I can help?”

Heidi nods, helpless. She steps back to make space for Connor.

Before Connor can even sit down, Evan presses his back tight against the backboard. “I’m fine, I’m fine. I—” He breaks into a cough.

Connor sits down slowly, careful not to alarm Evan. “Hey, hey. I’m here, okay? You’re gonna be okay.”

Evan continues trying to scoot backwards and moves his hand when Connor’s gets too near.

“I’m not going to hurt you, yeah? It’s okay,” Connor whispers, feeling accomplished when Evan relaxes slightly and stops trying to move away. “Can I— is it okay if I touch you?”

“Y—yeah.”

Slowly, Connor places his hand on Evan’s shoulder and gradually pulls him into a hug, can’t help but feeling how hard Evan is shaking. Out of the corner of his eye, Connor can see Heidi looking powerless.

“Hey, uh,” Connor whispers into Evan’s ear. “Your mum… she is really worried about you. Do you think you can talk to her?”

Connor feels Evan nodding and mumbling something incoherent against his chest. He lets Evan have a few more seconds before pulling away, gesturing for Heidi to come forward. “I’ll wait downstairs.”

Heidi hesitates and nods, moving to take Connor’s space while Connor slips out of Evan’s room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Footsteps start getting louder and Connor turns around from where he is sitting on the sofa. Heidi has an exhausted but relieved face on her face. 

“Is Ev okay?”

“Yes, he just wants some time alone and maybe sleep. I made him a session with Dr Sherman tomorrow to t— oh, that’s his therapist, Dr Sherman. Evan’s going to talk to his therapist and ask if he needs new meds. He doesn’t want to tell Dr Sherman about the, uh,” Heidi swallows. “The suicidal thoughts. I let him have his way for now, but I made him promise if they get worse, he has to tell me. Or you.” Walking over to Connor, Heidi sits on the sofa next to him and grasps his hands. “Connor, I can’t say thank you enough. For everything that you’ve done for Evan and me. Really, thank you so much. You’re such a great friend. Your mum must be so proud of a son like you.”

Connor can feel himself turning red. “It’s nothing,” he mumbles, while shouting at himself inside his head.

Proud. Bullshit. He can't even get through one dinner without hurting his mum or Zoe. Or his dad, but like, he deserves it. Jerk. Asshole. Now that he thinks about it, Connor has probably got all those traits from his dad. Funny.

Looking up, Connor realises that Heidi has stood up, patting his shoulder.

“I’m really sorry, honey, but I have class.”

“It’s okay. I can stay here tonight? Since Evan…”

Heidi bends down to squeeze his hand. “I can’t thank you enough.” She goes over to grab her bag by the table and waves to Connor as she leaves the house.

Connor lets out a deep sigh as soon as the front door closes. He knows he should let Evan rest, but he really wants to go up and take away all of Evan’s worries and doubts with a hug. Or a kiss. Connor almost slaps himself. 

“Not cool, gay vibes,” he mumbles to himself.

Connor hears a door opening and closing from upstairs after a few minutes. He sits up, expecting Evan to come down. But he doesn’t. Realising that Evan is just using the toilet, Connor slumps back down on the sofa, disappointed. 

After a while Connor just can’t help himself. He goes up and knocks on Evan’s door. “Ev?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really exhausted from everything that is happening so not in the mood to proofread sorry
> 
> the end isnt supposed to be a cliffhanger i swear i did not do that on purpose but ye 
> 
> i realised i havent posted in a while and i dont want to make the chapter like too long so i just. stopped there?


	14. slip away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan turns off his phone and buries his face in his pillow, forcing his tears to stay in. All he wishes for is a life where he doesn’t freak out about the tiniest things possible. Is that too much to ask for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for so so many suicidal thoughts

Pressing his ear to the door, Connor can hear a shaky voice saying softly, “C—come in.”

Evan sits up on his bed as Connor opens the door and walks in, giving Evan a smile. Making a feeble attempt to match it, Evan sighs, slumping back against the headboard and rubbing his face.

“Hey...” Connor walks over tentatively.

Evan keeps his face buried in his hands. Connor has no idea what he should do and resolves to just sitting at the edge of Evan’s bed.

“Maybe I should just die.” Evan’s small, muffled voice breaks the silence.

Connor’s heart skips a beat. “No, wh—? Ev, you shouldn’t, no, don’t think like that, please, I’ll be here for y—“

“I’m a mess. I— I’m disgusting and a, a burden to everyone I meet. You shouldn’t have to deal with me, I should just kill myself now so you can forget how fucked up I am and how I— see? Even when I try to do something selfless I make it about me. Look at how absolutely annoying I am. It’s fine if you hate me. You can tell me. I promise I won’t throw or break things. I should probably just kill myself now, right? So you don’t even have to listen to this. Then my mum will be so much better off without me, she loves you, she can go live with you or something, like a second mum and— oh my god that was so rude sorry I’m sorry so sorry that was so impolite to you and Zoe and Cynthia and Larry, oh my god what was I thinking, I’m a disaster, I fuck up everything as usual, I can’t do this anymore, I—“

“Evan!” Connor yelps. 

He’s been trying to stop Evan from rambling for an entire minute. Evan’s eyes widen as he realises how much he has said and immediately turns red, eyes casting towards his bed. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry, sorry, I didn’t—“

Evan gets cut off abruptly with a gigantic hug.

“Okay, never say that again. I don’t find you annoying, you never will be, and I love you—“ Connor almost chokes but he covers it up hastily with a cough. Very smooth. “You’re my best friend and I love you for that, trust me, you are not a burden nor a disaster. God, Evan, if only you knew how good you are. Whenever it’s a bad day or whatever, text me, call me, and I’ll come straight away. Promise me you’ll do that?”

“I— I can’t promise that...”

“It doesn’t have to be much, hey, I got it, if you need me there or feel, um, like, suicidal, you can text me two slashes and I’ll know, ‘kay? You don’t have to say anything.”

“Okay,” Evan whispers.

Deep down, though, Connor knows Evan will never send him that text. Evan would rather pass out from a panic attack than to annoy Connor. But it won’t hurt to try.

Connor starts to pull away, but Evan grabs Connor’s shirt tighter and shakes his head, breathing shakily. 

Biting his lip, Connor’s heart breaks once again for this cute boy and decides to hold Evan for as long as he needs him to.

Or well, until Evan falls asleep. Which is less than a minute later.

\------------ Evan’s pov ------------

“Evan, honey? Sweetie, wake up.”

Evan groans softly and yanks his eyes open, blinking rapidly to adjust to the sunlight shining in from his window. His mum’s face slides into focus on his right.

“M—mum?”

“Hey honey, I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna wake you up, but you’re seeing Dr Sherman in an hour, so...”

Evan hates that she’s using her baby voice on him, like he is going to break down any second. Which, he is. But still.

“Where’s Connor?” Evan looks around, hopeful for another familiar face, and lets out a small “ow” when his head pounds.

Heidi pushes a big glass of water and a pill into Evan’s hands. She is all too familiar with Evan’s Dehydration From Crying problem. “I told him to go home when I came back from class. Poor boy, he stayed with you in your room even after you fell asleep just to make sure you’re okay. He’s already helping us way too much, the last thing I want is to annoy his parents.”

Evan swallows his pill, downs the water and nods, knowing that what his mum has said is very true, but he can’t help but feel a little disappointed. He glances at his calendar on the wall. September 30, Tuesday. It has barely been a month since the start of senior year, but it has felt like a century. 

Gritting his teeth, Evan swings his legs down and stands up, closing his eyes when the room sways a bit. Heidi squeezes her son’s shoulder, and when she is sure Evan is getting ready for his therapist session, she leaves the room, reminding him that he has to be ready in thirty minutes.

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan fidgets with the hem of his shirt as his mum places her hand over his, stopping Evan from picking at his nails like he has for the past ten minutes he has been waiting outside Dr Sherman’s office.

“Evan Hansen?” Dr Sherman’s voice crackles over the speaker, causing Evan to jump before straightening himself. With a nervous glance at his mum, he enters the office.

Dr Sherman’s stern face greets Evan. Evan mutters a quiet “hi” before sitting down on the edge of the sofa chair set up for him.

“Hi Evan, I believe you think you are currently having a relapse? That you think you need new meds?”

Evan likes how there’s no small talk. Straight to the topic. No chance for him to ramble on and on and on.

“Uh, y—yes.” Evan shifts in his seat. When has the room got so hot? “Last last week, my, um, my dad called my mum and said some things about my… anxiety and they made, th—they started triggering my, um, my attacks? Really badly?”

Dr Sherman nods, his face still passive. “Keep going.”

“I, uh, I d—, um…” Evan splutters. He hasn’t expected to keep going at this point. He has just thought Dr Sherman would take over and tell Evan what the heck is wrong with him.

“It’s okay, Evan. You don’t know where to start, that’s fine. Now can you answer my questions?”

Evan nods, gripping his chair tightly. 

“When was the last time you had a panic attack?”

“Yesterday.”

“When did the… incident with your dad happen?”

“Uh, um, the friday the week before…”

“So the,” Dr Sherman flips through his calendar. “Nineteenth of September.”

“Y—yeah.”

“Was there any way these panic attacks are different than the ones you had before that day?”

Evan squeezes his eyes right and tries to focus on his rapid breathing. “I— I feel like I was actually going to die. Like before, um, when I can’t breathe and I wonder if I’m going to die, I kn— know that’s an irrational thought. But now… uh, I really think I am going to die, until someone fully grounds me, then—” Evan struggles to breathe.

“Okay Evan, breathe. Seven in, seven out, just like we always do.”

When Evan calms down, he sees Dr Sherman writing something in that notepad of his. It drives Evan crazy to not know what’s written in there. Somewhere along the lines of Evan’s a disaster and a freak.

Dr Sherman looks up and upon noticing that Evan’s breathing has evidently slowed down, he continues.

“We’re almost done. You’re doing a really good job, Evan. The number doesn’t have to be exact, but would you maybe remember how many panic attacks you’ve had where you felt like that since September the nineteenth?”

“Oh, um…” Evan starts recalling his memories inside his head. “About ten.”

Dr Sherman’s eyes shoot up for one second before he covers it up and starts writing in his notepad, but it is enough to make Evan start panicking again.

“Last question. Evan, this is just a safety precaution, I repeat, this is just a precaution. We ask this question to almost all of our clients who are having relapses. Have you at anytime had suicidal thoughts whether it was during an attack or not?”

Evan swallows, his throat dry. “N—no,” he croaks out. Evan immediately gets filled with guilt for lying and he digs his fingers into his thighs to stop himself from saying anything out loud.

Leaning back, Dr Sherman gives Evan a small smile. “Thank you. I’m going to call your mother in to discuss medications. Is that alright with you?”

Evan looks down at the floor and nods, tears stinging his eyes. He hears the door open and close. Less than a minute later, the door opens again and a hand Evan recognises as his mum’s tousles his hair.

“How are you doing, buddy?” Heidi whispers into Evan’s ear.

Evan isn’t sure if he can answer without breaking down, so he just shrugs in reply. At this point, the thoughts in Evan’s voice get louder and drown out whatever it is that Dr Sherman is saying to his mum and everything afterwards, leaving Evan to do nothing but pick at the loose thread on his blue striped shirt.

He doesn’t know how long it has been, but Evan tunes in to the conversation just as Dr Sherman says something.

“— eed parental consent before I can change Evan’s meds.”

“Yes of course. Anything that can help him.”

“With diagnosed anxiety, Evan can either switch his meds to another type or increase the dosages of the medications he is currently taking.”

“Well, I— which one is better? Sorry, I don’t really know…”

“It’s okay. Based on what Evan told me this session and his history of changing medications, I feel like the reason for this relapse is because of having a lack of dosage, not because this type of medication isn’t working. I would suggest increasing his dosage.”

Evan senses a ‘but’ coming. Sure enough, after a second—

“But, if we try to increase the dosage and it doesn’t work for Evan, he would need to be hospitalised to change medications again. Or else he will have withdrawals from how much meds he would be on.”

Heidi looks scared. “Oh. But do you think the dosage is the only reason why Ev is having his relapse?”

“It’s hard to say. The dosage might be the only reason for Evan’s relapse, but they can also be totally not related. I’m just saying that there is a higher chance the dosage is at fault here, but the risk is there.”

Opening her mouth to reply, Heidi catches her son looking at her and smiles. “What do you think, honey?”

Evan looks like a deer caught in the headlights. “Wh— I don’t know… I shouldn’t be the one to do, to make the decision. I won’t make the right decision and everything’s going to be so, so, so much worse.” He cuts himself off before he can spiral any longer.

Heidi switches her gaze from Evan to Dr Sherman and bites her lips, nodding slowly. “Okay. We will… try the dosage increase. You okay with that, Evan?”

“Um, s—sure…”

Evan doesn’t really remember what happens after that. Everything is a blur. All he knows is he gets told of the increased dosage amounts and the changed times to take his medications. Then he gets escorted out while his mum pays for the session and the increased dosages, which he feels really really bad for, but he can’t say anything without throwing up, because at that moment he realises this is his last chance and if he fucks this up— Boom. Hospital here he comes.

He gets back to his house and immediately shuts himself inside his room, taking the increased dosage for his medicine. Heidi has been trying to talk to him since they left Dr Sherman’s office, but Evan blocks her out. He really doesn’t think he can talk. At least not now. Turning on his phone for the first time since yesterday night when he fell asleep, Evan can see a few new messages from Connor last night.

Connor:  
hey ev   
sorry i have to leave  
ur mum kinda forced me out of the house  
she said some shit about me needing to spend time with my family   
lol   
sorry ur asleep ill stop spamming

Then this morning.

Connor:  
tell me how ur session goes?

Three minutes ago.

Connor:  
hey  
ur mum said ur back from therapy how was it  
u are probably not even checking ur phone what the hell am i doing im sorry  
but in case you are checking u phone   
i can come over?  
if u want me to

Evan switches off his phone and climbs into his bed, not in the mood to reply. But a few minutes later, the guilt from leaving his best friend on read starts eating Evan up and he sighs, grabbing his phone off his bedside table.

You:  
I have to get increased dosages for my medication.  
You don’t have to come over.  
Sorry.

Connor replies immediately.

Connor:  
but thats good right   
u get better!  
r u sure?  
i can come i dont have anything else to do   
also r u coming to school tmr?

You:  
The medication might not work. If it doesn’t, I have to get hospitalised to change meds because of withdrawals.  
Sorry, I’m sorry but don’t come.  
I’m not really in the mood to talk, I’m so sorry.  
Mum wants me to stay home for a few more days, so maybe Thursday or Friday?

Connor:  
oh  
fingers crossed the medication works then;)  
oh ok its fine but please text me if it gets too bad?   
but do u want me to come afterschool tmr

You:  
Ok.  
If it’s fine with you, yes please.

Connor:  
ill come then cu  
get some rest now 

Evan:  
Ok.  
Thank you.

Connor:  
np

Evan turns off his phone and buries his face in his pillow, forcing his tears to stay in. All he wishes for is a life where he doesn’t freak out about the tiniest things possible. Is that too much to ask for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an evan pov cus i feel like we all need it:)


	15. an abandoned memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, fine, shut up, maybe I do like him. A bit. But that doesn’t mean anything, okay? Evan’s straight, he likes y— someone else. And even if he suddenly turned gay or bisexual or whatever, face it, Zo, why would he choose to like someone like me?”
> 
> Zoe gives him a look that Connor can only describe as pity
> 
> “Alright, I’m out.” Connor opens the car door and steps out, feeling Zoe’s eyes burning into the back of his head. He decides that he has had enough self-pity for the day, knowing that he has to eventually face the truth that he’s going to die sad. To die alone. To die forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm tryna find a regular posting time for this but once per week is too slow and twice per week is too fast oof

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Connor skips school on Tuesday. There’s no real reason for it. He just doesn’t feel like it. But he drags himself out of bed on Wednesday, since he has a Literature test on that day which he can definitely get an easy A on, and he feels like sticking that into Colin Harris’ face. So.

Stepping past the school gates, Connor keeps his head low. He’s not in the mood to make any small talk with anyone. However, he barely makes it to his locker before Jared blocks his way.

Connor clenches his fists and says through gritted teeth, “What now?”

“Why did Evan look so freaked out to see me on Monday?”

“What?”

“Evan. On Monday. At the lockers. He was having an attack and it got even worse when he saw me coming.”

“Uh, maybe because he was having a panic attack? And that’s what was supposed to happen?”

“No, it wasn’t just that. I’ve known Ev since we were five, he doesn’t— you didn’t tell him that I apologised, did you?”

Connor shrugs.

“Oh my god, just say you didn’t!”

“Fine, I didn’t, okay? It was a long week, I forgot.”

Jared stays fuming silently for a few seconds. “Yes, long week. Of you going over to Evan’s place so he can kiss your ass every day, right?”

Connor can feel his anger boiling. “You d—”

But Jared isn’t finished. “Oh, let me guess what happened. Evan came back to school on Monday and had a panic attack, because he realised that your ass isn’t the only one he can stick his dick into!” His face is all red.

“You fucking asshole, Ev tried to kill himself, that’s what happened,” Connor blurts out before he realises what he has just said. Panicking, he turns to leave, but Jared is once again in front of him.

“Wait, wh— actually?” Jared’s voice is suddenly soft.

Connor pulls at his hair, groaning. “Yes! Fuck, Evan’s gonna kill me, I don’t think he wants anyone to know.”

“Oh shit, but… but I thought he was getting better, wasn’t he?”

“And how would you know that? You probably don’t even remember he has anxiety.” Connor glares down at Jared.

Jared raises his hands nervously. “What do you mean? Evan and I are friends.”

“Friends? Last I heard, you were using him for your car insurance.”

“Oh, uh… ” Jared says sheepishly. “Evan told you?”

Connor nods curtly.

“Okay, fine, I did use him for insurance. But not anymore!”

Raising his eyebrows, Connor says sarcastically, “Sure. I definitely believe that.”

“No, actually. When we were in… freshman year? Yeah, I think it was freshman. I wasn’t talking to him quite as much, because, okay, admit it, Evan’s not someone you can be with if you wanna go social, right? Anyways, Evan had a panic attack in front of my parents during a dinner we had together, and my mum knows he doesn’t really have like, friends, so she felt really bad for him and threatened not to pay for my car insurance if I don’t keep on being friends with Evan, which, I might add, was originally part of my birthday present, so that was plain mean. Well, dad said everything related to the car, so I just assumed.” Jared stops to take a deep breath. “But in the middle of junior year, my parents stopped paying for my insurance anyway, something because of responsibility? So I really didn’t have to talk to Evan anymore. But I grew to like that guy, a lot, so I continued being his friend. I just… kinda, um, left the minor detail that I’m not using him for my car insurance… out.”

Connor is really confused. “If you aren’t using Evan for your insurance, then why don’t you just tell him that? Why are you keeping it a secret that you want to be friends with him?”

Jared smacks his head in exasperation. “Don’t you get it? If Evan thinks I’m using him for car insurance, it’s a guarantee that I’ll stick with him, right?”

“N—no, but go on.”

“Okay, you know how insecure he can get. All the time. If I tell him that I’m not forced to be friends with him anymore, and that I’m there on my own accord, what do you think will happen? He’ll start worrying himself over how I might hate him and leave him anytime he says or does one small thing wrong. I’ll bet he’s probably scared that you’re not going to suck his dick today afterschool just because he didn’t put a full stop after one of his texts or something. I know it’s cruel, I know, but at least this way we won’t be wasting half of the time we have to hangout together making sure I don’t hate him and stuff.”

Eyeing Jared warily, Connor shakes his head. “You are so weird.”

“Then can you— please, just tell him I’m sorry?”

“Nope, you’re doing it yourself. Not by text, too. And tell him you’re not using him anymore, otherwise I’ll tell him for you.”

“Jeez, okay. Today afterschool?”

“Uh, Ev just changed his meds, I don’t… I don’t think it’s a good day. Okay, he might come to school tomorrow. If he does, then tell him at school. If he doesn’t, Zoe can drive us there after. But don’t quote me on that, I have to ask if it’s okay with Evan first.”

Jared flashes Connor a huge grin. “You’re the man, Murphy!”

“Don’t. Call. Me. That.” Connor tries to squirm away as Jared slaps him on the back. Hard.

After five agonising minutes of Jared trying to befriend him, Connor manages to escape, slipping into the library and sitting down on a beanbag. But before he can start doing some light reading, the speaker on the wall crackles and Connor can hear the principal clearing his throat.

“Good morning all. I will be reading out the names of seniors who should report to Mr Germaine at the academic counselling office at the first bell.”

Connor groans. He forgot about that. Something to do with discussing universities and shit. At least if he gets called, he would be skipping Bio. He hates Biology.

“Evan Hansen. Colin Harris. Paul Horvath. Theodore Jackson. Natalia Kane. Anush Khan. Jared Kleinman. Alice Lepsoe. Oliver Matthews. Connor Murphy. Annika Nigam. Please report to Mr Germaine at the academic counselling office punctually at the first bell. Thank you.”

Connor sighs and pries himself off the beanbag, slinging his bag over his head. He starts to make his way over to Mr Germaine’s office.

\------------ time cut ------------

“Connor Murphy!”

Shoving his phone back into his pocket, Connor stands up and follows Mr Germaine into his room, passing Oliver who has a huge grin on his face. Connor isn’t stupid. He knows this is where the school tells you that you have a shot at the Ivies or that you’re doomed for the rest of your life. Colin came out of the room frowning. Natalia skipped her way back to class. Jared threw Connor a peace sign. Alice was fully in tears.

Connor slips into the room and sits on the chair opposite Mr Germaine’s, bracing himself for the worst.

“Hi Connor. Let’s get to business, shall we?”

Connor shrugs in response.

Unfazed, Mr Germaine slides a folder onto the table between them. Connor can see that it is his Literature folder. Mr Germaine folds his hands in front of himself and rests them on the table.

“AP Literature. A strong A, Me Griffiths says you’re his best student. I presume you want to major in this for college?”

“Oh, uh, I didn’t— I haven’t actually, um, thought about it… that much.”

“That’s okay. But I advise you to start thinking soon. This is your last year, after all.” Mr Germaine slides two other folders onto the table. “AP Chemistry and AP Calculus. Both solid As, according to your teachers. They are pretty confident you’ll do well in your APs, so we won’t be talking much about them today.”

Nodding, Connor shifts a bit in his seat, getting a bit restless.

Mr Germaine slides a fourth folder onto the table. “The only subject I am concerned about for you is Biology. You have more absences in Biology than times you actually decided to attend that class, you never do your homework and Ms Davidson says when you do attend, you only sleep or draw. At this rate, you might be able to pull a C but definitely not anything higher.” He leans back in his chair. “Connor, I gather your parents, perhaps you too, want you to get into some of the Ivy League schools?”

“Wait, how do you—” Connor then remembers that his mum is one of the heads of the Parent Teacher Association or whatever absurd name they call it. “Oh yeah, never mind, yes. I mean, yeah, I do want to get into the Ivies, but isn’t it like, super hard, like— I don’t know, you said I’m getting a C in Bio, right?”

“For now. You got a marginal A for your two tests in Biology so far. If you keep that up and do all of your homework with that same quality, there is no doubt you can get a solid B, maybe even pull an A. That might be able to get you into one or two Ivy League schools. Who knows?”

Connor feels oddly relieved. He doesn’t know why he does, though, since he has never once thought about what he would do past high school. He shouldn’t have to, because if he hasn’t started talking to Evan on the first day of senior year, he probably would have— never mind.

At that moment, Mr Germaine starts talking again. “But…”

Connor cringes. There goes the ‘but’. Of course there is. He isn’t Connor Murphy for nothing after all.

Feeling his heart rate go up, Connor can’t help but feel a bit worried. What is it Mr Germaine is going to say? What if they found his weed stash from sophomore year or something?

“But what I’m truly worried about, Connor, is your attendance rate. In the one month since this school year has started, you have had eight full days of unexcused absences. That is eight more than Harvard would accept. Or Princeton. Or Yale.” Mr Germaine thumps the table with his fist for effect.

“Um, then how— what can I… what can I do?” Connor mumbles, picking at the loose threads from the chair.

“Well, I talked to your teachers. They understand that you’re a really bright student who is just having a bit of trouble adjusting to senior life, and they all agreed to overlook those absences, on the condition that you hand in all your homework on time and also have no more unexcused absences for the rest of the year.”

Connor knows he is not ‘just having a bit of trouble adjusting to senior life’, but he knows better than to not keep his mouth shut. “Okay. Thanks, I guess.”

“Don’t thank me, you need to make the choice yourself.”

They talk a bit more on university choices, where Connor replies to with ‘Harvard’ every single time. It’s not that he really wants to go there, but it’s the one most people want and Connor just wants to get the questions asked and done as quickly as possible. As they wrap up, Connor stands up to leave, but Mr Germaine stops him before he can.

“Wait a minute, Connor.”

Connor turns around, his hand still on the doorknob. “Yeah?”

“You’re friends with Evan…” Mr Germaine looks down at his papers. “Hansen. Evan Hansen?”

Connor shifts his weight from one foot to the other, evidently uncomfortable. “Um, yeah, why do you know…?”

“Mr Kleinman made several… inappropriate jokes about the two of you.”

Pretty sure he is turning bright red, Connor hastily says, “He always does that. None of it is true.”

Mr Germaine stares at Connor for one second before breaking his gaze. “Yes, anyways, can you help me tell Evan to come find me as soon as he comes back to school? I need to discuss his university choices with him.”

“Yeah, okay.” Connor wrenches open the door and is about to walk out the door when—

“I guess you can relay that message to Evan when you go to his house…” Mr Germaine smirks. “Kissing his ass, or something.”

Reeling in shock, Connor stumbles out of the office with Mr Germaine chuckling quietly behind him. He’s never going to let Jared go for this one. Not now, not ever.

\------------ time cut ------------

Zoe pulls into Evan’s driveway. Wordlessly, Connor lifts his hand to open the door.

“Nuh uh, not yet.”

Connor sighs, making sure he sounds as annoyed as he can. “What?”

Zoe turns to look at Connor straight in the eye. “Do you like Evan?”

“Huh?”

“Evan. Do you like him?”

Keeping his voice steady, Connor pretends he doesn’t know what Zoe is trying to do. “Um, yeah? We’re friends, Zoe. We’re supposed to like each other, that’s the theory.”

“No, not like that, dumbass. Do you like like him?”

“Like like? What are we, in middle school?”

“You’re avoiding my question.”

“No, I don’t,” Connor says, his voice wavering slightly.

“Sure.” Zoe’s voice is filled with sarcasm.

“I really don’t. Like, Evan’s really cute. That I admit. But just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I like every single cute boy that comes my way. I mean, sure, Evan has really pretty eyes, and his dimples make my heart melt, and he still looks insanely cute when he has bedhead, and— oh no.” Connor buries his face into his hands, realising just how much he has said.

Zoe hoots triumphantly. “I knew it!” She yells, slapping the steering wheel with her palm repeatedly. “I knew it!”

“Okay, fine, shut up, maybe I do like him. A bit. But that doesn’t mean anything, okay? Evan’s straight, he likes y— someone else. And even if he suddenly turned gay or bisexual or whatever, face it, Zo, why would he choose to like someone like me?”

Zoe gives him a look that Connor can only describe as pity.

“Alright, I’m out.” Connor opens the car door and steps out, feeling Zoe’s eyes burning into the back of his head. He decides that he has had enough self-pity for the day, knowing that he has to eventually face the truth that he’s going to die sad. To die alone. To die forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was kind of having writers block when i was writing this chapter and im not bothered to change that much so
> 
> sorry!!
> 
> tHrEe ChApTeRs TiLl ThE bIg AnGsT (this keyboard should really be featured soon)


	16. come and go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ev, hey.”
> 
> “Huh?” Evan sits up slowly, blinking rapidly, trying to force the sleepiness away.
> 
> “It’s almost ten-thirty and we have school tomorrow. Go back to bed.”
> 
> Evan stands up. “O— okay.” He stumbles as soon as he tries to take a step.
> 
> Holding out his hands, Connor quickly steadies Evan and helps him to his bed. Immediately, Evan collapses onto the bed and snuggles under his blanket. He stares at Connor for one last second before closing his eyes.
> 
> “Thanks, Con.”
> 
> “Anything for you, Ev.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attacks and suicidal thoughts i guess
> 
> someone applaud me for finally finishing one whole chapter in a day

Thursday after school. Connor reluctantly walks up to where Jared is leaning against his car. 

“Evan said it’s fine if you go to his house, but he almost had a heart attack when I first told him you wanted to apologise and it took an hour for me to calm him down because he was convinced you wanted to kill him for revenge or something. So please, no banter, at least not yet.”

Jared grins widely. “You got it, bro.”

“I’m not your bro.”

Laughing loudly, Jared opens his car door and slides into the driver’s seat. “Be thankful you get shotgun!” He shouts before slamming the door, hard.

Connor groans inwardly, already knowing that it is going to be a long day and climbs into Jared’s car as well.

As Jared pulls into the driveway, he asks, “Is Heidi home?”

“I don’t think so.” Connor gets out of the car and goes directly to the backdoor. 

“Oh, you got the spare key privileges as well? Sick.”

That Monday Heidi showed Connor their spare key hidden under the plant next to the back door. She said, “Whenever I’m not home and if Evan’s too busy to answer the door or something, you can still get in. It’s the least I can do to repay you, sweetie.” But Connor clearly knows what she meant was “whenever I’m not home and if Evan’s too busy killing himself you can get in to stop him.”

Connor doesn’t bother answering Jared and simply bends down to take the key, opening the door. He starts walking up the stairs but stops when he realises Jared is following him. 

“Okay, no. You’re staying here.”

Jared raises his hands in surrender. “Jesus, fine.”

Connor knocks on Evan’s door. “Ev? It’s me.”

No answer. Panicking, Connor grabs the doorknob and wrenches the door open, and falls back with a sigh when he sees Evan sitting at his desk. Staring at a pile of work Connor assumes Alana Beck or someone else brought over for Evan. With a terrified expression.

“Hey. Evan, you good?” Connor taps Evan’s shoulder.

Evan jumps ten feet into the air, his eyes wild until they find Connor’s. “S— sorry, sorry, just, uh, just th— thinking…” he says, breathing heavily.

Connor leads Evan to the bed. “Okay, breathe.”

After he makes sure Evan has calmed down significantly, Connor goes over to Evan’s desk to check out the pile of papers.

“Calculus? What made you freak out about that?”

“I— I wasn’t freaking out.”

“You were on the edge of a panic attack, Evan.”

Evan picks at his fingers. “I just— Alana brought over the, um, the homework, and it just h— hit me that I, that I have been school for four— no, three days this entire month and, it’s our senior year and I need a scholarship to be able to afford college and I can’t, I can’t fail my exams— but the worst thing is my an— my anxiety it’s getting so bad and I don’t know if this new med would work, and if it doesn’t it’s gonna make me so freaked out about my exams and I’m going to fail all of them because— I don’t, I’m not like you, you’re so so smart and you can basically ace anything but my brain freezes up whenever I get the tiniest bit scared and the only subject I feel relaxed doing is environment science, but Jared says it’s not even an official science and—”

A voice rings out from downstairs. “Sorry I said that, Evan. Environmental science is the best science.”

Evan splutters into silence. Connor snorts. 

“J— Jared?” Evan raises his voice a bit.

“No, who’s that? My name is Samuel Seabury and I present free thoughts on the proceedings of the continental congress.”

“Jared. Cut it out.” Connor yells, his voice full of warning.

“Fine, Yes, ‘tis me.” Silence. “Can I come up now?”

“Wait until I tell you to come up.” Connor looks over at Evan. “If you don’t want him to, it’s fine. I can—”

“N— no, I can, I should get it over… with.” Evan inhales shakily and squeezes his eyes shut, his breathing becoming erratic and uneven.

“Okay, Evan, hey.” Connor rubs Evan’s arm with his hand. “You need to ground yourself, come on, touch your blanket, your pillow, yes, those are real, try not to think too much. Tell me five things you see?”

Evan takes a shuddering breath and yanks his eyes open, glancing around. “Uh, the b— bed, window, uh, my desk, y— you and um, I— clock…”

“Good. Four things you touch?”

“Blanket, b— bedsheet, um, uh, p— I can’t, I’m sorry.” Evan lifts his trembling legs up onto the bed and curls up, hands holding his head.

Connor can practically hear the thoughts running through Evan’s head. After a few more minutes of trying to calm him down to no success, Connor murmurs to Evan, “I’m going to run down really quickly to get your meds. Try to breathe, please? Can you do that for me?”

“O— okay…”

Running down the stairs two steps at a time, Connor barely glances Jared’s way as he opens Evan’s bag, searching for the pill bottle. 

“He’s having an attack. Not a normal one. He’s not crying, but—” Connor sighs. “Too many thoughts, I think.” He goes back to focus on trying to find the bottle. Finally, Connor retrieved the bottle from the bottom of the bag and realises that Jared is gone, probably in Evan’s room.

“Fuck. Fuck. Jared?” Connor shouts, running up the stairs again.

He gets upstairs, out of breath, and gets greeted with a totally unexpected scene, where Jared is hugging Evan with one hand and rubbing his back with the other. Evan, meanwhile, has calmed down for the most part.

Connor can’t believe his eyes. “Wh— Jared, how did you— that was quick, how did you do that…”

Jared looks up and smirks at Connor. “I have my secrets. You seriously didn’t think I know how to do this?” He takes a deep breath and beams at Connor victoriously, before yelling, “Shame!”

Connor winces. “Okay, we get it. Uh, Ev? You feeling better?”

“S— sorry, I didn’t mean to freak out like that. I, I’m fine… better now.” Evan untangles himself from Jared’s arms and excuses himself to the bathroom.

Jared’s eyes follow Evan out before turning them back towards Connor. “See? Apology done.”

“What? No, I believe you’re supposed to say sorry for an apology? Have you been living under a rock for your whole life?”

“You’re not fun at all, Conman.” Jared huffs.

“What the fuck is that name?”

“I believe it’s called a nickname? Or have you been living under a rock for your whole life?”

Connor is about to retort when Evan comes back. Jared sits up. “Okay, Evan, it has come to my attention that I have been quite mean to you, and here I am, forced—” Jared glares at Connor. “To apologise to you in person and uh, to tell you something else.”

Standing up, Connor tousles Evan’s hair. “That’s my cue. Good luck with Kleinman. Just shout if you can’t take it anymore.” He leaves the room without another word.

Jared comes back down after half an hour, giving Connor a lopsided grin. “All set.”

“You apologised?”

“Yeah.”

“And you told him about the car insurance thing as well?”

“Yes, mother.”

Connor ignores the banter. “How did Ev take it?”

Jared shrugs. “Eh, I had to talk him down from another anxiety attack, but he’s fine now, I think.”

“Okay, good, good.” Wringing his hands, Connor steps toward Jared to face him. “Are you leaving now?’

“Jesus Christ, Connor, are you really this eager to get rid of me?” Jared has a twinkle in his eyes.

“I’m not trying to get r—”

“Going to suck Evan’s dick, aren’t you?”

“Okay, get out!” Connor literally kicks a cackling Jared out of the door, takes a minute to straighten himself out before going up to Evan’s room again.

Evan is sitting on his bed with his head leaning against the headboard and his eyes closed. The bags under his eyes are as dark and prominent as ever. Connor doesn’t know how he hasn’t noticed them sooner. He tentatively goes over to sit next to Evan, making the latter flinch a little, sitting up.

“I— I’m sorry for, for today…”

Connor furrows his brows. “What do you mean? Evan, you have nothing to be sorry for, you know that, right? Panic attacks, you—”

“Can’t control them, yeah, I know,” Evan whispers. “But I— it’s just that, a lot of people, their parents are divorced too, and they don’t, they won’t be like me. I’m not normal, why can’t I be normal?”

Knowing that he can’t win this argument, Connor bites his lips, holding Evan close. “Hey. Don’t beat yourself up over this, please?”

“O— okay, I… I’ll try.” Evan stifles a yawn, then two, rubbing at his eyes.

“You tired?”

“Yeah, I— I didn’t really sleep well these few days…” Immediately after saying that, Evan seems to regret his words.

“Why? I thought you were sleeping better with the new meds.”

Evan sighs. “It’s not that I can’t sleep, but—”

“But what?” Connor looks at Evan in obvious concern.

Glancing around, Evan mumbles, “Nightmares.”

“N— nightmares? Evan, then why didn’t you tell your mum? Or Dr Sherman? They c—”

“It’s probably nothing. I— it’s just side effects. They’ll go after, after a while, I think. I just need— I should give the meds more time to work.” Evan yawns again, his entire frame drooping with exhaustion.

Seeing that, Connor pulls away and stands up. “If you say so. Get some sleep, no offence, but you don’t look good. You’re going to school tomorrow, right? I can stay here, if you want?”

“Yeah. I— if you can, please.”

Connor smiles and lifts up his bag from Evan’s desk. “I’ll go put down my stuff in the guest room first. I’ll come back.”

“Can you, uh, sleep in here… too? On my bed…”

“You want me to stay here with you?” Connor attempts to hide the huge smile on his face.

“Y— yeah, do— can you?”

“Of course.” Connor puts down his bag next to the desk, fishing out his Biology homework to work on.

After a while, Connor turns around from Evan’s chair, hearing Evan’s steady breathing. Evan is curled up, fast asleep, his good arm cradling his broken one. Connor smiles to himself, turning back to his work.

It is about an hour later when suddenly Evan starts thrashing violently in his sleep, pain etched into his forehead. Connor rushes over to the bed, but he doesn’t know if he should wake Evan up.

The problem solves itself for Connor when Evan jerks and jolts up himself, eyes wide. He is shaking really badly, and from his eyes dancing around wildly, Connor knows Evan is not fully awake yet, the dream still circling around him, trying to infect him.

“Evan. Evan,” Connor says as softly as possible, trying not to alarm Evan too much.

Evan’s eyes snap towards Connor. “C— Connor?”

“Yeah, it’s me. You’re okay, I’m here.” Connor lifts his hand, but hesitates. “Can I... touch you?”

Evan nods, trembling.

Cautiously, Connor wraps his hands around Evan, murmuring soothing words to him. When at last Evan wakes up fully and his body stops shaking so badly, Connor slowly releases his hold.

“Is it always this bad?”

“Y— y— yeah, sometimes...”

“You need to tell someone,” Connor whispers into Evan’s ear, tousling his hair.

“M— maybe, if it does, if it gets worse. It can just, just be a bad... period.”

Connor leaves it at that. He knows he can’t persuade Evan any further. “Okay. You should rest. You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to, but you need to rest. I’ll just be there doing my Bio homework.”

Evan nods, leaning against his bed. Connor goes back to doing his Biology work, sighing as he does so. He hates Biology. It just comes hard to him like math comes hard to other people. Getting stuck on one particular question after a few minutes, Connor groans and hits his head on the desk, swearing quietly to himself.

“Con? Are you— um, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing. I’m fine.” Connor sits up and attempts to smile.

Evan silently gets up from his bed, drags a chair over to his desk and sits down next to Connor.

“Do you need help with Bio?” Evan asks quietly.

“No— fine. Yes. Yes, I do. I suck at this.”

Staring at Connor, Evan doesn’t hesitate before saying, “You don't.”

Connor sighs and starts talking with an edge to his voice. “I do. Look, you aced one of the hardest APs when you were a sophomore, okay? And here I am, a senior, and I’m on my way to seriously failing that same AP. Yeah, I’m shit at this. I’m not gonna get into any universities, and then I’m stuck at home for another year, which is great. Just great.” He turns and realises that Evan has squeezed his eyes shut. “Oh shit, Ev, shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get so loud.”

Evan carefully opens his eyes. He inhales shakily. “It’s okay. If... if you need it, I can help? Th— the Biology thing...”

“Yeah, sure, uh, yeah thanks.”

Edging closer to Connor, Evan leans forward to look at the Biology homework. “Wh— which part do you not... understand?”

“I don’t get how— like, why doesn’t this data match the calculations? Aren’t they supposed to fucking be the same? I calculated it a hundred times, I don’t know what’s happening.”

Evan lifts up the paper and scrutinises it for what seems like ten years to Connor. 

At last he puts it down. “You, uh, you don’t need to add the water potential into your calculations too. Because you’re comparing, you don’t have to… um, the water potentials cancel out, and s— so it matches if you, if you don’t add it.”

“Oh my god, yeah. I’m so stupid. Thanks, Ev.”

Evan ducks down, smiling, his face red. “It’s nothing.”

“I think I’m good now. Sorry I stole you away from you and your rest. You can go back.”

Shaking his head, Evan bites his lip. “I don’t… it’s fine, I don’t want to always be in bed. I start thinking then I can’t, can’t really stop.”

After a while, Evan folds his arms onto the table, resting his head on them and falls asleep, but Connor can’t bear to wake him up. When Connor finishes his homework for the day, he stretches, checking his watch and realises that it is getting late. He shakes Evan gently. 

“Ev, hey.”

“Huh?” Evan sits up slowly, blinking rapidly, trying to force the sleepiness away.

“It’s almost ten thirty and we have school tomorrow. Go back to bed.”

Evan stands up. “O— okay.” He stumbles as soon as he tries to take a step.

Holding out his hands, Connor quickly steadies Evan and helps him to his bed. Immediately, Evan collapses onto the bed and snuggles under his blanket. He stares at Connor for one last second before closing his eyes.

“Thanks, Con.”

“Anything for you, Ev.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok just curious based on my talking style or whatever how old do u guys think i am


	17. if i could tell him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wants to do nothing more at that moment than to kiss Evan and shut him up. And suddenly he isn’t wanting it, he is doing it. His hands are cupped against Evan’s cheeks, his lips pressed against Evan’s. It’s the best feeling in the world, until—
> 
> Evan pulls away, his face bright red, mouth gaping open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for a chockful of spiraling and suicidal thoughts

Connor can hear Evan's breathing getting faster and faster. Reaching over, he squeezes Evan’s hand. 

“Relax. You’re going to be okay. Just take deep breaths, go find Mr Germaine, and then your classes. Remember if you don’t feel okay, just go to the nurse. I’ll see you at lunch, yeah?” 

Evan shifts from one foot to the other, picking at the hem of his shirt. “Kay.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor is sitting with Zoe and Jared at lunch. Zoe because all of her friends have a different lunch period as she does on Fridays, and Jared because he insists on them becoming bros. Not having any classes with Evan for the entire morning, Connor is naturally worried, and he cranes his neck towards the door leading to and from the cafeteria every minute or so.

Finally, Connor spots Evan. But unlike usually, Evan isn’t walking alone. He’s walking with a girl that Connor thinks is from their Calculus class. Her name is something like Mia. No, Myra. Connor keeps his eyes on them as they get nearer to where he is sitting, and Evan, catching Connor’s eye, waves to him. Evan seems exhausted, his eyes sunken in, but he has a tired smile on his face. He turns to say something to Myra-girl and she replies, giving Evan a quick hug before walking away. Jealousy fills Connor and he immediately squashes it down; it's not his place to feel protective, reminding himself painfully that Evan is just his friend. 

Evan slides into the seat next to Connor’s, saying softly, “Hey.”

“Who’s the girl?” Zoe leans forward and grins.

Jared twists in his seat. “Wait, what girl?”

Blushing, Evan rubs his head with his hands. “It— she’s from my, uh, Environmental Science class. Her name is Maya…”

Maya. That’s her name. Connor clenches and unclenches his fist over and over again. “Also Calculus. She’s in our Calculus class.”

Evan looks over at Connor in mild surprise, bags under his eyes. “Really? I didn’t notice.”

“So you and Maya… aren’t close?” Connor wants to hit himself for barging into what is clearly Evan’s own business, but he has to ask. He has to.

“N— no, we talked today for… for the first time, um, today. What— what’s wrong?” Confused, Evan furrows his brows.

Connor can hear his voice becoming edgy, but he can’t control it. “Well, you guys seem really close. She hugged you. I saw it.”

“Jesus Christ, Connor! Stop harassing him.” Zoe slaps his arm. Hard. 

“I didn’t— Connor, I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry, you— I shouldn’t have…” Evan takes a shaky inhale, his entire body starting to tremble with jittery energy as his anxiety takes over. 

“Shoot,” Connor stands up, squeezing Evan’s shoulder as he bends down. “Shoot. Evan. Hey, Ev. Can you look at me?”

After a few seconds, Evan cautiously adjusts his gaze. “Y— okay.”

“Ev, you didn’t do anything. I was the one who’s wrong, okay? You don’t have to apologise. I’m sorry, it’s not my business who your friends are.” 

From the corner of his eye, Connor can see Jared gesturing to Zoe before leaving. He has a project to do or something.

Evan nods hesitantly, trying to stifle a yawn but failing miserably. Concern immediately shows on Connor’s face.

“Hey, uh, you look really tired. Do you wanna sleep a bit? I’ll wake you up for class.”

“Oh, uh, no I— it’s fine… I’m fine.” Evan yawns again.

Connor raises his eyebrows.

Turning red, Evan rubs at his eyes. “Okay, maybe I’m, um, a bit tired…”

“Then rest. It’s fine, I’ll stay here. You can use me as a pillow, after I put my tray away.”

Evan nods and when Connor comes back from disposing of his lunch tray, he sees Evan’s head in his arms, slumped against the table. Connor taps Evan’s shoulder gently, trying to get Evan to sleep in a more comfortable position. Evan’s eyes flutter open and he looks at Connor blearily, but it isn’t long before his eyes get too heavy for him to keep open and Evan falls back to sleep. Smiling softly to himself, Connor sits back down, where Zoe is staring at him with a bemused expression.

“What?”

Zoe smirks. “You’re kind of obvious, you know.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s true. Just ask him out, for God’s sake.”

Connor shakes his head vigorously. “What the fuck? No, I can’t do that. Evan’s obviously straight.”

“How do you know?”

“He told me he likes, uh, this girl from our school? I don’t know if he still does, but like. Point is, he’s most certainly straight, okay? End of story.”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but that doesn’t make him straight.”

Zoe receives a stomp on the foot.

The bell rings eventually, and Connor rubs Evan’s back, waking him up. Evan lifts his head up and Connor can see the bags under his eyes clear as day.

“Hey, um, do you… it’s okay if you wanna skip the last two periods? I can’t drive you home because I can’t skip, but you can, uh, go lie down at the nurse or something if you want to.”

Evan’s eyes widen. “N— no, I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then,” Connor says, dragging out the syllables. “It’s Literature, let’s go.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor drags himself out of the world of his book when the bell signalling the end of school rings. He absolutely adores silent reading class which is once every week, since reading is one of the only coping mechanisms he has that doesn’t involve weed and alcohol.

Looking over at where Evan’s is sitting, Connor can see him nodding off behind his book, trying so hard not to fall asleep. Connor allows himself a small chuckle before he packs up, walking over to Evan and places his hand gently on Evan’s back, careful not to scare him.

Evan snaps up, going tense. “Sorry, sorry, I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to fall as—” he relaxes slightly when he sees that it is Connor. “O—oh, uh, hi, sorry…”

Amused, Connor splits a grin. “Come on, school’s over. Let’s go over to your place.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Evan pinches himself whenever he gets near to falling asleep in the car, which is so many times that Connor almost yells at Evan to just go to sleep. Finally, they get to Evan’s house and Connor helps Evan get out of the car and into the house, where Evan collapses on the couch immediately, falling asleep within a few seconds. Connor resolves to studying for his Biology test to pass the time.

A few hours later, Evan coughs and stirs, opening his eyes halfway and blinking sleepily at Connor.

Connor, hearing the noise, turns around. “Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

Evan sits up, rubbing at his eyes furiously. “What… how long was I—” he interrupts himself with a big yawn. “H— how long was I, um, out for?”

“Not that long, uh, a few hours? Around three?” Connor shrugs, eyeing the clock on the wall.

Evan’s mouth falls open. “Three hours? That’s… that’s so much, I— you didn’t have to stay here, I’m so sorry! I— I’m so annoying, oh my god, you—”

“Jesus Christ, Evan.” Connor bursts out laughing. Just then, another thought occurs to him and he smirks. “If you really feel this bad about it, you could play Mario Kart with me to make up for it? If you feel like it?”

The boys play Mario Kart for a while, which is when Connor learns that Evan is insanely good at the game. Like, not just good. But Evan is absurdly good to the level where it’s not funny how he crushes Connor every time anymore. After a while, though, Connor realises that Evan is getting jumpy from the sound effects, his hands are twitching on the controller and his eyes are kind of glazed over, which Connor knows always happens when Evan is spiralling.

Connor knows he needs to do something, so he pauses the game and turns to face Evan. He sees just how seriously Evan is spiralling when he doesn’t even realise that Connor has paused the game and continues staring down blankly at the controller, randomly twiddling some buttons.

“Ev.” 

Evan doesn’t react, just takes a harsher breath. 

“Evan.” Connor raises his voice a little.

Dropping the controller with a clatter, Evan jolts up, his entire body tense. He looks around wildly, until Connor’s hand lands on his shoulder gently and he sags, shakily exhaling.

“What’s wrong?”

Evan knows there’s no point trying to hide it from Connor anymore. Connor always sees through his act. “I— I don’t really know, there’s not— it’s not like there’s one thing, one specific thing that is making me super anxious, b— but I… I don’t know, I keep on worrying that— I’m scared, Connor.” Evan looks up at Connor with teary and desperate eyes. “I can’t, like, I thought the meds would make me better immediately, or something, but now I just— I worry that I just would… never get better. I can’t be like this forever. I— I would rather die than always be, be this way, be like this. Broken. I really, Connor, would I be like this… forever? A— am I just going to always let, let my anxiety get over me? I’m so broken, I can’t even—”

Connor wants to do nothing more at that moment than to kiss Evan and shut him up. And suddenly he isn’t wanting it, he is doing it. His hands are cupped against Evan’s cheeks, his lips pressed against Evan’s. It’s the best feeling in the world, until—

Evan pulls away, his face bright red, mouth gaping open.

The full reality of what he has just done finally dawns upon Connor. “Fuck. Oh fuck. Ev, I didn’t mean to— shit, I’m so sorry. Why did I do that? I— okay, there’s no point keeping it from you anymore, I like you, Ev, like romantically, a lot, but I understand that you don’t, and— and it’s fine! Perfectly fine. I know you don’t like me in that way, and I’m happy for us to be just friends, because you’re straight, I know you are, and even if you aren’t, you wouldn’t— why would you like someone like me? I know you like Zoe, I’m so stupid, I sh—”

“I— uh, I don’t like Z— Zoe any… anymore.” Evan is looking anywhere but at Connor.

Reeling a bit in shock, Connor blinks, pausing momentarily. He hasn’t expected that. “Oh, um, that— that’s good? Shit, I didn’t mean ‘good’ that I’m going to try and pine for you now, but ‘good’ that you… figured out your, um, f— feelings?” He cringes at himself.

Finally, Evan looks up, staring straight into Connor’s eyes. “I like someone else.”

Connor realises that this is the one sentence Evan has said today where he hasn’t stuttered in. He allows himself one moment of hope before it shatters completely. Stupid Connor, stupid brain. Of course Evan isn’t talking about you, you dickhead. If he is, he wouldn’t have pulled away when you idiotically tried to kiss him, or he would at least have told you, right? Right? Yeah, there’s definitely someone else. It’s probably someone who shares Evan’s interest in trees, or who takes Environmental Science— Maya. That’s it. It all makes sense. It all fits perfectly. The blushes, the hug. Evan and Maya. Maya and Evan. It even has a good ring to it, Connor thinks bitterly.

He pulls himself back into reality. “Oh,” Connor says stupidly. “Uh, who… you don’t have to tell me, but if you want, who—”

Evan stands up abruptly and mumbles, “I need the toilet.”

Helplessly, Connor watches as Evan staggers out of the living room and hears the bathroom door close. A few minutes later, Connor’s phone chimes, signaling a new text message.

Evan:  
It’s getting late, you should leave.

You:  
ok  
im really sorry i really am

Connor sighs, knowing he should let Evan have some alone time. Stepping outside the house, he texts Zoe to come and pick him up, wondering how the hell he would be able to fix this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry but ur welcome:)


	18. the great divide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is about to panic himself from seeing Evan so worked up. “Ev, what’s wrong, Ev—“
> 
> He moves forward to squeeze Evan’s hand but Evan twists away, this time planting his legs onto the floor and standing up.
> 
> “C— can you, please, j— just leave, pl— please...”
> 
> Connor is getting frustrated. “Why? What did I do, Ev? Please, can you just tell me?” He takes one step forward.
> 
> Stumbling back, Evan shakes his head in quick jerky movements, his breath hitching in his throat. “I ca— can’t, I— I’m sor— sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the big angst (that no one wanted but i was somehow depressed enough to write) in all its glory
> 
> TW for panic attack suicide shit and everything else

Monday morning. Connor feels like he is sitting on pins and nails as Zoe pulls up to Evan’s driveway. He can see Evan making his way to the car, purposely avoiding Connor’s gaze. Evan lifts his hand to the door for the backseats, where Connor is sitting, where Evan has always sat. But he hesitates. Before Connor can react, Evan has stepped towards his right, opening the passenger seat door and sliding into the shotgun seat. 

“Hey, Zoe,” Evan says quietly. He doesn’t even acknowledge Connor’s presence.

Connor forces himself to keep his mouth shut. When Zoe looks at him through the rearview mirror with a confused expression, he only shakes his head, looking down at his lap. He deserves it. He deserves it.

Evan gets out of the car like his butt is on fire as soon as Zoe parks at the school parking lot. Connor tries to flee as well, but Zoe stops him before he can get out of the car.

“No, Connor, not before you tell me what’s going on.” Zoe folds her arms after she yanks Connor back into the car by the hood of his hoodie.

Slumping back into the seat, Connor exaggerates a sigh. “No.”

“Perhaps this will move things forward?” Zoe plasters a fake smile onto her face and promptly switches the child-lock on, leaving a spluttering Connor in its wake. She smirks wickedly. “No go until you tell.”

“Jesus, Zoe. Fine. Fine.” Connor takes a deep breath. “I kissed him.”

Gasping dramatically, Zoe clutches Connor’s arm tightly. “Evan?”

Connor rolls his eyes. “No, I kissed Larry.”

Fully beaming now, Zoe bounces up and down in her seat. “That’s great! Connor, you—”

“He pulled away. And has been ignoring me. As you can see.”

Zoe’s face morphs from one of happiness to a crestfallen one. “It— I’m really sorry, Connor…” She doesn’t know what to say.

Concealing his emotions in a mask like he always does, Connor stares blankly at Zoe. “Yeah, whatever, you got what you wanted, so can I leave now?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Zoe hastily unlocks the door and says an awkward goodbye to Connor’s back.

\------------ time cut ------------

On Tuesday, Zoe doesn’t even turn into Evan’s driveway. She speeds past it, just like they used to before she has started driving Evan to school. 

Connor almost falls out of his seat. “Wait, what? Zoe, where are you going? Evan— you just passed his house!” He can see Zoe trying not to look at him.

“Oh, uh, Evan texted me yesterday. He said, he told me Jared can drive him to school from now on. So… yeah, we don’t have to drive him anymore. I thought he would have told you…”

Connor can’t take it anymore. Evan has ignored him for the entire school day yesterday. He spirals in silence for the rest of the car ride and storms to find Jared as soon as he arrives at school.

“Jared.”

“Oh, hey.”

“What’s up with Evan?” Connor cuts straight to the point.

Jared only stares. “I should be the one asking you the question.”

“Huh?”

Folding his hands together, Jared gives Connor a grim smile. “Let me tell you what happened. So on a normal Friday night, Evan suddenly called me. I answered, naturally, since I’m a good friend.” Jared shoots Connor a nasty look. “I could tell immediately that he was having a panic attack, and the only word I could make out from all of his blubbering and rambling was your name. I went over to his house and calmed him down, but he wasn’t willing to tell me anything. These few days whenever I mentioned your name, Evan either clammed up or had panic attacks. So let me ask you, what the fuck did you do to him?”

Connor looks down at his hands. “I may have… accidentallykissedEvan.”

“You what?”

“I’m not saying it again.”

“Wait, wait.” Jared seems to be trying to wrap his head around it. “But isn’t Evan straight?”

“That’s the point, are you stupid?” Connor stares at Jared. 

“Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, I get it.”

Connor wants to smack Jared in the head but he stops himself. “Can you… can you help me tell him I’m sorry? And ask him what he wants me to do?”

“I— I’ll try. It’s not like it’s going to be easy, he starts hyperventilating whenever I say anything remotely similar to your name.”

“Yeah, okay.” A pause. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Connor knows that the only reason Jared is being so serious is because the situation isn’t good. At all. Meanwhile, Connor’s heart aches. He hasn’t gone one day without missing Evan’s soft smile, his dimples and the magnificent light in his eyes.

\------------ time cut ------------

It’s been three days since that talk with Jared. Three. Since then not only has Evan been ignoring Connor, but Jared has been too. Everytime Connor makes a beeline for Jared, Jared scurries away as quickly as possible, usually dragging Evan with him. At last, Connor is able to corner Jared in an empty hallway in between his classes. 

Jared chuckles nervously. “Oh, hey Connor! Haven’t talked to you in a while, right?”

“Cut that crap. You’ve been ignoring me. Why? What did Evan say?”

Fidgeting with his rainbow-coloured bracelet, Jared coughs awkwardly. “I can’t— It’s not my place to say.”

“Great. Thanks. I definitely know what to do now.”

“It’s not― all I can tell you is that it’s… it’s not the kiss?”

“The fuck?”

“I swear, it’s not. I mean, it definitely help boost it along the way, but it’s not―” Jared inhales. “It’s not the main reason why Evan is ignoring you.”

Connor is getting more and more confused by the second. He does not have any idea what else he has done to Evan that deserves a week of avoidance except for the kiss.

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor idly starts to copy Mr Flores’ notes off the board. He has just written down the date― 15th October, 2014― before he realises that Evan’s seat is empty. Is he sick? At that exact moment, a crumpled piece of paper lands on Connor’s lap. He gently flattens it out, smoothing out the wrinkles and proceeds to read it.

meet me at your locker after calc  
its serious

jared

Subtly glancing backwards, Connor can see Jared staring pointedly at his book. He shoves the note into his pocket, making a mental note for himself to go to his locker after class.

Jared gets there a few minutes late, huffing and puffing and out of breath. “S― sorry, I― Mr Flores, he wanted to, to see me after c―”

Waving his hand impatiently, Connor interrupts. “Whatever, it’s fine. What did you want to tell me?”

Before he opens his mouth, Jared looks behind him, as if checking for eavesdroppers. “Evan. If you didn’t notice, he isn’t at school. Mental health day. He sometimes has those when he’s having a bad day.”

“Uh… okay?”

“I’m not done, smartypants. He hasn’t had one of those since he met you. Until now. The point is, he needs you.”

Connor snorts. “Very funny. Evan’s been determined to ignore me. He hates me. Maybe he’s ditching me for the better. Have you thought of that?”

Jared purses his lips tightly. “Evan. Doesn’t. Hate. You. Okay? You have to trust me on this, please. I can’t tell you why, I promised Evan I wouldn’t tell. But this week he’s been having more panic attacks than ever, he’s crying himself to sleep every single night and all he mumbles in his sleep is your name. Come on, I don’t need to be smart to know he misses you. A lot. Just― come to his house today afterschool. Just today. Please? If it doesn’t work out, fine, I won’t bother you anymore. But I just don’t― I can’t bear to see Evan like this anymore, okay?” Jared’s voice softens, his eyes pleading.

Grumbling, Connor gives in. “Okay, fine. But Zoe’s driving me.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor waves goodbye to Zoe, who promises to pick him up when he texts, and follows Jared to Evan’s back door.

Jared cautiously opens the back door and peeks in, before putting his fingers to his lips. “He’s sleeping. Don’t make too much noise.”

Connor obliges, sitting down in an armchair opposite where Evan is sleeping.

After around half an hour of awkward silence, Evan stirs a bit, and Connor knows that he is waking up. Jared seems to know too, since he frantically gestures for Connor to get up from the armchair and starts pushing him towards Evan.

Connor stumbles to a stop right in front of Evan just as the latter opens his eyes. Evan looks confused for a second, before his eyes widen and he sits up instantly.

Trying his damn best to keep Evan calm, Connor says, “Hey Ev, it’s fine, you’re fine.” He can’t help but see the dark purple eye bags under Evan’s eyes and the way Evan is hunched over, like he no longer has any energy to sit up straight.

Evan swivels his head to look to his left and right, his face panicked. He is hyperventilating. “I— I’m s— sorry, Con... I’m sor—“ Tears start streaming down his face.

“Hey. It’s okay, I’m here.” Moving forward solely by instinct, Connor finds himself wrapping his arms around Evan’s body, breathing in the familiar smell of Evan’s natural shampoo he has all but missed.

For a few seconds, Evan leans into Connor’s embrace. But suddenly, he jolts back to reality and tenses up, pulling himself away from Connor. “I— I— I can’t, I—“ He starts crying harder and harder.

Connor is about to panic himself from seeing Evan so worked up. “Ev, what’s wrong, Ev—“

He moves forward to squeeze Evan’s hand but Evan twists away, this time planting his legs onto the floor and standing up.

“C— can you, please, j— just leave, pl— please...”

Connor is getting frustrated. “Why? What did I do, Ev? Please, can you just tell me?” He takes one step forward.

Stumbling back, Evan shakes his head in quick jerky movements, his breath hitching in his throat. “I ca— can’t, I— I’m sor— sorry.”

To Connor, Evan’s voice sounds distant, faraway even. White noise fills his head, but he can vaguely see himself moving forward again and hears his own voice yelling, “What did I do wrong, Ev?”

“I’m bi, C— Connor, I— I’m bi!” And now Evan is yelling too, not bothered to hide his tears anymore.

Connor pauses for one second, reeling in shock both from Evan’s words and the fact that this is the first time Evan has raised his voice in front of him. Taking advantage of this momentary silence, Evan continues shouting.

“I— I like you, but m— my dad, he wants me... t— to be straight, but I— I’m not— I can’t, I can't even d— do this one th— thing, to— that can make dad p— proud of me... I— I'm sorry, I like you, but we can't... I can't d— do this..." Evan crumples to the floor, sobbing and curling in on himself.

Connor can’t move. He can’t believe what he is hearing. He doesn’t try to step forward anymore. “Ev, I… I don’t—”

Evan’s voice is back to being broken, barely anything more than a whisper. “P— p— please, can you— just... just leave, pl— please…”

What the fuck. Connor isn’t going to leave now. He starts to move forward again, but this time Jared stops him, holding him back from advancing. 

Jared’s eyes are filled with a mixture of genuine worry and sadness. “You should… I’ll take care of this. You, uh, you should leave, for now. I’m sorry, man, I really am.”

Connor wants to argue but he can’t. He knows he really should leave. He nods numbly, letting Jared walk him to the front door. His brain is loud, his vision blurry. Jared opens the door. Connor hears Jared say something as he walks out of the front door. 

“I’ll text you tonight, so you can… so you can know when Evan’s okay.”

Connor doesn’t reply. Somehow his feet get him to the nearest bus stop, onto the bus and he ends up at his house, tears stinging at his eyes the entire way. He staggers into the house, up the stairs and into his room. It is only at the sound of his door slamming shut that the full reality of what has happened hits Connor, and—

Finally he breaks down. Connor takes a shaky little inhale that lies somewhere in between a gasp and a sob, and the tears start bursting out like a dam broken through. He buries his face into his hands, his entire body heaving as quiet sobs rip through his throat. For the longest time, Connor has always thought that the worst thing that would happen to him is Evan not liking him back. But this. This is worse. This is so, so, so much worse.

Finding himself stumbling to his bed, Connor collapses onto it, shoving his face into his pillow as muffled sobs fill the room.

“Connor?” It’s Zoe. 

Connor doesn’t hear her open the door, but oh well. A few seconds later, he can feel the left side of his bed sag down, and realises that Zoe has sat down next to his broken figure. Connor wants to hit her, push her, kick her, anything to get her out of the room, but he doesn’t have the energy to.

Gulping down air, Connor is losing air quickly enough to know that he needs to sit up to regulate his breathing, or else he’s going to pass out soon. But he can’t. His arms are shaking too much and maybe he should pass out, maybe he should just die now.

Suddenly, a hand squeezes Connor’s shoulder. 

“Connor, hey, breathe.” Zoe’s soothing voice whispers into his ear. “I’m going to help you sit up, okay? Remember what Dr Smith said, sitting up can help regulate your breathing.”

Zoe remembers. She remembers. From one of those family therapy sessions. Seven years ago. A fresh wave of sobs knocks Connor over, and he really is getting dizzy, he really is going to pass out.

Eventually but painfully, Zoe gets Connor to sit up. As Connor struggles to control his breathing, which isn’t easy since tears are still streaming down his face, he feels Zoe’s hand rubbing his back.

“Can you… you don’t have to tell me, but, uh, what happened…” Zoe trails off, as if she is scared Connor is going to lash out at her.

Connor takes a few seconds to steel himself. “E— E— Ev— Evan…” He chokes out, crumpling once more. Curling in on himself, Connor feels like his chest is caving in, his heart is going a mile a minute but he can’t breathe, he’s going to faint—

Arms wrap around Connor’s torso, slowly grounding him, bringing him back to earth. Zoe mutters reassuring words as she rubs Connor’s back in slow circles. It takes an hour for her to get Connor to control his breathing a bit, but it is almost three hours before she gets him all the way down.

The two siblings sit side by side in awkward silence for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say. Connor’s phone rings suddenly, saving them from the tension. He takes it out and holds it to his ear.

“Hello?” Connor’s voice comes out all raspy and dry, and he immediately clears his throat.

“Wow, you sound like shit.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyways, Evan just— he sort of like cried himself to sleep. Like, he wore himself out from his panic attack and just... uh, fell asleep. So, yeah... I—“ Jared sighs on the other end. “Evan’s always beating himself up over stuff about his dad, who straight up sucks, I gotta tell you that. So basically, there was this day in September when he went to visit Evan?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Yes, so Heidi made a joke about you two dating or whatever, uh, and Evan’s dad thought she was being serious and just... exploded. Told Evan that he is a disappointment. That his anxiety is making his brain haywire.”

“Oh.” Connor’s hand is trembling. He swallows the lump in his throat.

“I just want— I’ll try to get him to see that what his dad is saying isn’t true, but... but it’s hard.”

“Yeah, I know.” Connor’s voice cracks. He wipes at his eyes, where tears are building up again.

“Dude, are you crying?”

Connor doesn’t respond.

Jared hastily continues. “Uh, yeah, so... okay. I’ll text you if anything happens. You should... I know it’s hard, and I’m so sorry. I’ll let you go. Bye.” He hangs up.

Lowering his phone, Connor flips again so his stomach is pressed against his bed. 

“Connor? Uh, are you...” Zoe hesitantly starts.

Connor is pretty sure she has heard everything that Jared has said on the phone just now. He can’t deal with that at this moment. “Zoe, just... just go. Please,” he mumbles.

Zoe does, silently, and shuts the door quietly behind her.

As soon as the door fully shuts, Connor allows the tears to run down his face once again, his shoulders shaking as he half sobs, half gasps, desperately fighting for air. He curls up, burying his head in his pillow, and resolves to cry himself to sleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi dont kill me thanks


	19. everything's okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you,” Connor murmurs, before freezing when he realises just what he has said.
> 
> “I, I love y— you too.” Smiling softly, Evan snuggles into his blanket and slowly his breathing evens out, the smile not leaving his face even after he drifts off. 
> 
> Connor lets his face match Evan’s. He likes this. When Evan lets his brain rest and smiles like there isn’t any worry left in the world. Because when he does, Connor truly believes that Evan’s going to be okay. That they’re going to be okay. And everything’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attack suicidal thoughts and so much angst

Connor wakes up to his phone ringing nonstop. He groans, his head pounding from dehydration, and looks at the clock. Three thirty. Who the fuck would be calling him at this time?

Placing his hand on his bedside table, Connor gropes around for his phone and brings it above his face. 

7 missed calls from Jared

And right below that—

2 missed calls from Evan

1 new message from Evan:  
//

He bolts up in bed, now wide awake. Fumbling with his phone, Connor calls Jared back. 

Jared picks up on the second ring. “Oh thank fuck thank fuck.”

“Where’s Evan?” Connor stumbles to his closet, hastily putting his hoodie and shoes on, already prepared to leave.

“I don’t know! I was staying at his house, because Heidi has to work a night shift. So I was sleeping in his room, but he must have left sometime in the night and I didn’t hear it. He’s not anywhere in the house, and he’s not anywhere near it. I checked everywhere.”

“Fuck. Jared, fuck. Ev— he sent me... uh, it’s a thing I told him to send when he’s feeling, like, suicidal. I didn’t think he would ever use it, but he— he did. It’s got to be serious. Shit.” Connor trips over a book lying on the floor. “Where are you?”

“Gimme two. I’m coming to your place.”

Connor shoves his phone in his pocket as he leaves his room, trying to be as quiet as possible, which really isn’t working when his legs are still half asleep. 

Closing the front door behind him, Connor hooks his hair behind his ear as he tries to call Evan over and over again while he waits for Jared to come. It goes to voicemail every single time.

Jared gets there after what feels like an eternity, and Connor slides into the car.

“Ellison. Now.”

“What?”

“The park, Jared!” 

“I don’t know where that is!” They are both yelling now.

“Fuck! Just— fuck it. Just drive. I know how to get there, just turn when I tell you to.”

The two boys get there in a few minutes and as Jared kills the engine, Connor is already out of the car and racing across the yellow field. Soon enough, though, Connor knows that this search is hopeless. The park is so big and it’s basically pitch-black. At this rate, they’ll still be searching for Evan in a few hours. 

Jared comes up behind Connor, panting. “Are you sure he’s here?”

“I don’t know. Why would I know? I’m not a bird, I can’t—“ Connor almost runs into a tree. He stares at it like it holds all the secrets of the world, before snapping back to reality. “I’m climbing up.”

He kicks off his boots and pulls himself up onto the first branch. Up and up he goes, never stopping to hesitate or to take a breath. More than once, Connor almost slips, but adrenaline he doesn’t know he has fuels him on. Finally, Connor gets to the top and straddles the branch like a horse, the hair whipping in his face as he looks around for any sign of Evan.

Squinting, Connor scans the park, until eventually, finally, he catches a glimpse of blond hair under one of the trees near the back gate. Almost falling off the tree, Connor scrambles down, jumping down at the last two meters. He hits the ground with a thud.

“I know where he is, come on.”

Faster and faster Connor goes, until Evan’s still figure greets his sight. Evan is sprawled on the ground, and from the looks of it, he is unconscious. Connor’s heart plummets to the ground.

“Shit. No, Ev, please...”

Connor kneels down next to Evan, and frantically checks his arms and legs for something, anything. Connor doesn’t find any wounds on him, and Evan also doesn’t look like he overdosed. He just looks like he’s peacefully asleep, except—

Except for the part that he doesn’t wake up when Connor shakes him.

Connor can hear Jared arriving behind him, his breathing heavy. And then Connor’s crying, hard, a sob ripping through his throat as he continues shaking Evan, for him to please, please just wake up.

Jared’s calling 911. Connor numbly hears him telling them the address, when suddenly Evan gasps and his eyes fly open.

Connor squeezes Evan’s hand. “Evan! Ev, I’m here, I—“

Evan starts blubbering the second his eyes land on Connor. “I— I’m s—sorry, I, panic at— attack... couldn’t breathe, so I r— ran, park, and, and passed o—out, I, sor— sorry...”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Breathe, Evan, you have to breathe.” Connor can see that Evan is riling himself up again and is losing air too quickly.

Evan tries to say something but chokes, retching up phlegm and heaving heavily. He tries to take another breath, but it hitches in his throat. Connor looks on helplessly as Evan’s eyes roll to the back of his head, his body going limp once again.

Catching Evan’s head just in time before it hits the ground, Connor hears Jared say something to his phone.

“Oh wait, never mind, he passed out again.”

“Tell them to hurry up!” Connor screams. He doesn’t care anymore. He vaguely notices his breathing becoming erratic too, but it doesn’t matter now, nothing matters now except for Evan.

Jared nods and mutters something into the phone, before bending down next to Connor. “Did Evan say anything when he woke up?”

Connor sucks in a shallow breath. “Yeah, he said something about having a panic attack and, uh, not being able to breathe, so he ran to the park and I guess, um, he just passed out from not having enough air.”

Nodding rapidly, Jared relays that to the person on the other end of the line.

Connor feels numb. Hot tears are streaming down his face but he makes no move to wipe them away. Instead, he stares at Evan’s expressionless face. It’s all Connor’s fault. It’s all his fault. If he didn’t try to kiss Evan, Evan wouldn’t have ignored him. Evan wouldn’t have felt so alone that he had such a bad panic attack, so bad that he had to get out of the house and come here.

An ambulance gets here. Connor vaguely feels himself getting pulled off Evan. The white noise in his head is deafening. He only knows that he gets helped to the ambulance as well, and is given some kind of medicine for shock or whatever. Jared says something to him. Something about going in his own car and meeting Connor at the hospital. Connor thinks he nods. 

Somehow Connor gets himself together on the ambulance. Evan wakes up once, but he is quickly sedated when he starts panicking and thrashing around again. Just then, his phone starts pinging off the bat. It’s his mum and Zoe. They have probably just woken up and realised that Connor isn’t in his room. Sighing, Connor calls Zoe back.

“Connor? Connor, is that you?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh thank god! Mum, I got Connor on the phone. Connor, where are you?”

“Ambulance.”

“What? Why? Did you get hurt?”

“No, uh, it’s Evan.”

Zoe knows enough not to continue pushing Connor to talk. “Okay, okay. Dude, next time leave us a message or something, please? Mum was freaking out. Do you need a ride to school? I can come pick you up from the hospital.”

“Um, can I… can you ask mum if I can take a day off?”

Zoe is silent on the other end of the line.

Connor tries again. “Please?”

“I— I’ll try. You know how she is sometimes. But, Connor, are you… are you like, okay?”

Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, Connor stays silent for a few seconds. “I— I guess,” he mumbles.

Not long after hanging up on Zoe, the ambulance arrives at the hospital. Connor shoves his hands in his pockets and trudges in after the staff. He is barely through the door before someone barrels into him, causing Connor to stumble a few steps before catching himself. 

It’s Heidi. “Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry! I just heard, Jared told me, where’s—“

Connor silently points to a room on his left.

“Thank you, oh, thank you.” Heidi tousles Connor’s hair before dashing off.

Knowing that he has plenty of time and nowhere to go, Connor sits down on one of the waiting benches and stares at his hands. They’re trembling pretty badly. Sometime later Jared arrives at the hospital too, sliding down next to Connor.

“Hey.” Jared tries to meet Connor’s eye.

Connor doesn’t reply.

“Hey, Connor.”

Connor grunts in acknowledgement.

“Bro, look at me.”

Sighing, Connor gives himself a few seconds before raising his head slightly, looking at Jared’s concerned face.

“You know… you do know it’s not your fault, right? Don’t beat yourself up over this, okay?”

Connor shrugs and let his head drop again, deeming the conversation over.

But apparently Jared doesn't think so. He taps Connor's shoulder. “Hey, uh, Connor, I’m serious. Can you… can you just say something?”

About to burst, Connor clenches his fists, the anger and frustration from just everything dying to get out of him. Just as he decides to open his mouth to yell, the door to Evan’s room opens and a nurse rushes out. During the time that the door is open, Connor can clearly hear the bustling and voices from inside. He recognizes Evan’s voice. Immediately.

Connor instantly realises that Evan is crying really hard. “I— I, sor— sorry, I c— just, just let… me d— die, pl— please, please… I want, can C— Connor, where… I need, I need h— him—”

Hearing Evan like this makes Connor’s heart breaks.

“I’m sorry, honey. He can't come in now. But I’m here, I’m here, okay? Breathe, breathe, honey.” It’s Heidi.

“P— pl— please, mum, I— please, I ca— can’t, Connor… I need C— Con—”

Connor can’t take it anymore. He stands up abruptly, turning on his heels. Jared doesn’t follow him. Coming to a stop right outside the glass doors, Connor kicks his boots at the wall pointlessly as tears sting his eyes.

“Connor?”

Connor spins around immediately when he hears Heidi’s voice. “How is Ev?”

“Oh, um, the doctor had to sedate him and numb his brain to stop him from panicking. He’s probably going to be out for the next few hours.”

Letting out a quiet whimper involuntarily, Connor exhales shakily.

Heidi face morphs into one of sympathy. “Oh Connor, sweetie, Evan will be okay. He’s okay.”

“No, yeah, uh, I know.” Nodding, Connor knows Heidi can see right through him. He’s terrible at lying. Before he can say anything, though, Heidi opens her arms wide. 

“Come here.”

“N— no, it’s, I’m fine.” Connor shakes his head, stepping backwards and trying to blink all of his tears away.

Heidi looks skeptically at him, then with a few steps narrows the distance between them, engulfing Connor in one giant hug, who can’t help but lean into it. 

Before he stops himself. Awkwardly, Connor untangles himself from Heidi’s arms. “Uh, I, sorry, but my mum, I have to leave…” 

Heidi hastily shoves her hands into her pockets. “Yes. Yes, of course. I’ll… text you, when Evan wakes up. He’s been asking for you.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor slams his mum’s car door shut and stalks towards his house, hearing Cynthia trail in behind him. He stomps up to his room, and almost immediately falls asleep.

Waking up to the front door opening, Connor forces himself to sit up. He does so just before Zoe cracks his door open, peeking her head in. 

Zoe looks surprised. “Oh, hi. I thought… mum said you were sleeping.”

“I was,” Connor mutters, cracking his knuckles.

“Uh, yeah, so how— so—”

“Don’t even.”

Zoe exhales. “I was just going to tell you that Mrs Hansen texted me. She said Evan’s awake and she wants you to know since you weren’t checking your phone. Do you want me to drive you over?”

“Oh.” Connor blinks. “Uh, yeah. Thanks.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor tilts his head. “You’re not coming in?”

“Nah, Evan probably wouldn’t like that. Should I, uh, wait here? Or would u guys…”

“Um. I don’t— I’ll go with Evan. I’ll text you if anything happens.” Slamming the door, Connor starts to walk towards the hospital doors.

“Wait, Connor?” Zoe yells through the open window.

Connor turns. “Yeah?”

“You… you’re okay, right? I know you don’t like me asking that, but, um, you are… yeah?”

Swallowing, Connor gives Zoe a small smile. “Yeah. Th— uh, thanks, Zo.”

Connor gets into the hospital without a problem, and a nurse way too cheery for his taste beams at Connor as she hands him a pass. Knocking on what Connor recognizes as Evan’s door, he waits until Heidi opens the door.

Heidi smiles. “Hey, honey. Evan’s awake, he’ll be happy to know you’re here. You guys want some time alone? I’ll go to the canteen to get some food for us.”

“Yeah, thanks, Heidi.”

“It’s nothing.” Heidi squeezes Connor’s shoulder and disappears around the corner.

Cautiously, Connor steps into the room, catching sight of Evan looking way too small in the hospital bed. His eyes are closed as a few tears slide down his face. Evan opens his eyes slowly when he hears Connor’s footsteps getting louder and closer.

“Hey,” Connor says as gently as possible.

Evan opens his mouth to speak but chokes on his words, more tears spilling out of his eyes. Before he fully registers what he is doing, Connor has cupped his hand against Evan’s cheek and with his thumb slowly brushes away some of the tears on Evan’s face. Evan’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t move away. Seeing this, Connor carefully sits on the edge of the bed, moving his hand to hold Evan’s.

“I— I, C— Con…”

Connor squeezes Evan’s hand. “Shh. It’s okay.”

“N— no, I have to… I— I’m sor— sorry, I, so s— stupid, I can’t, do any— anything r— right.” Evan struggles to sit up. 

Helping Evan up slowly, Connor gives him what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “Don’t say that. It’s okay. We’re gonna be okay.”

“B— but…”

“It’s fine. You’re not comfortable with it, and I totally understand, okay? It’s not your fault.”

Evan shakes his head. “You— you’re you, and you’re a— amazing, you de— deserve so, so much, you do, but… but I, I have to be h— here, and I ruin, r— ruin everything.” He seems to be curling in on himself once again.

“Oh, Ev, you don’t. You’re the best thing that has happened to me,” Connor whispers as he pulls Evan into a hug. 

Feeling Evan bury his face into Connor’s shoulder as he lets out a shaky sob, Connor stays still, letting Evan get it out of his system for as long as he needs to, murmuring softly into Evan’s ear. “I’m here. I’m here.”

Gradually, Evan’s sobs die down into sniffles and he looks so drained from either the sedation or the crying that Connor is surprised he is still able to keep himself awake. Barely. Evan’s eyelids are drooping and getting heavier and heavier by the second. When his head suddenly hits Connor’s chest Evan jerks up, but he can’t seem to keep his eyes open.

“S— sorry,” Evan mumbles, nodding off again. “I, they gave me this in— injection, I think it, it’s starting... to w— work, I can’t f— fight it, sor—“

Oh. Evan is on medication. No wonder he’s not fully breaking down right now. Connor pulls away. “It’s the medication, I know. Go to sleep, Ev, I’ll be here, unless, y’know, they kick me out.” He tucks Evan in, gently pressing his lips against Evan’s forehead for a second, lingering slightly. “I love you,” Connor murmurs, before freezing when he realises just what he has said.

“I, I love y— you too.” Smiling softly, Evan snuggles into his blanket and slowly his breathing evens out, the smile not leaving his face even after he drifts off. 

Connor lets his face match Evan’s. He likes this. When Evan lets his brain rest and smiles like there isn’t any worry left in the world. Because when he does, Connor truly believes that Evan’s going to be okay. That they’re going to be okay. And everything’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2k hits?! thankyou guys so so much


	20. flicker out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, Ev, I’m sorry, your mum and your therapist thinks its best for you to change your meds, which means you have to… have to be hospitalised for a while after this.”
> 
> No. No. Evan’s blood freezes and he can hear his heart hammering loudly. Gripping his blanket, Evan tries his goddamn best to keep himself calm, but the more he tries to gulp down air, the faster his throat seems to be closing up. Fuck, Evan knows he can’t pass out again, he thought he had it under control the first time and look what happened. And it’s been barely a day and it’s happening again. Shi—
> 
> “Hey. Hey, I’m here. It’s okay, you’re okay Ev.” A warm voice seeps through, slightly muffled.
> 
> Evan lifts his head up slowly from the curled up position he doesn’t realise he has been in. Through his blurry vision he can vaguely see Connor’s face stooping down to face his. “C— C— C— Co—“ He sucks in a shaky breath. “C— Con— Connor...?”
> 
> “Yeah, it’s me. I need you to take deep breaths, okay? Can you do that? For me?”
> 
> Willing himself as hard as he can to nod, Evan hiccups and his breath hitches in his throat, struggling to find air. Shit. He really is going to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for panic attack suicidal thoughts and reference to suicide attempt
> 
> thanks for 200 kudos i feel famous tysm

\------------ Evan’s pov ------------

Evan wakes up to a glaring light and winces, immediately regretting opening his eyes and closes them once again. Realising that he’s having somewhat coherent thoughts again, Evan knows the medication has worn off. This whole set of actions has taken less than five seconds, but it doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Ev? Hey, Evan, are you awake?”

Evan really doesn’t want to communicate in any sort of way at the moment, but he knows he owes it to Connor. Forcing his eyes open, he blinks a few times and squints to make out Connor’s figure sitting next to his bed. 

“Y— yeah.” Evan’s voice comes out all croaky and raspy. All of a sudden, the voices inside his brain get ten times louder, and Connor’s face flickers in and out of focus. Evan screws his face up tightly and digs his fingers into the mattress, planning to ride it out. Hearing Connor say something that he can’t really make out, Evan shakes his head, hoping that it is enough. He can’t tell anyone that it’s getting worse. The voices. The last thing Evan needs is to stay in the hospital to change his medications. Speaking of which—

Taking a deep breath, Evan yanks his eyes open and sits up slowly, his body still weak from the sedation. He tries his best to keep his face expressionless. “Wh— when can I, how long do I, um, do I have to s— stay here, uh, for?”

Connor gives Evan a sad look. “Oh, Ev, I’m sorry, your mum and your therapist thinks its best for you to change your meds, which means you have to… have to be hospitalised for a while after this.”

No. No. Evan’s blood freezes and he can hear his heart hammering loudly. Gripping his blanket, Evan tries his goddamn best to keep himself calm, but the more he tries to gulp down air, the faster his throat seems to be closing up. Fuck, Evan knows he can’t pass out again, he thought he had it under control the first time and look what happened. And it’s been barely a day and it’s happening again. Shi—

“Hey. Hey, I’m here. It’s okay, you’re okay Ev.” A warm voice seeps through, slightly muffled.

Evan lifts his head up slowly from the curled up position he doesn’t realise he has been in. Through his blurry vision he can vaguely see Connor’s face stooping down to face his. “C— C— C— Co—“ He sucks in a shaky breath. “C— Con— Connor...?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I need you to take deep breaths, okay? Can you do that? For me?”

Willing himself as hard as he can to nod, Evan hiccups and his breath hitches in his throat, struggling to find air. Shit. He really is going to die.

“I— I, I ca— can’t... I— I’m s— sor—“

“Shh. Shh. Just focus on your breathing.” Feeling Connor wrapping his arms around him, Evan knows that Connor is trying to ground him.

But it doesn’t. Evan can’t see anything anymore, the voices deafening all around him. His head feels like it’s splitting apart and his heart is leaping out of his throat. Trying to speak, he chokes on his own saliva and ends up coughing out the little oxygen he has left. Evan claws at his throat in vain. He can’t breathe. If this is always how it is going to be Evan doesn’t want to live anymore. Not even with Connor here. Connor is better off without him anyway.

He doesn't know how long it has been, but just then, Evan feels a tiny prick on his left arm and the voices immediately gets silenced. He feels himself go limp, slipping away into oblivion.

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Steadying himself against a chair, Connor catches his breath as Heidi lays a now unconscious Evan back down on the bed. He has just ran up five floors to the canteen to get Heidi after nothing he has done is helping Evan. Seeing Heidi caress Evan’s face with a sad look on her face, Connor feels himself talking.

“I’m sorry.”

Heidi turns around. “Sweetie, what for? Evan has been a lot better with you h—”

“He saved me, but I couldn’t, I can’t save him. I failed him.”

Furrowing her brows, Heidi walks towards Connor. “What do you mean?”

Before he can help it, Connor finds himself in the middle of a pile of word vomit he has produced. “I was going to kill myself. My parents— my dad thinks I’m doing all of this, smoking, skipping school just for attention. I couldn’t do it anymore, it was the first day of senior year, and I was going to lock myself in my room and overdose after school. It was all planned and stuff, I counted the number of pills so many times, I knew I had more than enough, and I remember thinking to myself why I was going to school if I was going to die anyway. But then, but I met Evan in the computer room, and—” Connor pauses to take another breath and finishes in a whisper. “And yeah, I didn’t… I got home and, and threw away, um, the pills.” 

Heidi stays silent. For a few seconds, Connor thinks he has talked so fast that she couldn’t possibly have gotten all of it. But suddenly in one swift movement, Heidi pulls Connor into a hug.

“Oh, sweetie…” she murmurs into Connor’s ear.

Connor tries to untangle himself from Heidi’s arms. “Shit. I didn’t mean to, no one was supposed t— fuck, sorry, just pretend I didn’t say anything, I—”

But Heidi holds him firm. “Shh. It’s okay. No one needs you to stay so strong all of the time.”

“But Ev—”

“He will be fine. I know Evan means a lot to you, but sometimes, honey, you do need to take care of yourself before him, or else it’s not healthy.”

Desperately blinking away the tears forming in his eyes, Connor tries to cover it up by laughing quietly. “You, uh, you sound like a therapist.”

Heidi seems to have realised that Connor is crying. She pulls away slowly, wiping Connor’s tears away for him gently. “Oh, sweetie, Evan is my son, I am basically a therapist.” 

Giving Heidi a wobbly smile, Connor nods and stares down at his feet until Heidi lifts up his chin with her finger. Hesitantly, he lifts up his head to look at her.

“Why are you beating yourself up?” Heidi whispers, her eyes softening. The room suddenly seems to hush, falling into absolute silence as it waits for Connor’s reply.

Biting his lip, Connor waits until he is certain his voice won’t crack before taking a deep breath and opening his mouth. “I— it’s just… I’m not a good person, Heidi. I tore my family apart, I lost my sister. I ruin everyone and everything I come across. It’s, It’s all my fault. I don’t—” Connor wipes away the tears that are rolling down his face. “I just don’t want to lose th— this too. I don’t, don’t want to lose Evan.” Voice cracking on the last syllable, Connor stumbles backwards and slumps into a chair behind him, burying his face in his hands.

Connor feels Heidi brushing a strand of his hair away from his face, tucking it behind his ear. “It’s hard to be everything for everyone, sweetie. You need to let yourself rest too.”

“I— I guess.” Connor sits up and exhales shakily, blinking away the remnants of his tears. He wills his face to mask his emotions. “I should… I shouldn’t hold you here. I’m fine. Can you text me when Evan wakes up or something?”

“Oh.” Heidi blinks. She looks surprised for them to be changing the subject so quickly. “Of, of course. Do you need a drive home?”

“It’s okay, I can just text my sister, she can drive me.”

\------------ time cut ------------

The next day is the last day of school before their fall break. Connor wakes up feeling like he’s ready to drown and his brain is filled with static, so he fakes being sick in front of Cynthia and gets out of it easily.

All day long, Connor stays curled up under his blanket, trying to block out all his thoughts but failing, spiralling the entire time. Knowing that he isn’t in a good headspace today, he shoots Heidi a message, telling her that he isn’t feeling well and won’t be able to go visit Evan. Heidi replies almost immediately.

Heidi:  
It’s okay!   
Feel better soon, sweetie.  
Evan just woke up and his therapist plans on starting to change his meds later this afternoon.   
I’m really sorry, but the doctor explicitly said no visitors apart from family for at least a few days.  
I’ll tell you when you can come visit though.  
Get some rest!

Connor is almost a hundred percent sure Heidi knows he isn't actually sick today, but he goes with it.

You:  
oh its ok   
can u pls say hi to evan for me?  
ask him if hes doing better?

Heidi:  
Will do!   
Evan is a little overstimulated right now since he just got eased off the sedatives, but I will definitely relay that message to him later.  
Drink more water and recover soon!  
Jared is here he says hi.

You:  
thanks  
hi jared

A notification pops up and Connor clicks on it.

Jared:  
u sick?

You:   
ye

Jared:  
come on we both know that’s bullshit  
please come evans asking for you he thinks u don’t wanna see him anymore  
visiting hours are gonna stop in thirty can u make it?

Connor closes his eyes. He types ‘ok’ and stares at it for a solid minute before deleting it.

You:   
sorry i cant  
bad headspace its just going to make shit worse  
sorry

Hearing the front door open, Connor reluctantly lifts his cement-filled head, glancing at the clock on the wall. Three forty-seven. It might be Zoe. Hastily, he puts his phone back on his bedside table and buries himself under his pile of blankets once again, opting to fake sleep so Zoe doesn’t bother him. It proves to work, since Zoe opens his door for one second before quietly closing it again. But ironically, Connor soon wears himself out from spiralling and does actually fall asleep.

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor feels something warm touching his forehead. He rolls over, smacks his lips together a few times and cracks his eyes open halfway.

“Wuh?” His mum’s face slides into focus above him. 

Cynthia smiles a bit when she sees Connor awake, removing her hand from his forehead. “Hey Con, did I wake you up? I’m sorry, I just came up to check on you. Are you feeling better?”

“I feel like shit,” Connor mumbles, pressing his face into his pillow. 

“Honey, do you…” Hesitating, Cynthia gently puts her hand on Connor’s head. Not being able to find the energy to push her hand off, Connor goes tense but stays still. His mum seems to find that as permission to start combing through his hair. “Dinner is going to be ready in a few. Do you feel up to coming down to eat with us?”

“No.” Connor promptly replies, his voice muffled by his pillow. 

He can feel Cynthia retracting her hand from his hair, and picturing her disappointed face, Connor gets filled with guilt. Grudgingly, he pushes himself up with his hands and sits up, slouching a bit as he presses the base of his palms against his eyes hard. And harder. 

His brain won’t stop why won’t it just stop?

“Connor?” 

Connor can see the worried look on his mum’s face though the gaps between his fingers. Taking a shaky breath, he removes his hands from his face and lets his head drop.

“I, I’m sorry, I don’t—” Suddenly aware that his face is wet, Connor lifts his hand to touch his cheek. He’s crying. When did that start?

“Oh, Connor.” Cynthia reaches over and pulls her son into a hug, leaving him trembling against her chest, desperately trying to stop his tears as she kisses Connor’s head repeatedly.

When at last Connor’s sniffles are barely audible except for the occasional hiccup or shaky breath, he pulls away and mutters, “Sorry, I didn’t know what, uh, what happened.”

Cynthia gazes at him with a melancholy look. “You know you can tell me anything, right, Con?”

That Connor hasn’t expected. He looks up, carefully keeping his face blank. His throat betrays him, letting out a quiet strangled sound. Cynthia’s face softens and she shifts until she is facing Connor, reaching out to hold his hands. 

“Is it because you’re sick? Or is it a bad day as well?” Reaching out to push Connor’s hair away from his face, Cynthia rests her hand on his forehead for a few seconds.

Connor stays silent and just shakes his head. He can’t trust his voice not to expose him. Instead, he focuses on his hands, clasping them together in an attempt to stop them from shaking.

“You do feel a bit warm, maybe it’s a bug. Do you feel up to eating?”

Connor shakes his head. Again. It’s the only thing he can do at this point.

“I’ll bring you some hot water, then you can go right back to bed. But you really need to eat tomorrow, okay?” 

Shrugging, Connor picks at his nails until Cynthia finally gives up and leaves the room, presumably to get him some water. A few minutes later she comes back, with a mug of steaming water in one hand and a paper bag in the other. Putting down the bag, Cynthia presses the mug into Connor’s hand.

“Drink this now, and if you wake up feeling hungry anytime, you can eat the bread. I’m going to take your temperature, is that okay?”

Connor nods, putting the mug against his lips and tipping it gently. Finishing the water, he puts it down on his bedside table and settles into his blankets once again, closing his eyes. He feels his mum sticking the thermometer into his ear a few seconds later.

“Ninety-nine point five. Might not be anything, but you do look exhausted, Con.”

“I am,” Connor mumbles.

“Go to sleep. I’m here if you need anything, okay?”

Nodding, Connor feels himself drifting off to sleep, but he forces his eyes open. Yes, he wants to sleep, but. Not yet.

“M— mum?”

Cynthia turns around from where she is at the door. “Yes, sweetheart?”

“I…” Connor swallows. Why did he think talking would be a good idea? “I want to get better. I really do.”

“Oh, Connor, I know you do.” Walking back over to Connor’s bed, Cynthia rubs her thumb against Connor’s cheek. “I’m here whenever you need me.” She bends down and kisses Connor’s forehead.

“Thank you,” he whispers, and finally lets his body slip away to rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys im sorry but ive been having an extremely weird depressive episode for the past week or so so for me to still be able to update regularly the next few chapters will be shorter than i planned them to be again i apologise im sorry
> 
> on another note if these chapters are even more depressing than usual please excuse me


	21. a perfect day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry, I didn’t know what else I could do and I panicked. I know you probably didn’t want me to, sorry.”
> 
> “I, I d— did.” Evan looks down at his still trembling hands as he whispers.
> 
> “What?”
> 
> This time Evan leans forward, pulling Connor’s shirt towards himself, and before Connor can even comprehend what is happening, he gets hit with the most amazing feeling in the world as Evan locks his lips with Connor’s. After a few seconds, Connor pulls away, breathless. He looks Evan over, smiling softly with his now messy hair and bright red cheeks. 
> 
> I did that, Connor thinks to himself. He grins back, letting himself stay in the moment for a while.
> 
> Until ‘a while’ turns into two hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is kinda late and short im having a real bad fever that doesn't seem like it's going down anytime soon welp
> 
> TW for angst and panic attack

Heidi:  
Hi Connor!  
Evan’s getting discharged this afternoon and he can get visitors anytime today.  
Do you have time to drop by by any chance?

You:  
ye ill be there soon

Connor leans against the wall after knocking on Zoe’s door.

“You do know it’s eight in the morning right?” Zoe peeks her head out. 

“Uh, can you—” Shoving his hands in his pockets, Connor forces himself to look up. “Can I get a ride to, um, to the hospital?”

“You can visit Evan now?”

“Yeah. He’s getting discharged later today.”

Zoe hesitates. “Today’s Thursday.”

“And?”

“Our flight is tonight. It’s just… you usually stay at Evan’s place after you guys hang out or whatever.”

“Fuck California.” Seeing Zoe raise her eyebrows, Connor sighs. “Fine. I’ll come back before like 5. You happy?”

“Let me grab my keys.”

\------------ time cut ------------

“Uh, I’m here to visit Evan Hansen?”

The nurse behind the desk smiles at him before sliding him a pass. “Third room down the left.”

“Thanks.”

Connor almost trips over his own feet in his eagerness to get to Evan. Coming to a stop in front of the door, he knocks, waiting for someone to let him in.

The door cracks open and Heidi’s face greets Connor. She smiles.

“Hi Connor! How are you?”

“Hey, I’m good, thanks. Is Ev…”

Opening the door wider, Heidi gestures behind her. “Evan’s awake. He might be a little spaced out from the meds but he’s okay.”

Connor nods and follows Heidi into the room. 

“Evan, honey, Connor is here.”

Evan is sitting up on his bed. Giving Evan a little wave awkwardly, Connor sits down on one of the chairs next to the bed. When Heidi quietly leaves the room to give the two boys some privacy, Evan takes a deep breath and looks up at Connor for a moment with bloodshot eyes before resuming his previous posture of staring straight at his blanket.

“Hey,” Connor says as gently as he can. “You okay?” 

Evan bites his lips so hard the edges turn white. “Wh— why didn’t you, you c— come?”

“What?”

“L— last Friday, mum, sh— she said you were sick, but.” Evan takes a shaky breath. “But y— you weren’t, ri— right? You just… did you just n— n— not want to see, see m— me?” Finishing in a hoarse whisper, he stares down at his fingers and blinks rapidly. 

Connor knows he is trying hard not to cry. “Shit. Ev, shit, I didn’t— yes, I wasn’t actually sick, but I didn’t come because it wasn’t a good day for me, and I knew if I had come I probably would have lashed out at you or your mum or someone and I really really didn’t want that to happen. I’m really sorry, Ev, I did want to see you, I missed you so much, I’m sorry, I really am.” He moves to sit next to Evan and gives him a quick hug.

Looking much more relieved, Evan gives Connor a wobbly smile before starting to rub at his eyes, clearly exhausted. Before Connor can tell him to go to sleep, Evan clears his throat and opens his mouth to speak.

“Are y— you going to be h—, um, here when I, I get dis— discharged?”

“Yeah, of course. Unless… do you don’t want me to?”

Hastily, Evan shakes his head. “N— no, I do, thank, thank y— you.”

Connor gives him a smile. “Anything for you.” Another thought occurs to him. “Wait, Ev, do you have anything to do after you get discharged?”

“I… I don’t th— think so? Wh— why?”

“I want to bring you somewhere. You’re gonna love it so much.”

“O— okay.”

\------------ time cut ------------

“Don’t kill Evan, don’t kill the car, and you better be back in four hours,” Zoe says as she puts her car keys into Connor’s outstretched palm. “This already feels like a bad decision oh god.”

Connor smirks. “I will do my best. Evan, let’s go.”

Picking at his cast, Evan trails after Connor. “You still, um, h— haven’t told me where… where we are go— going.”

“It’s a surprise, come on.”

A fifty minute car ride and three bowls of ice cream later, Connor kills the engine in front of a huge steel fence. “Here we are.”

“Wh— what is this?”

“It’s an orchard. When Zoe and I were little our parents always brought us here. It’s closed down now, obviously, but—” Connor holds up a key with a wicked grin on his face. “The owner of the orchard, Mrs Fieldings, gave me a little present before it did.”

Evidently uncomfortable, Evan fidgets in the car seat. “But… isn’t that illegal? We shouldn’t— we’re not allowed…”

“I’m not breaking into anything, am I? Come on, we don’t have much time, I have to go to fucking California in a few hours.”

Evan exhales. “Fine.” He follows Connor through the now unlocked gate.

As soon as they step into the orchard, Connor steals a glance at Evan, who is gaping at the trees in awe. Evan is bouncing as he runs to one of the trees, touching the bark gingerly.

“Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god!”

Connor chuckles to himself. “You like it?”

Turning to Connor with a huge smile on his face, Evan wraps his arms around him. “Thank you.”

After letting Evan exhaust himself from exploring the orchard for a while, they sit on the grass, Evan’s head on Connor’s shoulder.

“Evan?” Connor’s voice breaks the silence. He turns to look at Evan, whose eyes are closed.

“Yeah?”

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.”

“Me too.” Opening his eyes, Evan smiles.

“What do you want to do now? There’s a pumpkin patch somewhere in here, or we could get more ice cream, or we could climb one of these tr—”

Evan visibly tenses. 

“Fuck. I didn’t mean to, sorry, we don’t have to do that.”

Awkward silence fills the place for a moment. 

Then Evan says softly, “I want to.”

“Want to what?”

“Climb a tree. I can’t— I can’t just let this, all this dr— drown me forever. I… I need to do it.”

Connor turns to face him. “You sure? You don’t have to do it, you shouldn’t push yourself if you don’t want to.”

Taking a deep breath, Evan looks up at one of the trees. “I want to.”

“Okay, let’s go, then.”

Connor lets Evan climb up first, helping him get the hang of it with his broken arm. Cautiously, they make their way up the tree, Connor staying behind Evan just in case he falls. Just then, Evan freezes. He looks down before whipping his head away, eyes squeezed shut. 

“Hey, Ev, you okay?”

“Y— yeah, we c— can keep, keep go— going.” 

Connor doesn’t miss the stutter. “We can go down now. We don’t have to go all the way up.”

“N— no, I, I’m okay.” Evan reaches up for a branch with a shaky arm. 

Seeing Evan try his best not to look down, Connor quickly follows behind him. Suddenly, Evan loses his footing and before Connor can even react, he slips a bit. Connor quickly steadies Evan, helping him onto a sturdier branch. But it is too late. Evan’s entire frame is shaking now, and Connor can hear him start to hyperventilate. 

Connor knows Evan is not going to calm down no matter how long they stay up here for. “Hey. Hey. I'm going to help you down, okay? You're okay, I'm here.”

Shaking his head, Evan gulps for air. “N— no, I, I c— c— can’t, I— I’m g— going to, to fa— fall…”

“You can. I’m here. I’m not going to let you fall.” Desperately, Connor squeezes Evan’s shoulder, trying to ground him enough to get down from the tree.

Evan continues shaking his head, erratic breaths racking his body. “I— no, I c—” He accidentally looks down and lets out a strangled sob. 

Knowing that he has no other choice, Connor leans in and presses his lips against Evan’s, making sure he has a solid grip on Evan before doing so. He doesn’t need to. Evan relaxes into the kiss immediately, his entire body sagging as he centers himself, and slowly but surely, his sobs reduces to panting and small gasps.

When Connor is sure Evan isn’t going to fall anytime soon, he quickly scoots backwards, waiting for Evan to be ready before speaking. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what else I could do and I panicked. I know you probably didn’t want me to, sorry.”

“I, I d— did.” Evan looks down at his still trembling hands as he whispers.

“What?”

This time Evan leans forward, pulling Connor’s shirt towards himself, and before Connor can even comprehend what is happening, he gets hit with the most amazing feeling in the world as Evan locks his lips with Connor’s. After a few seconds, Connor pulls away, breathless. He looks Evan over, smiling softly with his now messy hair and bright red cheeks. 

I did that, Connor thinks to himself. He grins back, letting himself stay in the moment for a while.

Until ‘a while’ turns into two hours. 

“Shit.” Connor pulls away from yet another kiss and looks at his phone. “It’s almost five. I have to get back before Zoe yells at me.”

“Okay. Promise you’ll c— call me? Ev— every day?”

“Of course. We better get down, yeah?”

Evan looks down and takes a shaky breath. “O— okay.”

“Hey.” Connor places his hand over Evan’s. “I’ll be right here, you’re not going to fall.” He slides off the branch to a lower one and reaches a hand out for Evan to hold onto. A few agonising minutes later, they get to the ground and Connor lets out a whoop. Evan gives him a small smile and stumbles a bit, every inch of his face displaying plain exhaustion. Helping Evan sit down against the tree trunk, Connor lets him take a few minutes to rest and catch his breath.

The car ride back to Evan’s house is silent, the tension so palpable both of the boys know they have to address the elephant in the room, or well, the car. Connor pulls into Evan’s driveway and kills the engine, but Evan doesn’t make a move to do anything or to get out.

Connor finally caves. “Hey, uh, Ev?”

“Yeah?” Evan is fidgeting with his cast, purposely avoiding catching Connor’s eye.

“I know we have to do this sooner or later, so, uh, what, um, what are we, exactly? Are you okay with… this?”

“I don’t—” Evan sighs, his voice becoming quieter. “I don’t know. I… I c— can’t let my dad take control of my life like this. So can we— are we…”

Connor waits for Evan to finish but soon realizes that he isn’t going to. So he does. “Going to date?”

Nodding, Evan looks up at Connor timidly. 

Connor bites back a smile. “Well, I guess we could.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're very welcome


	22. because my life is falling apart

hi sorry im sorry i didnt update last weekend and this isnt even the chapter you guys were probably expecting. im stuck in the hospital cus i caught what i thought was a bad cold but turned out to be a really nasty bout of bacterial pneumonia and i literally blacked out trying to stand up to get my phone off the hospital bedside table just now and typing this is taking me so long my hands are shaking so bad. apart from that a lot of other weird stuff is piling up on me too and well it finally made me break. im so so sorry but im such a mess rn and im so overwhelmed by everything that i probably need some time to sort myself out. sorry i really didnt want to do this but this isnt going to work so im going to have to put this on hiatus for at least a while im really sorry. dw im still totally invested in this fic but i just need a moment to take a step back so please keep this bookmarked, and i promise i will come back to this as soon as i get myself sorted.


	23. im back!

hey guys im so so sorry its been so long but im here now! im working on an especially long chapter to apologize for the super duper long wait and it will probably be finished before the week ends. hope you guys will like it and please kudos and comments are still extremely appreciated:) thanks to everyone who wrote such nice comments i will definitely get to replying to them soon!


	24. no matter what

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Evan?”
> 
> Sucking in a breath, Evan forces himself to look up, trying to make out the person with blurred eyes. “C— c— con—”
> 
> “Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re going to be okay.”
> 
> Evan tries to shake his head. It’s not okay. It never has been. All his life it has even one big lie. He should just die so no one would have to worry about him anymore. Feeling his heart beating out of his chest, Evan curls in on himself more and desperately attempts to center himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attacks, mention of vomit, suicide references and thoughts
> 
> i giveth a long chapter for sorry-ment xD

“Hey Ev!” Connor waits patiently as Evan’s face comes into view.

“H— hi, guess what?”

“What?”

“You’re supposed to guess!” Giggling, Evan blushes.

God, how is he so cute? It’s not even fair. Connor can feel his face heating up. “I don’t know, what is it?”

“I got, uh, m— my cast off.” Evan lifts his arm up to the screen. 

Connor’s mouth falls open. “That’s… that's great, Ev. Look at that tan line, oh my god.”

“Y— yeah, Jared said he’s proud… proud of me for ha— having it.”

“Of course he is. Are you good? How are your meds?” 

“They’re fine, I guess. S— sometimes they make me really depressed or spaced out, but at least they, at least th— they make me less anxious, so that’s… that’s good.”

“It’s probably just the transition period. It’ll get better.”

“I hope so. How’s, um, how’s California?”

“Boring. You would like it, though. We went on like ten hikes I swear my legs are about to fall off. Anyways, back to you, what have you been doing?”

“Oh, uh, n— not much, actually. I have a lot of schoolwork to, um, catch up on, because… you know.”

Connor’s heart breaks a little at Evan’s sad tone. “Hey, I’m coming back in a few days, we can hang out then, right?”

Evan evidently perks up at that. “Okay.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor waits until Evan is done loading and unloading his books before squeezing his shoulder. “Hey, remember, if you feel like you can’t make it, you can text me or go to the nurse, okay? Don’t force yourself to do anything you can’t.”

“It’s f— fine. I’ll… I’ll be okay, I think.”

“I’ll see you at Calculus later, then?” Connor glances around, and when he doesn’t see anyone looking their way, he leans in and gives Evan a quick kiss. He knows that Evan is still conscious about his sexuality and, not wanting to come out publicly yet, he has asked Connor if they can keep their relationship between themselves for now. Naturally, Connor complies, since the last thing Evan deserves is for someone else to provoke his anxiety again.

“Y— yeah, see you.”

Not ten seconds before Evan has left for class does Connor hear an obnoxiously loud voice. 

“About time, isn’t it?”

Connor inwardly groans before gritting his teeth and turning around to face Jared. “What?”

“Don’t pretend. I, Sherlock Jared Holmes, saw everything. Did you or did you not just kiss Evan?”

Closing his eyes, Connor sighs. “Fine. I did. We’re dating.”

Whooping, Jared shouts, “I knew it! I knew it!”

Connor shushes him. “Dude, please don’t tell anyone, Evan doesn’t want to come out yet.” 

Jared places his hand over his chest. “Yes, sir. Scout’s honour. But I want details. All of them. And don’t even think about leaving anything out, oh no.”

Connor highly doubts that Jared is or was a scout, but he goes with it. “Evan got discharged from the hospital, and I brought him to the orchard, not that you would know where that is, and he really wanted to climb one of the trees so we did, but in the middle he almost slipped. He started panicking and hyperventilating and nothing I was saying was going in, so I just, uh, I just went in and kissed him. Then on the car ride back to his house I asked him what we... like, what we are, and he said he doesn't want his dad to have control over him anymore, so I asked him if that means he wants to date and he said yes, so, um, yeah."

Looking like he can't keep his grin off his face, Jared shoves Connor's shoulder. "That's my man. You asked him, right? You're the one who made the move. It's not a mutual asking or grey area or whatever, yeah?"

“Uh, I guess, why?”

Jared pumps his fist into the air. “Yes! Yes, score for me. Pardon me, I have to go find Zoe and get my twenty bucks, thank you very much. I owe you, buddy.”

“Wait, Wait, you guys were betting about us? About this? And how does Zoe even know?”

“Jesus Christ! Okay, first things first, remember when I called you that night? Zoe heard everything, and she called me right after. I didn't— she heard enough to figure out most of what was going on, and it wasn't hard for her to piece everything together. So that’s how Zoe knows, and secondly, did you really think I wouldn’t use this wonderful opportunity to get some money? When it comes to anything about Evan, I always win, it's time Zoe realised that. She thought Evan would say something first, like what the fuck? That boy would never do anything like that, anyone can see that. It's like, hello there lady, have you been living under a rock this entire time?"

At that moment, Jared is so engrossed in his little speech that Connor is seriously contemplating to just walk away and Jared probably won’t even notice. Finally, though, Jared pauses to take a breath, and Connor immediately jumps at his chance. 

"Good to know. But just, don't tell Zoe? Not yet. I just don’t think Evan wants another person knowing.”

“You got it.”

Connor bends down to pick up his bag just as the warning bell rings. “Now if you'll excuse me, we need to get to Bio."

\------------ time cut ------------

Stepping into the Calculus classroom, Connor’s eyes immediately falls onto Evan who is already at his desk, eyes trained on his now castless arm. Connor cautiously goes over and sits down next to him, reaching over to squeeze his hand.

Evan jumps, lifting his head. He looks exhausted, but he manages to give Connor a small smile. 

“Hey, you’ve been okay?”

“Y— yeah, I… I guess.”

“So I take that it’s a good enough day?” Connor really doesn’t want to be optimistic, but.

Shrugging, Evan sits up a bit, rubbing at his eyes. “It— it’s not a, um, a b— bad day, I don’t thi— think? But, uh, but… it c— could be better. So, so an o— okay day I, uh, I think.”

“Hey, baby steps, remember? It’ll get better.”

“Yeah.”

\------------ time cut ------------

The next day on Tuesday, Evan even manages to answer a question in Literature without too much stuttering. When he sits down, face bright red but obviously quite pleased with himself, Connor catches his eyes and gives him a thumbs up, beaming, thinking about how things are really looking up. He shouldn’t have gotten his hopes high so early.

On Wednesday, for the first time, Evan isn’t outside on his porch waiting for Zoe to pull into his driveway. He also isn’t reply to Connor’s texts, so naturally, being concerned, Connor gets out of the car to ring the doorbell.

Heidi answers it after a second, her hands obviously full. “Oh, hi, sweetie! I’m really sorry, Evan wasn’t feeling that well last night and he couldn’t sleep so I let him sleep in for a bit this morning but I think he’s almost ready.” She turns and yells upstairs. “Evan, honey, you okay? Connor is here for you!”

“Is he okay?”

“Oh, Connor, sweetie, that’s so sweet of you. Evan’s fine, but he probably isn’t having a good day, can you keep an eye on him at school if you can? I told him he doesn’t have to go to school, but he seems pretty sure he wants to.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Just then, Evan walks down from his room, both hands gripping tightly onto his bag straps and his eyes on the floor. 

“There you are, honey? Are you feeling okay to go to school?”

“Y— y— yeah. I, I’m f— I’m f— fine.”

Connor’s heart drops. Evan is stuttering a lot more today. Quietly, he leads Evan out to the car while the latter trails behind him silently, never looking up from his feet.

When Connor slides into the backseat after Evan, he finally gets a look at Evan’s face. To put it short, he doesn’t look well. Evan’s eyes are sunken in and there are faint red rims around them that Connor knows has to be from Evan crying last night.

“Hey.” Connor reaches over and takes Evan’s hand. Evan looks up a bit but doesn’t say anything. “Bad day?”

Nodding slightly, Evan ducks his head back down and takes a deep breath. “C— can, can yo— you…” He stares at the seat in between them. “Sor— sorry, n— n— never mind, it, it’s not— nothing, s— sorry.”

“Do you want me to sit in the middle seat?”

Evan’s eyes fly around the car as he mumbles, “Y— yeah.”

Without hesitation, Connor unbuckles his seatbelt and shifts to the middle seat, putting one hand around Evan’s shoulders and the other over Evan’s hand, rubbing it in slow circles. Leaning in, Evan doesn’t say anything, but Connor doesn’t need him to.

Connor catches Zoe’s eye in the rear view mirror. Zoe tilts her head in a questioning look but doesn’t say anything, so Connor hastily mouths ‘not now’, and she nods and leaves it at that.

Not being able to see Evan in school until Calculus right before lunch, Connor walks as fast as he can to the class and settles down, waiting for him. A few minutes later, Evan walks into the classroom with Maya, who makes a beeline for Connor the second she sees him.

Connor sits up, tense as he waits for Maya to get there, Evan sitting down silently in his seat next to Connor’s.

“Hey. Connor, right?” Her voice is all tingly and bubbly. She has a genuine smile on her face.

“Yeah.”

“I’m Maya. You’re Evan’s boyfriend, right?”

Connor goes rigid. “Who told you that?”

“Oh, um.” Maya furrows her brows. “Evan. Who else?”

“Wh—” Looking over to Evan, Connor fumbles with his words. “Ev, was, did you—”

With a panicked look on Evan’s face, he shakes his head softly. “I’m sorry, I t— told her, but it— but I didn’t do, do it on pur— purpose. It j— just came out, I, I’m sor— sorry. I— if you don’t, uh d— don’t like me any, anymore, y— you can, we can st— stop, I’m, I’m s— sorry…” Evan looks down with tears stinging his eyes.

Maya looks on with wide eyes. “Oh shit, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know you guys wanted to keep it a secret, I’m so so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked Evan about it, I’m sorry.”

Before she can say anything else, Connor quickly kneels down next to Evan’s desk and reaches out, brushing Evan’s tears away.

“Ev, hey. I’m not mad at you, okay? It’s okay. One more person knowing won’t hurt, right?”

Evan nods, sniffling and desperately trying to control his tears. After Connor makes sure Evan is okay, he drags Maya to the corner of the room.

“Okay. I’ll be blunt. I don’t open up to people easily, so it’s not personal. I’m not going to be your friend or whatever, but you have class with Evan when I don’t, and he seems fairly comfortable with you, and just— I don’t know, keep an eye on him, please?”

Nodding, Maya smiles. “Of course. I, um, I don’t show it, but I had a sister who was ten years older than I was and had anxiety, and she… she killed herself when I was nine.”

“Fuck. I didn’t— I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah,” Maya bites her lip. “I know I was too young to actually be able to do anything, but I thought, if I had…”

“You would have been able to stop it.”

Maya looks surprised. “Yeah. And after that I just, after that, I just, yeah.”

There’s nothing Connor can say.

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor groans when Mr Flores announces group projects. It’s like the worst fucking thing that can happen. Sure, Connor can keep up in calculus with no problem, but it’s the small talk that gets him. To make things even worse, Mr Flores assigns different groups for him and Evan, leaving Connor glancing over to Evan worriedly every other minute.

Suddenly, Connor hears a bang from somewhere behind him and immediately turns around. Evan’s entire frame is quaking and he’s crying. Hard. Before Connor can do anything, Evan has already stumbled past him and out of the classroom, hands on his face. 

With wild eyes, Connor spins back around and catches Maya’s frantic eyes. He nods, motioning to Mr Flores before dashing out of the classroom as well.

\------------ Evan’s pov ------------

Evan can’t breathe. Feeling tears running down his face, he staggers blindly out the door. Somehow he makes it to the washroom not knowing where he is going and without a second thought, Evan lets himself fall onto the floor of one of the stalls. Kneeling there on his knees, he tries to get the panic attack out of his system as fast as possible. Evan doesn’t know how long it has been when suddenly he feels a hand on his back. 

“Evan?”

Sucking in a breath, Evan forces himself to look up, trying to make out the person with blurred eyes. “C— c— con—”

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re going to be okay.”

Evan tries to shake his head. It’s not okay. It never has been. All his life it has even one big lie. He should just die so no one would have to worry about him anymore. Feeling his heart beating out of his chest, Evan curls in on himself more and desperately attempts to center himself.

“Hey. Hey.” Connor’s voice is soft, calming even. Subconsciously, Evan’s panic subsides a bit. “I need you to breathe with me. Five in, five hold, five out.”

Struggling a little at first, Evan soon manages to follow Connor’s breathing shakily. When Connor sees Evan trying to ground himself, he squeezes his hand, reaching out to rub his back gently.

“Can you tell me five things you see?”

Evan blinks rapidly to try and get the tears out of his eyes. “Y— you, th— th— the toi— toilet, the d— door, t— the—” Tears blur his eyes once again and he starts to panic when his mind goes blank. “I— I c— can’t d— d— do it…”

“Yes, yes you can. I’m right here, okay?”

Letting out a sob, Evan shakes his head and buries his face into his hands helplessly. Everything is just too much. He won’t breathe, can’t breathe. His brain is going to explode, and he can’t move, he can’t do anything. Everything is way too loud and the weight on his chest is crushing him. He’s going to die and nobody would be able to stop i—

“Ev. Hey, I’m here. That’s my hand. Can you try and ground yourself? The floor, my hand, the door, those are real, okay? It’s okay, you’re going to be okay.”

Evan takes a shuddering breath and feeling his head clear a bit, he hesitantly squeezes Connor’s hand back.

“You feeling a bit better?” Giving Evan a reassuring smile, Connor scoots backwards and holds his arm out, resting it on Evan’s shoulder.

“I— I, I guess…”

Just then, the bell for lunch rings and Evan jumps, his entire body going tense.

Connor reaches out. “Hey. I’m still here. You’re okay. Do you feel okay to go to lunch?”

No. Evan wants to say no. He’s never going to be okay. But it’s Connor and he has done so much for Evan already and he is going to be so annoyed at him and the next thing Evan knows Connor is going to break up with him and everything is going to be so, so, so much worse than it already is.

So he shakily inhales and forces himself to look up. “Y— yeah.”

Connor looks like he doesn’t believe him, but he nods and pulls Evan close, gently kissing him. Gripping the hem of Connor’s shirt tightly, Evan leans into the kiss, since it’s the only thing that is grounding him at the moment. Disappointingly, Connor pulls away after a while and stands up, helping Evan up as well. 

Evan feels numb. He lets Connor pull him to their classroom, distantly hearing Connor say something to the teacher about getting their bags. Students swarm towards them to get to the cafeteria, and Evan squeezes his eyes shut to will away the panic as people jostled past him, making him stumble backwards. Feeling Connor’s hand in his again, Evan lets himself get pulled away.

They’re in the cafeteria now. Shakily, Evan slides into the seat across Jared’s, ignoring the concerned glances from both him and Zoe. The battle in his head is getting more vehement than ever. Evan puts his head down on his arms on the table, vaguely aware of the murmurs from his friends that are definitely about him.

But he must have fallen asleep, because the next thing Evan knows Connor is rubbing his back gently and the warning bell for class is ringing in the background.

\------------ Connor’s pov ------------

Connor can practically see Evan vibrating out of his skin the second he wakes up. 

“Hey,” Connor says, trying to keep his voice as soft as possible. “Hey. You shouldn’t go to class if you can’t, but do you want to go?”

“I— I do— don’t think, I, um, I c— can…” Staring at the table, Evan’s breathing is slightly uneven.

“That’s okay. Do you want me to walk you to the nurse?”

Evan shakes his head slightly. “N— it’s f— fine, I, I’ll get… there.”

“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll come find you right after class, yeah?”

“O— okay.”

\------------ time cut ------------

Connor speedwalks as fast as he can to the nurse’s office as soon as the bell rings, signalling the end of school. When he gets there, Evan is sitting on the sick bed with his legs pulled up against himself, folding and unfolding an empty paper cup. 

“Hey Ev.”

Evan startles and looks up, giving Connor a tired smile when he sees him. Connor has never been so happy to see someone smile before.

“You okay to go?”

Shrugging, Evan opens his mouth to speak but closes it abruptly, lifting a hand up to cover it. Connor is about to ask him what’s wrong when Evan removes his hand and lets out a shaky exhale, closing his eyes as he presses his hands against his thighs.

“Y— yeah, I, I’m fi— fine.”

“You okay? What happened?”

“N— nothing.”

“Ev.”

Evan shakes his head adamantly. “It— it’s nothing. Are, can w— we… can we g— go now?”

Scrutinizing Evan for one last second, Connor finally gives up and nods.

In the car, Connor takes the opportunity to steal a glance at Evan. Evan looks kind of pale. His eyes are unfocused as he stares blankly out of the window, one of his hands is wrapped loosely around his stomach and he just doesn’t look well.

Connor wants to chalk it up to paranoia and convince himself that everything is fine, but. But. There’s this feeling in his gut that something is wrong as Zoe pulls up at Evan’s driveway.

Well, he’ll just have to find out what it is later. Right now, he needs to first get Evan into the house which is already proving to be difficult in itself since Evan is clearly dozing off.

Evan jolts up as soon as Zoe kills the engine, and without a second word scrambles for the car door. Immediately, Connor helps him open it, unlocking his from door for him as well. Connor knows exactly how bad of a state Evan is in when he doesn’t even say thank you, instead just brushing past Connor and making a beeline for the stairs.

Connor hears retching sounds not a moment after Evan has disappeared around the corner of the second floor. Swearing to himself, Connor hastily takes off his shoes and runs up after Evan.

When he gets to the toilet, Connor sees Evan leaning over the toilet with his eyes squeezed shut, panting softly. Before Connor can say anything, Evan suddenly tenses up and throws up into the toilet again. When he is back to dry heaving, Evan curls up against the wall, hugging his knees, his face screwed up into one of severe discomfort.

Cautiously, Connor steps into the toilet, kneeling down in front of Evan. 

“Oh, Ev,” Connor says as softly as he can, reaching out to rub Evan’s back in slow circles. “Were you feeling like that for the entire day? Why didn’t you tell me?

“I, it wasn’t— new meds, th— they, uh, it, it’s the w— withdrawals that, um, th— that ar—” Evan’s eyes suddenly widen and he leans over to retch before lifting his head. “I—” He throws up again.

Wincing, Connor quickly stands up and grabs a facecloth, soaking it with warm water and wipes Evan’s face gently with it. “Hey, shh, you don’t have to talk, okay? I’m here, you’re okay.”

Almost an hour and a lot of vomit later, Connor gently eases Evan onto the floor against the wall, who is still slightly green and panting heavily from the ordeal.

“Okay, let’s get you to bed. Can you walk?”

After helping Evan to his room and making sure he reaches his bed safely, Connor goes back to the toilet and cleans it, wiping down everything and rubbing at his face as the toilet flushes. After everything is cleaned up, he treads as lightly as he can into Evan’s room.

Connor’s heart breaks when he catches sight of Evan’s trembling frame curled up against the headboard.

“Hey, you okay?” Connor asks on default, even though it’s obvious Evan isn’t.

Evan doesn’t respond for a few seconds, but then slowly shakes his head, letting out a shaky exhale. Surprised, Connor blanks for a second. Evan never says he’s not okay. This has to be bad. Silently, he slides onto the bed, reaching out to rub Evan’s arm. 

“I’m here, okay? I’m here as long as you need me.” 

Evan slowly lifts his head and stares at Connor’s hand on his before he sighs, pulling his hand away. Connor tries to hide his hurt, but. He is. Does Evan not want him anymore?

“I, Y— you don’t, you sh— shouldn’t have to stay here,” Evan starts in a wobbly voice and shakily sucks in a breath. “H— how, I— how could you… be f— friends with, with the kid that tried… to k— k— kill himself tw— twice, but didn’t, couldn’t even succeed in th— that? How sh— should you, how are you s— supposed to be friends with a kid who can’t, can’t even d— do anything, anything… right?” His voice cracking on the last word, Evan shakes his head and buries it between his knees. Connor can’t tell if he is crying or not.

“Evan. Hey, Ev. I’m not going to go anywhere. You know that, right? If you need some space, some time alone, that’s fine, just tell me. But, uh, I’m not leaving you. Never.”

Evan doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. Then he swallows, opening his mouth and closes it, before opening it again. “C— Con,” he whispers. “I… m— my mom is the only one who’s like… like trying, I g— guess. And I just… I don’t think I will, I c— can survive if… if I only ha— have her. I— I need you, C— Connor.”

Evan’s eyes are filled with desperation as he finally looks up at Connor. He’s begging Connor for help when Connor doesn’t even know if he can help himself, but his boyfriend never asks for anything else and so Connor nods, leaning over to grab Evan’s hand.

“I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you need me, I’ll be here. No matter what.” 

Nodding, Evan then goes to fail at hiding his tears and lets his body fall against Connor. Connor is taken aback for a second, but he quickly wraps his arms around Evan and kisses his head gently. 

Evan curls up in Connor’s warm embrace, trembling and sniffling softly. “Th— thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that was depressing
> 
> just wanted to say ik im putting a lot of emphasis on evan's anxiety, but that in no way means i 'magically cured' connor's depression hell no it's gonna come soon just not yet but ITS GONNA HAPPEN
> 
> sOrry
> 
> not:)
> 
> comments and kudos please because they fuel me very much yay


	25. words fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I— I just. I th— thought I was… g— getting bet— better. I. I thou— thought it w— was all… going to, to e— end. Bu— but now, I— it, it’s just, I f— feel like I, uh, th— that I, I’m on the ed—edge of some, something, an— anything, and… a— and when I fall, wh— when I, I fall… I—” Evan purses his trembling lips together.
> 
> “You what?” Connor asks as gently as possible.
> 
> Lifting his bloodshot eyes up to meet Connor’s, Evan finishes in a hoarse whisper. “Wh— when I fall, I d— don’t know… don’t kn— know where I, where I’ll l— land. And… and I’m sc— scared, Connor. I, I’m scared. Wh— what if, what i— if I—”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for depression, anxiety

Evan drifts off fitfully after a while, and Connor stays with him until he hears the front door open and close softly.

Seeing Connor come down, Heidi gives him a small smile. “Hey, sweetie. How’s Evan?” She asks quietly, putting down her bag at the island.

“Not… uh, just— he kind of threw up a lot just now. Um, he said something about… about it being withdrawals? Or something like that?”

Heidi pulls a face. “Oh dear. I knew something like this was going to happen. Is he sleeping right now?”

“Yeah. But um, Ev… he’s like, uh, not good.”

Heidi sighs and sits down on the sofa next to Connor, rubbing her hands together. “Yesterday, Evan, he said to me crying, “Mom, I’m scared, what if one day I can’t take it anymore and I fall off the edge? What if that’s the end? What then?” I couldn't answer him. I couldn't find an answer. I just held him and prayed for my baby to be strong enough, but I know it isn’t enough. He needs me to always be there for him, and I know I already come up short in a million different ways, but I… I can’t. I want to, but I just— I don’t know how. I don’t know how he wants me to help.” Lifting her head, Heidi’s voice becomes a whisper as she searches Connor's eyes, desperate for an answer, any answer.

“No.” Connor shakes his head adamantly. “No. Heidi, you’re doing so much for Evan, even if you can’t see it. Ev knows it, we all do. I— he will get better, I promise.” Connor doesn’t know where his strength is coming from, but he feels good, proud of himself that he’s being a rock other people can lean on instead of vice versa. “I’m going to make sure of it, Heidi.”

Eyes widening, Heidi doesn’t say anything for a moment, but a melancholy smile eventually forms on her face as she pulls Connor close. “Sweetie, I… thank you, for everything. For being a light in Evan’s world, for always being here for him. Oh Connor, sweetie, I can’t express how grateful I am.”

When Heidi finally removes her arms from around Connor, she takes a minute to pull herself together. Connor stares down at his socks, drumming his fingers against his lap as he waits for something to diffuse the situation. 

“So… um, sorry, I know it’s not my place, but, uh, I just have to. Are you and Ev dating?”

Connor almost falls down from the sofa. “W— wait, wh—? I— how did you, what?” He splutters.

Chuckling, Heidi pats Connor’s shoulder. “You shouldn’t doubt my mother’s intuition, sweetie.”

“B— but I, we literally just got together! Were we— it was that obvious?”

“Well, I thought there was something going on before, but it was when, um, Ev’s meds were backfiring so I didn’t really think it was a good time to ask? But, yes, to me, it was kind of obvious.”

Before Connor can even start to make out a reply, another voice beats him to it.

“M— mom?”

Connor’s shoulders fall. He has no idea how much Evan has heard.

Heidi’s head snaps to the bottom of the stairs immediately. “Well, looks like somebody just woke up. You feeling any better, honey?” She says quietly.

“My stomach hurts,” Evan mumbles. In an instant, Heidi stands up and walks to him, feeling his forehead.

“Go back to bed, honey. I’ll be up in a minute with some medicine.”

Connor tries to give Evan a smile when he catches his eye, but Evan only lowers his gaze, biting his lip and turning back, his footsteps trailing up the steps. Without saying another word, Heidi disappears upstairs after she has grabbed the medicine.

\------------ time cut ------------

“Is he okay?”

Heidi walks into the living room almost an hour later, tear streaks marking her face and looking as exhausted as Connor knows she probably feels. 

“Evan’s fine, sweetie. He doesn’t have a fever. I think it’s just a stomachache from the anxiety and it being a bad day.”

Nodding, Connor sits on his hands. “Okay. Can I… would he want me to go up and see him?”

Heidi smiles faintly. “Of course he would. Thank you, Connor.”

Evan is curled up on his bed under his blanket, teary-eyed, his breathing labored and erratic and his hands wrapped loosely around his stomach when Connor gets there.

“Ev,” Connor whispers. “I—” He doesn’t know what to say. After a minute of pained silence, all he has is, “Fuck.”

Evan stirs and turns to stare at the ceiling blankly, a vulnerable, shaky breath escaping from his lips. “I—” Letting out a whimper, he covers his face with his hands, his shoulders shaking slightly.

“Hey. Ev, hey,” Connor says, sitting down at the edge of Evan’s bed. He doesn’t know what else to say. “I’m here.”

“N— no, it, it’s not, y— you’re going to—” Evan breaks off, his face screwed up in an attempt to stop himself from crying but failing miserably. “You—you’re going to, you’ll h— hate me? I— it’s so st— stupid, I—just my, my stupid u— useless brain, it— it’s weird and b— bad and I—you’re going to h— hate me, you pr— probably h— hate me, y— you already, already d— do—”

“Ev, why— I don’t hate you. If anyone knows anything about having a stupid useless brain, it’s me. Why would I hate you? You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, okay? If anything, I love you, Ev.” Connor reaches down to push Evan’s hair away from his face.

Shaking his head, Evan huddles into himself. “No, y— you don’t— you d— don’t under, understand. I c— it’s not th— that. I can’t— n— no, I can’t, c— can’t do th— this anymore, I, I’m sorry, I'm s— sorry, I'm sorry—”

“Hey.” Connor holds out an outstretched hand. 

After a minute, Evan reaches out slowly with a shaking hand and takes it. His fingers are freezing. 

“Hey,” Connor continues. “You’re right. I don’t understand. But you can talk to me. Just tell me. Whenever you need me, just talk to me, okay?”

Evan doesn’t say anything for a second. Then he squeezes his eyes shut, a few tears rolling down his face as he sucks in a shaky breath. “I, it— it’s j— just… just— sorry, ne— never mind, it’s st— stupid, I—” Shaking his head, Evan’s breathing starts to become more and more erratic.

Connor immediately squeezes his hand gently. “Ev, hey. It’s okay, it’s not stupid, it’s okay. Just— just tell me, okay? I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

Eyes darting around the room, Evan pants softly, his hand curling around Connor’s tightly. Rubbing the back of Evan’s hand slowly, Connor waits patiently.

“I— I just. I th— thought I was… g— getting bet— better. I. I thou— thought it w— was all… going to, to e— end. Bu— but now, I— it, it’s just, I f— feel like I, uh, th— that I, I’m on the ed—edge of some, something, an— anything, and… a— and when I fall, wh— when I, I fall… I—” Evan purses his trembling lips together.

“You what?” Connor asks as gently as possible.

Lifting his bloodshot eyes up to meet Connor’s, Evan finishes in a hoarse whisper. “Wh— when I fall, I d— don’t know… don’t kn— know where I, where I’ll l— land. And… and I’m sc— scared, Connor. I, I’m scared. Wh— what if, what i— if I—” 

Evan squeezes Connor’s hand lightly, and Connor can just feel it. He can feel it some place between his ribs, can feel the ache of having been wounded by this boy, the ache of just holding his hand. 

Connor pulls Evan closer. “I know. It’s scary, but I’m here. I’m here.” When Evan doesn’t say anything, Connor hesitantly continues.

“You… feel like you are walking around the edge, with one foot on the edge, and anything, anything could make that foot fall off the edge and your whole body follows it in. That's frightening, and enough to make you, like, not want to get out of bed, or do anything.”

Evan gaps at Connor. “I, h— how, why— how… how did y—”

Giving Evan a grim smile, Connor swallows. “Trust me, I’ve been there. But it gets better, Ev, it really does. And you know why it did? For me? It’s because of you.”

“It, it’s not… not be— because of m— me.” Evan shakes his head, staring at his bed again. “H— how did I, I pos— possibly help… help y— you when, when I— I’m like th— this?”

“Hey.”

Evan looks only at his bed, eyes brimmed with tears.

“Ev, hey, look at me.”

Evan stares anywhere but at Connor.

“Evan.”

Reluctantly, Evan adjusts his gaze slightly, letting a shaky breath escape from between his lips while taking a quick swipe at his eyes. “Wh— what?”

Connor shifts a bit, letting Evan’s head fall on his lap. “You… Ev, you are the best person I have ever known,” he says, trying his best to emphasize every single word. “Recovering from this, it, it’s not going to be a straight line and nothing is going to be certain. You know that, I know that. But what is certain, is that I am always going to be here for you. Rooting for you. Supporting you, all the way. You know that, don’t you?”

Playing with the hem of Connor’s shirt, Evan bites his lips. “Wh— what if I… I d— don’t, never, g— get, get better? What, what if I… I’m just b— br— broken… this w— way…?”

“Oh, Ev. You’re not, okay? You will get the support you need, and you will get better.” Connor swallows thickly, trying to put his feelings into words. “I… I love you,” he whispers. ”There's a solution to every problem we face, remember? We can fix this, I promise.”

“Okay.” Evan's voice is soft and sounds broken down, defeated. He sits up unsteadily, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “S— sorry, I, it— it’s getting, uh, late. Y— you… I, I’m okay, you c— can… go h— home. I… I’ll b— be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Y— yeah. I, um, I’ll pr— probably just… s— sleep.”

Connor nods slowly and stands up. He doesn’t want to leave Evan, but he knows Heidi is here in case anything happens. “Okay, get some rest. Tell me if you’re going to school tomorrow, yeah?”

“Th— thanks.” Nodding, Evan buries himself under his blanket once again and stares at Connor’s concerned face for one last moment before closing his eyes.

\------------ Evan’s pov ------------

The sound of a hawk startles Evan awake. He groans and presses his face against his pillow to shut out the sound. Somehow Evan realizes he is feeling a bit better, like the force that has been pushing him down all day isn’t really there anymore. Padding into the hallway and down the stairs, he yawns, rubbing at his eyes. 

“Hey, honey. How you feeling?”

Evan jumps, not expecting his mom to still be home. “I— don’t you, uh, h— have to go… t— to work?” He says, sliding into the seat next to his mom’s at the island.

Flashing him a smile, Heidi ruffles Evan’s hair. “I figured maybe you would want some company. I was thinking, maybe tacos?”

“Th— that would be… be gr— great.”

Heidi beams. “So, you feeling better, Evan?”

“Uh, a, a bit, y— yeah. It— it’s probably just… a b— bad day.”

“It probably is. They’ll get better soon, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Evan echoes.

Two hours and a stomach full of tacos later, Heidi clears her throat a bit awkwardly. “So, uh, honey, we kind of need to talk about Co—”

Eyes widening, Evan blurts out, “Oh n— no! I— I’m sorry, I kn— know I didn’t, I h— haven’t told you, b— but I was going t— to! I, I swear!”

Heidi gently grabs hold of Evan’s hand. “Hey, bud. It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“No, no, I, I’m sorry, sor— sorry, mom, you, you’re g— going to h— hate me, so… so much, I—”

“Hey. Honey, I’m not going to hate you, okay?”

“N— no, you, you w— will…” Evan says softly, tears welling up in his eyes. 

Putting her hands on Evan’s face, Heidi slowly wipes away the tears with her thumbs and tilts his head up, forcing Evan to make eye contact with her. “I know, honey. About you and Connor. I know, and I’m not mad.”

As Evan slowly realizes what his mom is saying, his face pales and he breathes in shakily. “Y— you, you d— do…? B— but I… I’m not n— normal. I’m… b— b— bi, m— mom, and… and—”

“And that’s okay, Evan. I’m not mad, I’m happy for you, okay?”

“R— really?” Evan sniffles quietly. 

Heidi smiles. “Really.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took so long sorry guys there has been tons of schoolwork and tests and stuff
> 
> a lot of stuff is going on at the moment so i probably would not be able to update anytime soon im really really REALLY sorry

**Author's Note:**

> what did you guys think of it? too long? too brief?
> 
> very inexperienced writer here so please please please a lot of constructive criticism and feedback allowed


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